Beware of the Takers

I love giving people. Givers are those who freely give of themselves without expecting a thing in return. They simply love being helpful to others. In my opinion, the world would be a better place if we had more pure givers in it. Unfortunately, we also have people who are predominantly takers.

Truth be told, there are people who both give and take. This post isn’t about them. This post is about people who take, take, and take some more. They use people. They get what they can from other people and then leave them in their dust. They ghost people with not a care in the world for any emotional damage they may have caused. They take advantage of anyone they can.

Being taken advantage of can feel frustrating and disempowering. Takers can make you feel insignificant, and they can rob you of your self-respect. The good news is that there are steps you can take to set boundaries and protect yourself from them.

Here are some ideas to help you make sure the takers of the world don’t take too much from you.

1. Recognize the Signs

Over-commitment: Constantly saying “yes” to favors, even when it’s inconvenient.

Unfair exchanges: Others benefiting more from your kindness or work than you do.

Feeling resentment: Regularly feeling drained, unappreciated, or obligated.

2. Build Self-Awareness

Understand your patterns: Reflect on why you allow people to take advantage of you. It might stem from a desire to be liked, fear of conflict, or people-pleasing habits.

Know your worth: Recognize that your time, effort, and feelings are valuable. When you value yourself, it becomes easier to say no.

3. Set Clear Boundaries

Define limits: Decide what is and isn’t acceptable for you in terms of time, effort, and emotional energy.

Be firm and direct: When someone asks for too much, say “no” without guilt. You don’t need to explain yourself excessively; a simple, respectful refusal works.

Example: “I’m sorry, I can’t help with that right now.”

4. Practice Assertiveness

Communicate clearly: Use “I” statements to express your needs. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I have too many responsibilities” is a non-confrontational way to set boundaries.

Stick to your decisions: If you’ve said no, stand by it. Some people might push your limits, but consistency is key.

5. Stop Apologizing Excessively

Avoid guilt-tripping yourself: Don’t feel the need to over-apologize when you set boundaries. You have the right to prioritize your needs and time.

6. Know When to Distance Yourself

Reduce contact with chronic takers: If someone continues to disregard your boundaries or exploit your kindness, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them.

7. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Seek mutually respectful relationships: Focus on building relationships where there is a healthy balance of give and take. People who respect your boundaries will support you in your growth.

8. Learn to Delegate or Say “No”

Prioritize your commitments: Not everything requires your involvement. Delegate tasks when appropriate, or say no to things that don’t align with your priorities or well-being.

9. Develop Emotional Resilience

Recognize emotional manipulation: Stay alert for guilt trips, pressure tactics, or emotional blackmail. Recognizing these strategies helps you resist them.

Stay calm in conflict: Emotional resilience allows you to assert yourself without feeling overwhelmed by others’ reactions.

Don’t become a victim of a taker. No one can take advantage of you unless you allow them to. I realize sometimes it’s very hard to say no; sometimes it is very hard to stand up for yourself. Takers are very good at making it hard to say and do what’s necessary to protect yourself. But you can stop them. You may need to work on your self-respect, practice your assertiveness, and make conscious decisions about how you allow others to treat you.

But all of that is within your control IF YOU make the decision to control it. Take control of those areas of your life, and the takers of the world will take a whole lot less joy from your life.

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There’s a Big Difference Between Pointing Out Your Strengths and Bragging

Years ago, I was looking for someone to develop and present a workshop on remaining humble when you’ve achieved great success. I did not succeed in finding that person because I realized pretty quickly that anyone willing to say they were qualified likely wasn’t.

I mean, “I can do it because I’m the most humble person you’ll ever meet” is not exactly a qualifying statement. I was looking for someone who could tell me how qualified they were without telling me they were qualified. It was a fool’s errand.

But in business and in life there are times when we need to point out our strengths to others. If we’re asking for a raise or interviewing for a job are two instances that come immediately to mind. We need to use a balance of humility and confidence when pointing out our strengths. We do not want to seen as arrogantly bragging about ourselves.

Finding that balance requires a combination of confidence and humility. Here are some ideas to help you share your strengths with a strong dose of humble confidence.

