How to Rebuild Trust

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If you’re human and you’re reading this (if you’re not human and you’re reading this, please by any means possible let me know) then sooner or later you will do something that will cause someone to lose trust in you.

As has been said many times, trust takes a long time to build and only seconds to destroy.

But the destruction does not have to be permanent. If you’re willing to make the effort then over time you can rebuild the trust you once had. It’s not easy and it will take time but it can be done. Do not expect the other person, the one who’s trust you lost, to rebuild it. If you’re the trust breaker then you’re 100% responsible for rebuilding it too.

Rebuilding trust is a process. Here are some steps you can take to begin that process today.

Acknowledge the breach. Recognize and take responsibility for the actions or behaviors that led to the loss of trust. This demonstrates honesty and accountability. There can be no “but” in your acknowledgment. No “sorry but.” No, sorry if you’re offended “but” I didn’t mean it. By the way, if you really said something you didn’t mean that’s actually an indication that you’re so careless with your words or actions that you probably shouldn’t have been trusted in the first place. Think about that little tidbit a while.

Apologize sincerely. Offer a genuine apology, expressing remorse for any hurt or harm caused. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for and show empathy towards the other person’s feelings. And this should go without saying, but in case it needs to be said… if it’s not a sincere apology then don’t bother in the first place.

Communicate openly. Encourage open dialogue about the situation. Listen attentively to the other person’s concerns and feelings without becoming defensive. Be transparent about your intentions and actions moving forward. This is another step where there can be no “buts.” You offended someone, you may have even hurt them. When they tell you why they feel the way they feel don’t you dare respond with a “yes but.” That is a clear indication that you likely do not value their feelings.

Set boundaries. Establish clear boundaries and expectations to prevent similar issues from arising in the future. This could include agreeing on specific behaviors or actions that are off-limits. Once the boundaries are set do not cross them… no matter what.

Demonstrate consistency. Consistently follow through on your commitments and promises. Your actions should align with your words to build credibility and reliability. Rebuilding trust is not a part time process. You must honor 100% of your commitments, 100% of the time. Whether you feel like it or not.

Be patient. Rebuilding trust takes time, so be patient and understanding. Allow the other person space to process their feelings and gradually rebuild their trust in you. Remember, it’s wrecking trust that happens fast, rebuilding it will take longer than it took to build it in the first place.

Seek feedback. Regularly check in with the other person to see how they’re feeling about the progress of rebuilding trust. Be open to feedback and willing to make adjustments as needed. You may need to ask a few times to get an answer but the mere asking of the question can help rebuild trust.

Show genuine remorse. Continuously express genuine remorse for the hurt caused and demonstrate your commitment to making amends. Actions often speak louder than words, so be consistent in your efforts to rebuild trust.

Obviously it’s way better not to do or say things that cause someone to lose trust in you to begin with. But we’re human and sometimes we do things we wish we hadn’t. But whether you’re able to rebuild trust with someone or not, simply going through the process will make it less likely that you’ll make the same mistake again.

That’s called improvement and I call that a very good thing.

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How to be Less Busy and More Productive

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Many years ago, the government awarded a grant to a major US University. The grant was to research if they could develop an artificial appendix. While it was many years ago, it wasn’t so long ago that the medical profession hadn’t already determined that the appendix was unnecessary for the body to function. When it becomes blocked they simply remove it.

But that didn’t prevent the researchers from wasting time and money busily going about their work. The problem was this: no matter what their research found, it wouldn’t be productive. That’s because no one needs an appendix, especially an artificial one.

I think one of the biggest wastes of time is becoming proficient at doing something that doesn’t need to be done at all. Truly successful people never let that happen to them. They fully understood the vast difference between being merely busy and actually being productive.

Being busy means you’re occupied with tasks. Being productive means you’re achieving results or progress towards your goals. Being busy can mean lots of movement with little outcome. Being productive is different. It involves focused effort that leads to real accomplishments.

I would even go so far as to say that if you can’t clearly state what you did on a particular day to move closer to one of your goals then you were not productive. No matter how busy you were. No matter how tired you were. No matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

You cannot reach your full potential by being busy. If you’re going to use your knowledge and strengths to full effect you’ve got to focus on being productive as often as possible.

So if you want to be less busy and more productive, here’s a few ideas to try.

