Author Steve Keating

How to Resolve Conflicts Without Going Nuclear

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Conflicts are a part of life. To resolve conflicts without losing friends, co-workers, or even family, you need to be willing to find solutions that benefit everyone. If your goal is simply to “win” an argument or overpower the person you’re in conflict with then you’ve lost before you even started.

To resolve conflicts well, you need good communication skills, empathy, and a sincere desire for real solutions. Here’s a few ideas to help you navigate and resolve conflicts without resorting to the nuclear option of just blowing the person off forever.

• Stay Calm: Before addressing the issue, take a moment to calm yourself. Emotional reactions can escalate conflicts. Nothing that’s been said has ever been unsaid so make certain you mean exactly what you say.

• Define the Issue: Identify the specific problem or issue causing the conflict. Avoid making it personal and focus on the behavior or situation. “Blame” has never resolved a conflict, remember that and you’ll have a chance at a positive outcome.

• Understand Perspectives: Listen actively to the concerns and perspectives of all parties involved. Seek to understand their point of view, even if you disagree. Other people see the world through their “life lens” which is made up of their experiences. If your life experiences were the same as theirs you wouldn’t have a conflict to begin with. Value their experiences as much as your own and it will become easier to see their point of view.

• Communicate Effectively: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns without blaming others. For example, say “I feel” instead of “You always” to avoid accusations.

• Find Common Ground: Identify areas where you and the other party agree. This helps create a foundation for finding a resolution.

• Explore Solutions Together: Brainstorm possible solutions collaboratively. Encourage everyone involved to contribute ideas without being judgmental. But here’s the challenge, you need to exercise good judgment. But to do that you’ll first need to understand that there is a difference between being judgmental and making judgments. When you work to truly understand the other person’s point of view you’ll be far less judgmental. That will lead directly to having better judgement.

• Evaluate and Select Solutions: Assess the pros and cons of each solution. Choose an option that addresses the concerns of all parties to the best extent possible.

• Implement the Solution: Put the chosen solution into action. Clearly communicate the steps to be taken and ensure that everyone is on board with the plan.

• Follow Up: After implementing the solution, follow up with all parties involved to see how well it’s working. Make adjustments if necessary.

• Seek Mediation: If the conflict persists, consider involving a neutral third party to mediate. This person can provide an objective perspective and help guide the conversation toward resolution.

• Learn from the Conflict: Reflect on the conflict and the resolution process. Consider what could be done differently in the future to prevent similar issues.

• Build Positive Relationships: Focus on rebuilding or strengthening relationships after the conflict. Emphasize common goals and shared interests.

Conflicts are a natural part of human interaction, and resolving them effectively can lead to stronger relationships and a more positive work or personal environment. Running from conflicts or trying to avoid them altogether will not solve them. They simply simmer under the surface until they come to a boil. At that point that may be too hot for anyone to handle.

To avoid this, take action to solve conflicts early. As a result, you’ll have fewer conflicts overall.

How to Make a Difference

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President John Kennedy said “Everyone can make a difference and everyone should try.” That’s a very true statement, all of us can make a difference, we just need to decide what kind of differences we want to make.

I don’t think I can change the world but I know I can help change the world for the people I help. So I try to make a difference by helping other people be the best version of themselves that they can be.

Making a difference can take many forms, and the impact one person can have varies depending on the context and scale of their actions. The higher you are in your organization the easier it may be to make a difference. If you’re in a position of leadership in an organization or perhaps government you might find more opportunity to be a difference maker. But make no mistake about this absolute fact: no matter where you are in life, no matter your place in an organizational hierarchy, no matter your level of education or financial situation, YOU can make a difference in the lives of other people. You only need to care enough to do it.

So, if you’re looking to make a difference today and in the future here are some general steps and principles that you can follow to make a positive difference.

• Define Your Values and Passion: Understand what matters to you and what issues you are passionate about. This could be related to social justice, environmental issues, education, healthcare, or any other cause.

• Educate Yourself: Learn about the issues you care about. Stay informed through reputable sources, research, and conversations with experts. Understanding the root causes and complexities of a problem is crucial for effective action.