Focus on the facts. Instead of using superlative or boastful language, rely on concrete examples or results. For instance, say, “I led a team that increased sales by 15% last quarter,” instead of “I’m the best salesperson.” Focusing on facts allows your achievements to speak for themselves.

Acknowledge others. Share credit where it’s due. If a team effort led to your success, mention how others contributed. This shows humility and an understanding of collaboration. For example, “I was able to improve project timelines by coordinating closely with the team.”

Stay relevant. Tailor what you share based on the context. If you’re in a job interview, highlight strengths relevant to the role. In casual conversation, avoid listing achievements that might seem unnecessary or self-serving.

Use third-party validation. Mention feedback or recognition from others. For example, “My manager commended me for my ability to handle difficult clients,” rather than, “I’m great with clients.” This shifts the praise away from self-promotion to an outside perspective.

Frame it as a learning experience. When discussing your strengths, you can present them as part of your growth. For example, “Through this project, I learned how important effective communication is, and it is something I’ve continued to develop.” This shows that you value self-improvement.

Be brief. Share your strengths in a concise and natural way. Over-explaining can make it seem like you’re seeking validation or bragging.

Use “I” statements carefully. Avoid overusing “I” statements. Instead of “I did this, I achieved that,” mix in statements like “The project was successful because we…”

The reality is, sometimes it’s necessary to do a little “self-promotion.” But how you do that is the key to sounding humbly confident. If you lose that key you may just look arrogant and be locked out of future success, promotions, and stronger relationships. So stay humble, offer context, and keep your tone genuine. That’s how you can highlight your strengths without coming across as boastful.

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Is Your Cell Phone Controlling You?

I am old enough to vaguely remember a time before cell phones. I cannot for the life of me remember how I used all the time I now spend on my phone. I do, however, absolutely remember not being annoyed by people holding up a checkout line while talking to someone about some mind-numbing nonsense.

Research shows that the average person in the United States today checks their phone every 12 minutes, that’s approximately 80 times a day. This number, of course, varies by person but some people check their phones more often, a lot more often.

That means the average American spends 4 hours and 37 minutes looking at their phone every day. That quickly adds up over time to about 1 day every week, 6 days every month, and 70 days every year. The average American will spend 12 years staring at their phone screens over their lifespan.

I don’t know about you, but those numbers give me cause for concern. I’m pretty sure I might be above average on this.

At the very least, my cell phone use is a bad habit. It’s mindless, and it wastes a ton of time. Yes, it can add all kinds of productivity to my life, but if I’m honest, my cell phone use is a net negative productivity-wise. I refuse to say I’m addicted to a phone, but it does seem to have a level of control over my life I’m not comfortable with. So I’m going to take control back… now.

I know it won’t be easy, but I’ve done a bunch of research on this, and I think I’ve found some ideas to help me make my phone work for me instead of perhaps the other way around. Here’s my plan.

1. Identify the “Why”

Recognize what leads to excessive use: boredom, stress, or notifications. Once your’re consciously aware of that, you can take steps to minimize them.

2. Set Clear Goals

Determine why you want to cut back: Improved productivity? Better relationships? Clear goals make it easier to stay motivated.

Limit daily screen time: Set a target for phone usage through apps or your phone’s built-in settings. I’ve already started using this; it’s like magic. Truth be told, it can also be frustrating to have an app shut down on you because you’ve hit your limit. But, if you’re serious about controlling your phone, you’ll deal with it.

Try third-party apps: Use apps like Moment, Freedom, or Forest to block distractions or gamify staying off your phone.

3. Turn Off Non-Essential Notifications

Disable unnecessary notifications: Alerts from social media or other apps create constant distractions. Only keep important ones like texts or calls. So here’s the challenge with this one. You have to be honest with yourself about what’s important. A text from your kids or your spouse is, to me anyway, almost always important. A text from one of your fantasy football pals…not so much. That might sound sacrilegious to some of you, but come on, are you serious about this or not?

4. Create Phone-Free Zones

Establish no-phone zones in areas like the bedroom, dining room, or during social events. This helps build boundaries around when and where you use your phone. It may seem odd, but you DO NOT need your phone at the dinner table. Unless you live alone, there may be another human there who you could actually speak to, face-to-face. Like the olden days.

