There are, in fact, some people who aren’t interested in being better friends. Some are kind of loners who prefer their own company to that of other people. It seems strange and worrisome to those of us who need social interaction with others.

Whatever category you may fit into, research says that as we get older, it becomes more difficult to make new friends. In fact, most people over the age of 30 have not made a new friend in over five years.

Before you go thinking that’s crazy, understand how the researchers defined friends. They said that a friend is someone you have a meaningful relationship with… outside of work. That means that all your “work friends” who you only associate with at work, or wouldn’t associate with if not for work, do not “count” as friends.

Going for drinks after work, but never seeing them any other time, does not make them a true friend. You have a work relationship with them, maybe even a great one. But if you’re not discussing your life outside of work with them on a regular and consistent basis, then the researchers didn’t classify it as a meaningful relationship.

The vast majority of people with great friends at work never see them again once one of them leaves the company where they met. This is despite promises to “keep in touch” and let’s get together soon. This fact has been proven about 100 gazillion times. They were great people to work with, but you did not have a meaningful, personal relationship with them. So it’s easy to lose touch.

It seems once we are past our school years, the opportunity to meet new people shrinks dramatically. Even people who go to networking events tend to talk only with people they already know. That’s kind of crazy but it’s true.

It’s just not easy to meet new people, no matter how hard your mom tries to set you up with them. 🙂

The best way to make a friend, a true friend, is to be a friend. To be the best friend you can possibly be. Being a true friend involves qualities like empathy, communication, and trust. If you’re interested in being the type of person who people are drawn to, then here are a few ideas to help you get started.

1. Listen Actively

• Pay attention when your friend is speaking. Show that you’re listening by nodding, asking questions, and offering feedback. Avoid interrupting or thinking about what you’ll say next. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. TURN IT OFF. Your phone may help you keep in touch with a friend, but it sure as heck doesn’t help you make one.

2. Be Supportive

• Offer encouragement and be there during tough times. Whether it’s celebrating successes or providing comfort during hardships, showing support is crucial. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time, because when you give your time you are giving a part of yourself that you can never get back. That’s hugely significant.

3. Communicate Openly

• Share your thoughts and feelings honestly but kindly. Address conflicts directly, and be willing to discuss and resolve any misunderstandings. If you’ve ever seen a Hallmark romantic movie you know there is a terrible misunderstanding in almost every one. They are almost always due to miscommunication. So avoid the misunderstanding and communicate honestly, openly, humbly, and most of all, with a completely open mind.

4. Be Trustworthy

• Keep their secrets and promises. Reliability is a cornerstone of trust. If you say you’ll do something, follow through. If someone tells you something in confidence and you tell even one other person, then you have broken that confidence and likely the relationship with it.

5. Show Empathy

• Try to understand their perspective and feelings, even if they differ from your own. Empathy helps deepen your connection. One of the things that prevents people from truly connecting is being judgmental. If you really, I mean really, try to understand other people’s perspective and feelings you’ll be much less likely to judge them.

6. Respect Boundaries

• Everyone has their own limits and needs. Respect your friend’s boundaries, whether it’s about personal space, time, or topics of conversation. When someone, particularly a close friend, says “don’t go there,” then do not go there. Period.

7. Celebrate Differences

• Embrace what makes your friend unique. Different opinions, hobbies, and perspectives can enrich the friendship. One of the challenges of making friends as we get older is that we tend to look for people to befriend who are just like us. That can really shrink the pool of possible friends. Before you can open your heart to a new friend, you need to open your mind. You may not “connect” on all things with someone different from you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a close friendship with them. Just give them a chance.

8. Be Present

• Quality time is essential. Whether it’s in person or through calls and messages, make time to connect regularly. Here’s a harsh reality of friendship. True friends are never too busy for you. They find the time, they make the time, or they have already reserved the time for you. If someone “just can’t find the time” for you, then you know all you need to know.

9. Apologize When Necessary

• Sometimes even the best of friends have a falling out. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Apologizing sincerely and making amends strengthens the bond. Do it quickly; waiting a day often turns into two. Two turns into four, and before you know it, too long has gone by for you to feel comfortable reaching out to them. True friends are hard to come by; don’t lose one by failing to apologize when an apology is called.

• On the other side of that equation, sometimes you may need to accept an apology that was never given. You have to ask yourself, “What is more important to me, an acknowledgment that I was right all along or my relationship with this person?” Let your answer to that question be your guide.

10. Show Appreciation

• Nobody, nobody, nobody likes being taken for granted. Frequently express gratitude for your friend’s presence in your life. Small gestures like a thank-you note or a kind word can go a long way.

Honestly ask yourself when was the last time you made a new friend. Especially outside of work. If you’re like the vast majority of people, and you’re really being honest, I’ll bet it’s been longer than you can remember.

But you can start changing that today. All it takes is a decision to do it. Maybe it’s a decision to risk looking a little foolish, a little weird, or even a little desperate. Just remember, if it doesn’t work out they will be out of your life and soon enough, you won’t remember them. If it does work out, soon enough your new friend won’t remember if you were foolish or seemed weird the first time you met.

So go for it. It is never a bad time to make a new dear friend.