Prioritize tasks. Identify the most important tasks and focus on them first. I can legitimately guarantee you that no human on the planet has more time than you do. What they may have is a far greater awareness of what their priorities are. When do you things in order of their importance it virtually forces you to be more productive.

Set boundaries. Learn to say no to tasks that don’t align with your goals. Saying NO is like a Superpower for highly productive people. They say no to busy work so they can say yes to productive work. Plus, they understand that no is a complete sentence. They don’t waste time giving long winded explanations about why they are saying no. Sometimes you may have to provide an explanation to avoid being rude but not nearly as often as you think.

Schedule breaks. Allow yourself time to recharge throughout the day. Most busy people eat lunch at their desks. But, the productive people enjoy lunch in the break room or a restaurant. Taking a lunch break and shutting off work, even for 15 minutes, can increase your focus and productivity. It can do so by as much as 30% in the last couple of hours of the day.

Delegate when possible. Share responsibilities with others to lighten your load. So here’s a tip especially for people in leadership positions. If you’re really leading then there are likely things that you need to do that other people can’t do. So delegate to ensure you’re not doing the things that someone else can do. Because if you’re doing something that someone else could do, then you’re NOT doing something that only you can do. That’s called being busy, not productive.

Limit distractions. Minimize interruptions like phone notifications or unnecessary  meetings. Here’s a wild idea. Turn the phone on silent, turn off the vibration setting and place the phone screen down on your desk. Or better yet, learn to use the focus settings that most smartphones have today. Remember, looking at sports scores or the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s new album might make you feel busy. But it’s likely far from the most productive thing you could be doing.

Use time blocks. Allocate specific time slots for different tasks to maintain focus. A time block is like an appointment with yourself and it’s one of the most important appointments you can have. When you set aside a couple of hours to accomplish a task don’t allow anything or anyone to interrupt you. That’s vital because that interruption will make you busier but less productive. Exactly the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish.

Review and adjust. Regularly evaluate your workload and productivity methods to make necessary improvements. It’s easy to get off track. Remaining productive in the face of distractions and other people’s priorities isn’t easy. But developing the discipline to do it consistently will pay life changing rewards.

One last thing. Be honest will yourself. It’s so easy to reward ourselves for being busy. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking our tiredness at the end of the day means we’ve accomplished something. Don’t fall into those traps. Don’t live a busy life. Live a productive life and you’ll never go back to being busy again.

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Dealing with Frustration

Steve Keating 2 Comments

Lots of “stuff” can cause frustration. But only if we let it. People can frustrate us too. But only if we allow them to. Frustration is a natural reaction to circumstances when we believe those circumstances to be beyond our control.

But to some extent being frustrated really is a choice. We can allow frustrating circumstances to get the better of us or we can choose to get the better of those same circumstances. It’s an important choice because frustration can have various damaging effects on a person. Both mentally and physically.

Mentally, it can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression over time. Physically, it may manifest as headaches, muscle tension, or even chronic health issues like high blood pressure. Frustration can also impair decision-making abilities and strain relationships. Overall, it can significantly impact your well-being and quality of life.

So it pays to make an effort to minimize frustration in your life. Making the effort to deal with frustrating circumstances involves specific steps.

1. Acknowledge your emotions. Recognize and accept your feelings of frustration. You can deny frustration all you want but it is what it is. Denying that your frustrated will not eliminate the negative consequences.

2. Take a step back. Pause and take a deep breath to calm yourself. It’s amazing what separating yourself from the source of your frustration, even if only for 30 seconds, can do for you.

3. Analyze the situation. Identify the specific cause of frustration and assess if it’s within your control.

4. Focus on what you can control. Direct your energy towards factors you can influence or change. Trying to control the uncontrollable only adds to your frustration, it does nothing to minimize it.

5. Seek solutions. Brainstorm possible solutions or ways to improve the situation. Just the process of brainstorming can lessen the stress of dealing with frustration.

6. Take action. Implement the best solution and adapt as needed. Nothing kills frustration like doing something about it. Taking action gives you back a feeling of control. Control and frustration cannot coexist. The more control you exercise over your circumstances, the less room there is for frustration in your life.

7. Practice self-care. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge. This is the same concept as “put your own oxygen mask on first.” You’re not helping anyone or anything if you’re so stressed out you can barely think.

8. Seek support. Talk to friends, family, or a colleague if needed for guidance and encouragement. I’m not necessarily a big fan of “venting” but sometimes blowing off a little steam takes the pressure of frustration off too.