5. Replace Phone Time with Other Activities

Find alternatives to replace idle phone time: reading, exercising, journaling, or picking up a hobby. Engaging in these activities makes it easier to stay away from your phone. Find things and people to do them with that make you forget to check your phone. That’s like a double win.

6. Designate Phone-Free Times

Set specific hours when you won’t use your phone, like during meals, before bed, or in the morning. Creating structured breaks reduces mindless scrolling. There is all kinds of research that indicates that playing with your phone before bed messes with your sleep. Ditch the phone early in the evening and have a healthier sleep.

7. Establish Accountability

Involve friends or family: Share your goals and progress with someone who can help keep you accountable. Don’t get defensive when you’re “caught” breaking your own rules. You asked for accountability, so be accountable.

8. Keep Your Phone Out of Reach

Physically distance yourself from your phone: Keep it in another room or on the other side of the room to resist the urge to check it constantly. This is going to work better for you if you have notifications turned off. Or you can use the focus settings on an iPhone to turn them off temporarily or during certain times of the day.

I’m not saying any of these will be easy. I do think it will be easier if you stop and reflect on what your phone usage is causing you to miss. Great conversations with the love of your life. Quality time and real conversations with your kids. The time you miss with your kids is time you’ll wish you had back one day. I’m pretty sure you would tell anyone that your kids are more important than anything you’re doing on your phone. Remind yourself of that from time to time.

I’m looking forward to checking my phone only 40 times a day. That sounds ridiculous, but when you consider the averages, 40 times a day would be awesome.

So… who is going to join me in taking charge of your phone? And in a kind of weird twist, the more you take charge of your phone, the less you’ll have to charge it. 😎

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How to Be Productively Confident

When playing golf, I have all kinds of confidence when my ball lands in a sand trap. First off, I’m confident that I’m basically screwed. I’m also confident that I’m in immediate danger of blowing up the hole and thus my entire round of golf.

None of that is what I would call “productive confidence.” It is absolutely “negative confidence,” and I can assure you the results of “negative confidence” are not what you’re hoping for.

The good news is that through a gradual process that involves changing your mindset, behaviors, and habits, you can turn that negative confidence into very productive confidence. Here are some practical steps to help you begin that gradual process today.

1. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Identify negative thoughts: Pay attention to the negative beliefs you have about yourself, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I always fail.”

Replace them with positive affirmations: Instead of saying “I can’t,” say “I will.” Practice self-encouragement, and remind yourself of your accomplishments. For example, I have on occasion escaped the sand on my first attempt, even landing the ball approximately, kinda, sorta, where I intended to.

2. Take Action

Step out of your comfort zone: Confidence comes from doing. Push yourself to try new things, even if they make you feel uneasy at first. Each step forward builds productive confidence.

Start with small risks: Whether it’s speaking up in a meeting or trying a new skill, taking small risks will help you gradually become more comfortable with bigger challenges.

3. Improve Body Language

Stand tall and make eye contact: Your posture sends messages to yourself and others. Standing straight and making eye contact give the impression of confidence, and this feeling often follows your actions.

Smile and be approachable: These simple acts can make you feel more positive and open.

4. Build Competence

Master your skills: Whether it’s in your job, hobbies, or personal projects, building competence in an area will naturally boost your confidence. I am spending lots of time in bunkers these days practicing. I’m not using a golf ball yet; my focus is entirely on hitting grains of sand to exact spots on the green. I am productively confident that once I do use a ball, it will land exactly where I want it to as well.

Seek feedback: Constructive feedback helps you improve. Accept it gracefully and use it to grow.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity

Associate with supportive people: Spend time with people who uplift and encourage you. Their positive influence can enhance your self-belief.

Limit exposure to negativity: Minimize contact with people who constantly criticize or bring you down.

6. Practice Self-Care

Exercise and stay healthy: Physical activity releases endorphins, improving your mood and reducing anxiety. Feeling good about your body and health often correlates with feeling confident.

Prioritize mental well-being: Get enough sleep and give yourself time to relax and recharge.