• Start Locally: Making a difference doesn’t always require grand gestures. Look for opportunities in your local community. Volunteer at local organizations, participate in community events, or support local initiatives.

• Use Your Skills and Talents: Identify your skills and talents and find ways to apply them to the causes you care about. Whether you’re good at organizing events, writing, coding, or any other skill, there’s likely a way to use it for positive change.

• Connect with Like-minded Individuals: Join or create communities that share your values. Collective action often has a greater impact than individual efforts. Working with others allows you to pool resources, share ideas, and amplify your impact.

• Advocate for Change: Speak up about the issues that matter to you. Advocate for change at different levels, whether it’s in your workplace, community, or on a larger scale. Use social media, write articles, or engage in peaceful activism to raise awareness.

• Support Existing Initiatives: There are likely organizations and initiatives already addressing the issues you care about. Support them through donations, volunteering, or spreading the word. This can be an effective way to contribute without having to start something from scratch.

• Lead by Example: Demonstrate the values and behaviors you want to see in the world. Whether it’s practicing sustainability, kindness, or inclusivity, leading by example can inspire others to follow suit.

• Be Adaptable and Persistent: Real change often takes time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts. Adapt your strategies as needed and learn from both successes and failures.

• Educate Others: Share your knowledge and passion with others. Help raise awareness and inspire more people to get involved. Education is a powerful tool for creating change.

The key is to take meaningful and sustainable actions aligned with your values. Making a difference is often a gradual process. But every small effort contributes to positive change over time. Progress doesn’t often happen in leaps and bounds. It often comes from small accomplishments over a sustained period of time. But all progress is progress and a little progress here and a little progress there, can lead to a mighty big difference over time.

How to Give a Sincere Compliment

Steve Keating 3 Comments

Have you ever received a compliment from someone and immediately wondered what they were up to? You may be thinking they want something in return. Maybe they are about to ask for a favor. You’re not at all certain the compliment is truly sincere.

Lots of people think they’re giving sincere compliments but a truly sincere compliment has two parts. The compliment itself and the “evidence” that proves it’s sincere. It’s easy to say “nice job” and walk away thinking you’ve just given a compliment. But explaining with some level of detail why you believe the person did a nice job requires some effort.

For instance, if they have just interacted with an upset and challenging customer and the customer ended up being pleased with the outcome it can be very tempting to say “nice work” and let it go at that. But consider adding something like, “nice work, that was very impressive the way you calmly interacted with a very upset person. It could have gone very differently but your caring demeanor really saved the day…and likely the customer. Again, very nice work.”

It’s a little more effort but it makes a very big difference. Specificity is the key. If you can’t be specific you’re leaving the door to doubt open in the mind of the person you’re complimenting.

Here are a few additional ideas to consider to make sure your compliments are received the way you intended.

• Be Genuine: Your sincerity should come from a place of authenticity. Avoid giving compliments just for the sake of it; mean what you say.

• Timing Matters: Choose an appropriate time to give a compliment. It could be in response to a specific action, achievement, or simply as a positive acknowledgment.

• Use Positive Language: Frame your compliment in positive language to convey your admiration. Avoid any negative comparisons or qualifiers. Instead of: “You’re not as bad as others at this, try your skills in this area really stand out.”

• Body Language: Non-verbal cues like eye contact and a genuine smile can enhance the sincerity of your compliment. Make sure your tone of voice aligns with your words.

• Avoid Backhanded Compliments: These are compliments that also contain an insult or criticism. They can be easily misinterpreted and may negate the positive intention. An example of a backhanded compliment might be “You’re surprisingly good at this.”

• Personalize the Compliment: Tailor your compliment to the individual and their unique qualities. This shows that you see and appreciate their individuality. Instead of: “You’re good at your job,” try “I’ve noticed your attention to detail in your work. It really sets you apart.”

• Be Mindful of Cultural Sensitivities: Understand the cultural context and be mindful of cultural differences when giving compliments, as what might be considered appropriate in one culture may not be in another.