It’s normal to encounter frustrating circumstances. It’s how you choose to respond to the frustrating circumstances that will make all the difference. Choose well!

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Living According to Your Core Values

Steve Keating Leave a comment

Many people struggle with setting meaningful goals for their life. Many of those same people find it difficult to make decisions, especially big, life altering decisions. A good number of those same people have relationship issues throughout their lives. They can’t quite seem to find their “match.”

All of those challenges have one underlying cause. That cause is Core Values.

Just to be clear, it is not a lack of Core Values. It is a lack of understanding exactly what their Core Values are. I believe everyone has Core Values, those values that are life defining. Values that are worth fighting for. Even values that are worth dying for.

But through the years I’ve come to realize that most people, perhaps even the vast majority of people, have invested scant time thinking and reflecting on what their Core Values actually are. Those Core Values are buried deep within them but not so deep that they don’t impact their thinking. Their ever present Core Values inform their thinking but they do so subconsciously.

When people know and understand their Core Values they bring them to the surface. Once surfaced their Core Values help them make better and bigger decisions. They inform them as to what goals truly matter long term. Their Core Values help them find and keep a person who will be their partner for the rest of their lives.

Core Values are a very big deal. They are an even bigger deal once you’ve determined your Core Values and decide to consciously live your life accordingly.

Determining your Core Values involves reflecting on what matters most to you in life. Start by considering experiences, beliefs, and principles that have consistently guided your decisions and actions. Ask yourself probing questions about what brings you fulfillment, what you stand for, and what you couldn’t live without. Write down a list of potential values, then narrow it down to the ones that resonate with you the most deeply. Your Core Values should reflect your authentic self and serve as a compass for making choices aligned with your true priorities.

Core Values vary from person to person, but some common examples include:

1. Integrity: Being honest, trustworthy, and acting with moral principles.

2. Respect: Treating others with dignity, empathy, and understanding.

3. Responsibility: Taking ownership of one’s actions and obligations.

4. Excellence: Striving for the highest quality and continuous improvement.

5. Compassion: Showing kindness, empathy, and care towards others.

6. Courage: Facing challenges with bravery and perseverance.

7. Equality: Believing in fairness and justice for all individuals.

8. Gratitude: Appreciating the blessings and expressing thankfulness.

9. Authenticity: Being true to oneself and living with transparency.

10. Collaboration: Working together and valuing teamwork and cooperation.

These are just a few examples, and individuals may prioritize different values based on their personal experiences, beliefs, and aspirations.

Actually living according to your Core Values involves aligning your actions, decisions, and behaviors with the principles that matter most to you. Here’s how you can do it.

Identify your core values. Reflect on what truly matters to you and define your core values. Write them down to have a clear understanding of what they are.

Integrate values into decision-making. When faced with choices or dilemmas, consider how each option aligns with your core values. Choose the path that resonates with your principles, even if it’s challenging.

Set goals aligned with your values. Define short-term and long-term goals that reflect your core values. This ensures that your actions are directed towards what you find meaningful and fulfilling.

Practice self-awareness. Regularly evaluate your thoughts, feelings, and actions to ensure they are consistent with your values. Adjust your behavior if you notice any discrepancies.

Communicate your values. Be open about your core values with others, including friends, family, and colleagues. This helps create authentic connections and fosters mutual understanding.

Stay true to yourself. Resist the temptation to compromise your values for external approval or short-term gains. Stand firm in your beliefs, even in the face of adversity.

Learn and grow. Continuously seek opportunities for personal growth and self-improvement that are in line with your core values. Embrace challenges as opportunities to strengthen your commitment to what matters most to you.

By consciously integrating your Core Values into your daily life, you can lead a more authentic, purposeful, and fulfilling existence. You will make better decisions, choose better friends, and set meaningful goals that motivate you to achieve your full potential. In short, you’ll live your very best life and you’ll know exactly how, and why you’re doing it.

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How to Deal With Ungrateful People

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It sure does seem as if there are some people who you just can’t make happy. There are people who, no matter how much you do for them, it’s never enough. In fact, it feels as if the more you do, the less they appreciate it. All that can be incredibly frustrating.

The first thing to realize is that they have a problem, not you. Their low EQ or narcissistic behavior is their problem. Their unappreciative nature while frustrating to you, will cause them to miss out on many opportunities in life, both their personal life and their professional lives. When you stop and think about it, which is hard to do sometimes, but when you stop and think about it, it’s really sad for them. They miss out on the joy created from a grateful heart. They don’t get to experience the pleasure of knowing that there are people in the world who care enough for them to help them, while expecting nothing in return.