7. Learn from Failure

Accept setbacks as part of growth: Everyone experiences failure. Instead of seeing it as a sign of defeat, treat it as an opportunity to learn and improve.

Celebrate progress: Acknowledge and celebrate even small victories. Reflecting on how far you’ve come boosts confidence for future challenges.

8. Visualize Success

Imagine yourself succeeding: Visualization is a powerful technique. Picture yourself achieving your goals or performing well in a situation. This mental practice can build confidence before you even take action.

9. Be Kind to Yourself

Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself when things don’t go perfectly. Everyone makes mistakes; what matters is how you handle them. Negative self-talk is even worse than having other people criticize you. You believe what you tell yourself about yourself, so keep it positive.

Reward your efforts: Celebrate your hard work and persistence, not just the end results.

Building productive confidence is an ongoing journey, and progress takes time. Being patient with yourself as you grow will make the process more rewarding. Expecting too much too soon actually works against you and slows you down.

It’s indeed good to push yourself, but not all day, every day. Allow yourself some wriggle room, and the productive confidence you build will remain productive for a long, long time.

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Earning the Right to Lead

One of the most common mistakes new leaders make is assuming that their position or title makes them a leader. It is as if one day they were individual contributors and the next day they were a respected leader. All because they have a new title or a position higher up in their organization.

But all the title or position does is give them the opportunity to earn the right to lead. It’s an opportunity that was available to them before they even had that position or title. They either didn’t realize it, or more likely, saw no need to earn the right to lead until they were actually in a leadership position.

But anyone who truly leads has earned that right by developing certain qualities and characteristics that inspire trust, respect, and commitment from others. They know that leadership is less about their title and more about the influence they build through their actions.

Here’s how you can also earn the right to lead.

1. Lead by Example

Integrity: Do what you say you will do. Consistency in your values and actions builds trust.

Work Ethic: Be willing to do the hard work. People follow those who demonstrate commitment. Never, ever forget that you’re leading by example, whether you intend to or not. It’s foolish to expect the people you lead to outwork you. You must show the way before you can lead the way.

Humility: Acknowledge your mistakes and remain open to feedback and learning.

2. Develop Strong Relationships Throughout Your Organization

Empathy: Understand and care about the needs, feelings, and challenges of others. Leaders who show empathy build deeper connections with their teams.

Active Listening: Pay attention to others’ input, showing that their opinions are valued.

Trust: Earn and give trust by being reliable, supportive, and respectful. We all have within us what I call a “credibility bank.” Every time we do exactly what we say we will, a small deposit is made into our credibility bank. Each time we fail to do exactly what we said we would do, a large withdrawal is made from that same credibility bank. That may not seem fair, but that’s the way it is. When your credibility balance goes too low, you lose the opportunity to lead.

3. Be Competent

Knowledge and Skills: Demonstrating expertise in your field and continuously learning builds credibility. When people know you’re skilled, they’ll trust your decisions.

Decision-Making: Be decisive but also thoughtful. Balancing analysis with intuition helps others to believe in your leadership.

Problem Solving: Leaders who can navigate challenges and come up with effective solutions gain the confidence of those they lead. And always remember, you are not the only one in your organization with good ideas. Listen to your team; your success as a leader depends on it.

4. Serve Others

Servant Leadership: Prioritize the needs of your team and help them succeed. When people feel you’re invested in their growth, they’re more likely to follow you.

Support and Empower: Encourage your team, give them the tools and freedom to excel, and celebrate their successes, big and small.

5. Communicate Frequently and Effectively

Clarity and Transparency: Be open about your goals, vision, and the reasoning behind decisions. Clear communication reduces uncertainty and builds trust. Information is the enemy of rumor. The more effectively you communicate with your people, the fewer productivity-killing rumors you’ll have to deal with.

Inspire: Share a vision that motivates others. A good leader knows how to articulate purpose and drive passion.

6. Build Credibility Over Time

Consistency: Leadership is earned through long-term behavior, not one-time acts. Be consistent in your character, values, and performance.

Accountability: Hold yourself accountable for your actions and the outcomes of your team. When things go wrong, accept responsibility; when things go right, share credit.