The key to a sincere compliment is honesty and thoughtfulness. If you’ve ever given someone a compliment and they looked at you a little cross-eyed you may now know why. By acknowledging specific positive qualities or actions, you not only boost the recipient’s confidence but also strengthen your connection with them. It takes a little effort to turn a simple compliment into an undoubtably sincere compliment, but it’s way more than worth it.

How to be a More Effective Public Speaker

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Becoming a better public speaker is a skill that can be developed and refined over time. It takes work but the effort required is worth it in a myriad of ways. Improving your public speaking skills can make you a better communicator, boost your confidence, and help you connect with others.  Here are some tips and strategies to help you become a better public speaker and communicator.

• Practice: The most crucial step in improving your public speaking skills is to practice regularly. Rehearse your presentation multiple times to become more comfortable with the material and your delivery.

• Know your audience: Understand who you will be speaking to and tailor your message to their needs and interests. This will help you connect with your audience on a more personal level.

• Organize your content: Structure your speech or presentation logically, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Use transitions to guide your audience through your content.

• Start with a strong opening: Begin your speech with an attention-grabbing introduction. You can use a quote, a story, a surprising fact, or a thought-provoking question to engage your audience from the start.

• Use visual aids: Visual aids, such as slides, can help clarify complex ideas and make your presentation more engaging. Just be sure not to overload your slides with text and avoid reading them word for word. Your slides support your presentation, they are not your presentation. Never turn your back on your audience to read your slides cause when you turn back around they may be gone.

• Practice good body language: Pay attention to your posture, gestures, and facial expressions. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and use your body language to convey confidence and enthusiasm.

• Control your voice: Speak clearly and at a moderate pace. Vary your tone, pitch, and volume to keep your audience’s attention. Avoid speaking too fast or too softly.

• Eliminate filler words: Minimize the use of “um,” “uh,” “like,” and other filler words. Practice pausing instead of using filler words, as this can make your speech sound more confident and polished.

• Know your material: Become an expert on the topic you are speaking about. This will boost your confidence and allow you to handle questions and challenges more effectively. Here’s the reality of public speaking. If you know what you’re talking about you have no need to be nervous. If you don’t know what you’re talking about you have no need to be speaking.

• Engage the audience: Encourage interaction by asking questions, sharing anecdotes, and involving the audience in your presentation. This can make your presentation more interactive and relatable.

• Seek feedback: Record your speeches or presentations and review them to identify areas for improvement. You can also ask for feedback from trusted friends, mentors, or colleagues.

• Learn from others: Watch and learn from skilled public speakers. Analyze their techniques and adapt them to your style.

• Keep learning: Public speaking is a lifelong learning process. Stay updated on effective communication strategies and continually work on enhancing your skills.

Remember that becoming a better public speaker takes time and practice. Don’t get discouraged by occasional setbacks, and keep working on your skills to become a more confident and effective communicator.

Dealing With Sudden Loss

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Dealing with sudden loss, such as the loss of a loved one, a job, a relationship, or any other significant change, can be an incredibly challenging and emotionally distressing experience. Coping with sudden loss requires time, self-care, and support.

You need to be careful with your feelings during times of sudden loss. They are capable and convincing liars. After a job loss for instance they may try to convince you that you’re somehow a diminished person. That you are less than you were before. That’s all BS. You matter as much as ever. You make the world better because you’re in it. You bring value to the people in your life and you should never doubt that for a minute.

But suffering any significant loss is tough. There is no doubt about that. Here are some steps and strategies to help you navigate this difficult period.

• Allow yourself to grieve: It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to grieve. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion.

• Seek support: Reach out to friends and family for emotional support. Talking to someone you trust can provide comfort and a sense of connection during this difficult time. You may also consider joining a support group or seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to talk through your feelings. You should know this absolute fact…THERE IS NOT A HINT OF SHAME IN NEEDING SOME ADDITIONAL SUPPORT IN A TIME OF LOSS.