Ungrateful people miss some of the best parts of life.

But knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it easier for you to help ungrateful people. So here’s a few ideas to overcome the challenges of dealing with ingratitude.

Adjust Expectations. Recognize that not everyone will express gratitude in the same way or at all. Adjusting your expectations can help minimize disappointment. One of the principles from Dale Carnegie’s all time best seller, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” says to “Expect ingratitude.” That way when someone shows appreciation or displays a grateful heart, it’s a bonus. When they appear to take your kindness for granted you can just shake it off and maintain control over your positive attitude.

Focus on Intentions. Don’t seek validation. Focus on your intentions and the joy of helping others. Their response doesn’t matter. If you were doing the right things for the right reasons then someone else’s ingratitude can’t change the “rightness” of what you’ve done. Never let someone else’s ungrateful heart still your joy of serving others.

Practice Self-Validation. Remind yourself of your worth and the value of your actions, even if they go unrecognized by others. Part of “giving” is expecting nothing in return, not even a thank you, although that sure is nice. If you are doing something with the expectation of receiving something in return, then you might be making a trade but you aren’t truly giving.

Communicate. If ingratitude becomes a pattern in a relationship, consider calmly expressing how it makes you feel. Discuss ways to improve communication and appreciation. The key word here is calmly. That means no sarcasm and no snarky comments.

Set Boundaries. If ingratitude becomes toxic or abusive, you may need to reassess the relationship. Set boundaries to protect yourself. Sooner or later we all have to realize that enough is enough. Needing some validation that what you’re doing for someone else is worthwhile, doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.

Gratitude Journaling. Cultivate gratitude within yourself by keeping a journal where you write down things you’re grateful for. This will help you focus on the positive aspects of life. Include the things you’re able to do for others. Just because someone else may not be grateful for the things you do, doesn’t mean you can’t be grateful for those things.

You do the right things for the right reasons. Remind yourself of that. Then, you’ll be better prepared to deal with people who struggle to show appreciation. Just never forget, their apparent lack of gratitude is a reflection of who they are, not you and the effort you’ve put forth.

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How to Lead Your Leader

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Even good leaders needs a little help once in a while. Great leaders will accept that help from anyone, even the people who are more often following them. When you step up to “Lead Your Leader” you’re demonstrating not just your own leadership skills but also your willingness to do more than what’s required of you. You’ll be “leading up” in your organization.

Leading up can be dicey, especially if your leader isn’t exactly asking for help. Sometimes they may even resist your help. But your ability to navigate through those challenges will help prepare you for the next level of leadership in your organization. It’ll also help you stand out to the people in the organization above your leader. That will help you earn more, and better opportunities within your organization.

But understand this absolute fact… I am not suggesting you betray the trust of your leader. I’m not encouraging you to “go over their head” and I’m certainly not recommending that you do anything that would make them look bad or hinder their leadership in any way.

Leading up will at times require providing help that makes a positive difference without being noticed or receiving “credit” for it. It can’t always involve getting noticed or rewarded. Sometimes you’ll need to lead up for the simple reason that it’s the right thing to do.

Since few leaders ever reach the very top of their organization you will likely, sooner or later, find yourself in a position where the ability to lead up will be very valuable. To lead up in your organization requires that you understand the goals of your leader, their communication style, strengths, and weaknesses, and then using that knowledge to support and guide them effectively. Here are some steps to successfully lead your leader.

• Understand Their Vision. Take the time to understand your leader’s vision and goals. What are they trying to achieve, and why? Align yourself with their vision to better support them. If they don’t openly communicate their vision and goals then ask. In some cases merely asking the can help your leader crystalize their thinking and better communicate their expectations for the team.

• Build Trust. Establish trust with your leader by being reliable, transparent, and accountable. Show that you are committed to their success and the success of the team or organization.

• Communication. Communicate openly and effectively with your leader. Keep them informed about important developments, challenges, and successes. Understand their preferred communication style and adapt accordingly.

• Provide Feedback. Offer constructive feedback to your leader when necessary. This can include suggestions for improvement or highlighting areas where they excel. Be respectful and tactful in how you deliver feedback. This is where leading up can become dicey. This is why building trust with your leader is so important. When they know you have their best interests, and the best interests of the organization in mind, they are likely to be much more open to your feedback.