7. Adaptability

Embrace Change: Leaders must be flexible and open to new ideas. Being adaptable demonstrates that you’re capable of guiding others through evolving situations.

Resilience: Show strength in tough times. People look to leaders for confidence and direction when facing adversity.

8. Emotional Intelligence

Self-Awareness: Understand your own emotions, strengths, and weaknesses. Leaders who are self-aware make better decisions and manage relationships effectively.

Social Awareness: Recognize group dynamics, understand others’ emotions, and respond appropriately. This skill helps navigate complex interpersonal situations.

These are the qualities and characteristics that will help you earn the right to lead. By consistently embodying these traits, you build trust, respect, and influence. That ensures you have the commitment of the people you lead.

People in leadership positions who lack these qualities and characteristics can attempt to force the compliance of their people, but it’s unlikely they will ever have their commitment.

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How to Break Free of Bad Habits

First off, I want to make sure you read the title of this post correctly. It says breaking free of BAD habits. I think sometimes we are programmed to believe that all habits are bad. That is absolutely not the case.

Sometimes we can’t agree on what’s a good habit or a bad habit. For instance, many people would tell me that my Diet Coke habit is bad. I strongly disagree. But there are many good habits that we can all agree on. Eating healthy. Living within our means. Being kind to others. Being kind to ourselves. Those are examples of good habits.

But we are talking about bad habits in this post. Habits that are limiting our ability to live our best life possible and reach our full potential. It seems logical to me that since the habits are bad for us, we should have the motivation and discipline to “break free” of them rather easily.

But nothing about eliminating bad habits from our lives is easy.

Breaking bad habits can be incredibly challenging. Still, with the right mindset and strategies, it is entirely possible. Here are some ideas to help you break bad habits.

1. Identify the Habit and What Drives It

Self-awareness: Recognize the habit you want to break and understand why you do it.

Drivers: Identify the drivers of the habit. This could be certain times of the day, emotional states, environments, or specific people.

2. Understand the Cue-Behavior-Reward Loop

Cue: The trigger that initiates the habit. (For instance, seeing a donut.)

Behavior: The action you take in response to the cue. (For instance, eating the donut.)

Reward: The benefit you get from the behavior, reinforcing the habit. (The donut tastes good)

• Understanding this loop helps in identifying what needs to change. (This is bad example; I have no intention of ever giving up donuts)

3. Set Clear and Realistic Goals

Specific: Be clear about which habit you want to break.

Measurable: Set criteria for measuring progress.

Achievable: Ensure the goal is realistic.

Relevant: Make sure it aligns with your overall objectives.

Time-bound: Set a deadline for achieving the goal.

4. Develop a Replacement Habit

Positive Replacement: Replace the bad habit with a healthier or more productive one.

Small Changes: Start with small, manageable changes rather than attempting to overhaul your behavior all at once. Quitting something “cold turkey” rarely works. Remember, breaking free from a bad habit isn’t a race. Slow and steady most often makes the break permanent.

5. Change Your Environment

Remove Triggers: Alter your surroundings to minimize exposure to triggers.

Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with people and environments that support your goal. If your goal is to quit smoking, then hanging out in smoking lounges is a bad plan.

6. Use Positive Reinforcement

Rewards: Reward yourself for making progress and sticking to your new habit.

Celebrate Successes: Acknowledge and celebrate small victories along the way. All progress is progress; keep that in mind and enjoy even the little successes along the way.

7. Stay Accountable

Share Your Goals: Tell friends, family, or a support group about your goal.

Track Progress: Keep a journal or use apps to track your progress.

8. Be Patient and Persistent

Accept Setbacks: Understand that setbacks are normal. Don’t get discouraged by occasional failures.

Consistency: Keep working towards your goal consistently, even if progress is slow.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a few bad habits. We are, after all, human. But the more we can replace bad habits with good ones, the better off we will be. It is just a question of determination, motivation, and discipline. If you really want to live your best life possible, you need to realize the biggest obstacle to overcome is likely yourself and your bad habits.

That’s actually great news because it means breaking free is completely within your control. So, if you want your best life, all you need to do is go get it.