• Take care of your physical health: Grief can take a toll on your body, so it’s important to maintain your physical health. Eat nutritious meals, get enough sleep, and engage in regular physical activity to help manage stress and maintain your overall well-being.

• Create a routine: Establishing a daily routine can provide structure and stability during a time of upheaval. Having a sense of predictability can be comforting and help you regain a sense of control.

• Avoid major life decisions: During the initial stages of grief, try to avoid making significant life decisions, if possible. You may not be in the best mindset to make clear choices, and your perspective can change as you process your loss over time.

• Write or journal: Expressing your feelings through writing can be therapeutic. Keeping a journal can help you explore your emotions, track your progress, and gain insight into your grief journey.

• Memorialize or commemorate the loss: Find a way to remember and honor the person or thing you’ve lost. This could involve creating a memorial, holding a memorial service, or participating in activities that remind you of positive memories.

• Be patient with yourself: Grieving is a unique and individual process, and there is no set timeline for when you should “get over” your loss. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace and don’t rush the process.

• Seek professional help if needed: If your grief becomes overwhelming, persistent, or disrupts your ability to function in daily life, it’s important to consider speaking to a mental health professional who can offer guidance and support.

Remember that healing from a sudden loss is a gradual and ongoing process. If you have people in your life who tell you to “just get over it” then it might be time to be over them. They may be well meaning but they clearly don’t understand significant loss. I’d advise against taking advice from the “just get over it” types.

Over time, the intensity of your grief may lessen, but it’s common for waves of sadness to resurface, especially on anniversaries or other significant dates. By taking the time to address your emotions and seeking support when needed, you can work through your grief and eventually find a sense of peace and acceptance.

Leading Difficult People

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If leadership was easy then everybody would be doing it. The fact is, leadership is not easy. It’s not easy because leadership is about people. People come in all shapes and sizes. They bring with them all kinds of backgrounds and upbringings. They carry with them past experiences, good and bad. Sometimes they even bring with them a chip, one they carry on their shoulder. Those “chips” can make them a unique challenge to lead.

But leading difficult people is part of the package a leader accepts. Leading difficult people can be a challenging but essential skill for effective leadership. Whether you’re leading a team or working on a project, dealing with difficult individuals is a not an uncommon occurrence.

But nearly everyone can be led to success if the leader is willing to hang in there with them. Here are some ideas to help you hang.

• Start by trying to understand the difficult person’s point of view. Ask questions and actively listen to their concerns and motivations. Often, people become difficult when they feel unheard or undervalued. Empathy is a powerful tool for building rapport.

• When dealing with difficult people, it’s important to maintain your composure. Don’t let their behavior provoke you into a reaction that you might regret. Take a deep breath, stay patient, and remain level-headed.

• Clearly communicate your expectations for their behavior and performance. Make sure they understand their role and responsibilities, as well as the consequences of not meeting those expectations.

• Consistency in your actions and responses is key. Make sure you treat all team members fairly and equally. This helps prevent any perceived favoritism or bias that can lead to conflict.

• If a difficult person’s behavior is disruptive or problematic, address the issues in private rather than in a public setting. This allows them to save face and reduces the chances of escalation.

• Provide feedback that is specific, objective, and focused on behavior or actions rather than personal characteristics. Use the “I” statements approach to express your feelings and concerns. For example, say, “I felt frustrated when you missed the deadline” rather than, “You’re always late.”

• Clearly define the boundaries for acceptable behavior within the team or organization. Enforce those boundaries consistently and fairly.

• Look for areas of common interest or shared goals and use them to build rapport. Finding common ground can help bridge gaps between difficult individuals and the team.

• Encourage difficult individuals to develop their skills and work on self-improvement. Offer training, coaching, or resources to help them grow and address their problem areas. Make their faults seem easy to correct.

• If necessary, involve HR or a higher-level manager to help mediate or address more serious issues. They can provide guidance, support, or disciplinary action if required.

• Keep records of problematic behavior and interactions, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be helpful if you need to escalate the issue or if it becomes a pattern of behavior.

• Sometimes, a person may be difficult due to external factors such as personal problems, stress, or health issues. Consider the context and be open to offering support or accommodations when appropriate.