• Support Their Weaknesses. Identify areas where your leader may have weaknesses and offer support where needed. This could involve taking on additional responsibilities, providing training or resources, or offering assistance in specific areas of expertise. Offer support to your leader, don’t gossip about their weaknesses behind their back. Because if you do, you can forget about that trust you’ve been trying to build.

• Play to Their Strengths. Recognize and leverage your leader’s strengths. Encourage them to utilize their talents and skills to achieve their goals and the goals of the team.

• Be Proactive. Anticipate your leader’s needs and take initiative to address them. This could involve problem-solving, streamlining processes, or identifying opportunities for improvement. Do more than is required and do more than is expected of you. Don’t wait to be asked, offer to help instead.

• Lead by Example. Demonstrate leadership qualities in your own actions and behavior. Show initiative, integrity, and a strong work ethic, which can inspire your leader and others to do the same. This involves leading yourself exceptionally well. Remember, if you can’t lead yourself then you can’t lead anyone.

• Seek Collaboration. Foster a collaborative relationship with your leader, where ideas are shared openly, and decisions are made collectively. Encourage teamwork and cooperation among colleagues to achieve common objectives.

• Stay Flexible. Be adaptable and flexible in your approach to leading your leader. Recognize that leadership styles and priorities may evolve over time, and be willing to adjust your approach accordingly.

Leading people is very rewarding, that’s especially true when leading your leader. By taking these steps, you can effectively lead up. You can contribute to the overall success of your team or organization and you can develop your own leadership skills for the future.

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How to be More Patient With Yourself

Steve Keating 2 Comments

I have heard it said that patience is a virtue. Many of the world’s greatest thinkers have emphasized the importance of patience. For Aristotle, patience was bitter but the fruit it bore was sweet. Tolstoy said it was one of the two most powerful warriors, with the other one being time. Lao Tzu believed it was one of the three greatest treasures to have along with compassion and simplicity.

Patience is a big deal!

Many of us pride ourselves on being patient with other people. We allow them to learn at their own pace. We cut them “slack” when they make mistakes. We forgive them when they are a little slower to master a skill that we think we would have mastered much sooner. By and large, most people are pretty patient.

Except with one person. That person is most often themselves. This is especially true of highly motivated people who are in a hurry to succeed. I think that’s called “the rat race.” For those of you unfamiliar with the term it comes from experiments in the late 1800’s where two rats are trying to outrun each other to get a piece of cheese. These days it’s an expression describing a way of life in which people compete with each other for power and money.

Some people thrive while running the rat race but most are slowly burning themselves out. So slowly that they don’t often realize it until it’s too late.

The vast majority’s of people living their best lives have learned to be more patient. They cut themselves the same slack they cut other people. They find the balance required to push themselves without burning themselves out.

Finding that balance requires intentionality and focus. You have to work for it. You’ll likely have to make some changes in your life. You’ll possibly have to make some sacrifices too. But you will also discover that granting yourself more patience is one of the kindest things you’ll ever do for yourself.

Being more patient with yourself involves several steps. Some of these are easy, some not so much but all of them will help you live your very best life.

1. Acknowledge Imperfection. Understand that nobody is perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes or not meet your own expectations all the time.

2. Set Realistic Goals. Break down your goals into smaller, manageable tasks. This allows you to track progress and celebrate small victories along the way.

3. Practice Self-Compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend who is struggling. Acknowledge your efforts and progress, even if they are small.

4. Pay Attention. Stay present in the moment. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This helps you become more aware of negative self-talk and allows you to respond to yourself with more kindness.

5. Learn from Setbacks. Instead of being hard on yourself when things don’t go as planned, use setbacks as opportunities for growth and learning. Ask yourself what you can learn from the experience and how you can improve in the future.

6. Practice Gratitude. Focus on the things you are grateful for and the progress you have made, no matter how small. This helps shift your perspective from what you lack to what you have accomplished.

7. Seek Support. Surround yourself with supportive, positive people who encourage and uplift you during challenging times. And do whatever it takes to separate yourself from negative people who attempt to suck the patience right out of you.

By making these practices part of daily life, you can cultivate greater patience and self-compassion. You’ll find yourself leading to a more fulfilling and balanced life. That my friends is worth every bit of the effort it will take achieve, no matter how long it takes you to achieve it.

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