• Changing behavior or attitudes can take time. Be patient, but also be persistent in your efforts to lead and difficult individuals effectively.

The sad reality is that not all difficult people can be transformed, and some may need to be led differently. In extreme cases, they may need to be removed from the team or organization to maintain a healthy working environment. Your approach should depend on the specific situation and the impact of the individual’s behavior on the team’s overall performance and well-being.

Redirecting someone to another organization or another role is not the most rewarding part of leadership but it is a mighty important one. Ignoring a difficult team member and hoping they will improve or simply “go away” is not leading.

If you’ve accepted a leadership position then it is imperative that you Lead…Today!

How to Stop Being a Complainer

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Okay, I’d be the first to admit that on the surface, there is a whole lot to complain about these days. I won’t list them all here cause I like to keep my posts under a million words. But we know what the big ones are. When we add in our own little pet peeves it’s pretty easy to be complaining all the time.

But that is incredibly unproductive. It’s also unhealthy. It robs you of your joy. It’s steals your creativity. It makes you less fun to be around, I mean let’s face it, we don’t even like ourselves when we’re in complainer mode.

It’s so easy to fall into the complainer trap. We often do it without giving it a second thought. Someone asks us how our day is going and we launch into a stream of everything that’s wrong in the world. All that accomplishes is making the person regret asking us in the first place.

If you want to stop being a complainer you need to give your answer a second thought. When someone says how is your day going consider the impact your words will have on their day. Do you want to make their day better or drag them down to your level? One of the surest ways to up the positivity of your own day is to consider your impact on other people.

Here are a few thoughts on what you may want to be thinking about when you’re giving your answer that “second thought.”

• Self-awareness: The first step to change is recognizing that you tend to complain. Pay attention to your thoughts and speech patterns. Are you frequently expressing dissatisfaction or negativity about various aspects of your life? Acknowledging the issue is the first step towards improvement.

• Identify triggers: Determine what prompts you to complain. Is it stress, frustration, boredom, or a particular situation or person? Understanding your triggers can help you address the root causes of your complaints.

• Practice gratitude: Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by regularly acknowledging the positive aspects of your life. You can keep a gratitude journal where you write down things you’re thankful for each day. This practice can shift your focus away from complaining and towards appreciation.

• Reframe your thoughts: Instead of dwelling on what’s wrong, make an effort to reframe your thoughts and focus on solutions and positive aspects. When something bothers you, try to find a more constructive perspective and identify actions you can take to address the issue.

• Limit exposure to negativity: Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. If you find that certain individuals or environments encourage complaining, consider reducing your exposure to them or setting boundaries to protect your positivity.

• Practice active listening: Be mindful of how much you complain in conversations with others. Instead of constantly talking about your own problems, listen actively to others, show empathy, and engage in meaningful discussions that don’t revolve around complaints.

• Problem-solving: If you have legitimate concerns or issues, focus on problem-solving rather than venting. Identify the problem, brainstorm potential solutions, and take action to address it. This proactive approach can help you feel more in control of your life.

• Maintain a positive mindset: Work on developing a more positive outlook on life. This can include reading self-help books, practicing mindfulness, or seeking the support of a therapist or counselor to address deeper issues that may contribute to your tendency to complain.

• Choose your words carefully: Pay attention to your language and try to avoid using overly negative or critical words. The way you express yourself can influence your mindset and how others perceive you.

• Set goals and stay focused: Having clear goals and a sense of purpose can help you stay motivated and positive. When you’re actively working towards something meaningful, you’re less likely to get caught up in complaining.

• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and understand that everyone has moments of frustration or negativity. Don’t beat yourself up for complaining; instead, use it as an opportunity for self-improvement and growth.

• Seek support: If you find it challenging to stop complaining on your own, consider enlisting the support of friends, family, or a mentor who can help you on your journey to becoming a more positive and solution-oriented person.

Changing your habits and mindset takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress along the way. Over time, with consistent practice and self-awareness, you can become less of a complainer and more of a positive, solution-focused person.