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How to Be More Generous

It is better to give than to receive. If you’re tempted to disagree with that, then let me remind you that’s straight out of the Bible, Acts 20:35. What the Bible doesn’t mention is this interesting phenomenon; the more you give, the more you tend to receive.

But just to be clear, true “givers” don’t give to get something in return. They give because they have a generous spirit. They enjoy helping other people. They enjoy sharing what they have. They enjoy making someone else’s day. And they enjoy all that whether they get anything in return or not.

If you’re not as generous as you’d like to be, don’t worry. You can develop the “giving habit” and learn to enjoy doing for others… just because you can.

Becoming more generous is a mindset and behavior shift that involves empathy, self-awareness, and intentional actions. Here are several practical ways to cultivate a spirit of generosity in your life.

1. Practice Empathy

Understand Others’ Needs: Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. By understanding the struggles and needs of others, you’re more likely to feel compassion and offer help.

Listen More: Being generous isn’t just about giving material things; it also means being present for others. Listen without interrupting, giving people the space to share their thoughts and feelings.

2. Start Small

Give Time: Offer help to friends, family, or neighbors with simple tasks like running errands, babysitting, or even listening when they need support. Time is one of the most valuable things you can offer because it is something you can never get back.

Be Kind Daily: Small acts of kindness, like holding a door open or offering a genuine compliment, create a habit of generosity. These moments of thoughtfulness add up.

3. Give Without Expectation

Detach from Recognition: True generosity comes from giving without expecting anything in return—whether that’s a thank-you or something more tangible. This helps to cultivate a spirit of selflessness. Remember, if you’re only giving to get someone in return, you’re not really giving; you’re making a trade.

Anonymous Giving: If you’re finding it hard to detach from recognition, try giving anonymously. This removes the pressure of receiving praise or acknowledgment.

4. Donate to Causes You Believe In

Monetary Donations: If you have the financial means, consider donating to a charity or cause you care deeply about. Choose organizations that resonate with your values and align with the kind of impact you want to see in the world.

Non-monetary Contributions: If financial giving isn’t possible, donate items you no longer use, such as clothes, food, or books. Volunteer your skills or time to a cause.

5. Be Generous with Praise and Gratitude

Acknowledge Others’ Efforts: Generosity can be as simple as acknowledging someone’s hard work or kindness. Offering praise boosts morale and encourages others.

Express Gratitude: Show appreciation for what others do for you. By doing this regularly, you’re spreading positivity and encouraging a culture of mutual generosity.

6. Build Generosity into Your Routine

Make Generosity a Habit: Schedule regular times to give—whether it’s volunteering once a month, donating a percentage of your income, or committing to daily acts of kindness.

Set Goals: Set personal goals around generosity. This could be helping a certain number of people in a month or donating a specific amount to charity.

7. Let Go of Scarcity Mindset

Adopt an Abundance Mentality: People who feel they have enough in life, whether it’s time, money, or love, are more likely to give freely. Trust that by being generous, you won’t end up with less; in many ways, you’ll feel more fulfilled.

Recognize What You Have: Be mindful of the privileges or advantages you possess. Recognizing your abundance fosters a mindset of sharing what you can.

8. Be Generous with Forgiveness

Let Go of Grudges: Offering forgiveness to those who’ve wronged you is a generous act that benefits both parties. It promotes healing and reduces negativity.

Be Kind to Yourself: Forgive yourself for past mistakes. When you’re more compassionate toward yourself, it becomes easier to extend that compassion to others.

9. Share Knowledge and Skills

Mentor Someone: Share your expertise with someone who can benefit from it. Mentorship, advice, and coaching are invaluable gifts that help others grow.

Teach What You Know: Offer to teach a skill to someone who wants to learn, whether it’s cooking, budgeting, or a professional skill. Sharing knowledge empowers others.

10. Be Open-Hearted and Vulnerable

Give Emotional Support: Generosity doesn’t always require material gifts. Being emotionally available and sharing your feelings and thoughts with others can foster deep connections.

Offer Encouragement: Uplift those around you by offering words of encouragement, especially during difficult times.

If you’ve read each one of those bullets thoughtfully, I’ll bet you’re a little surprised at how much you have to give. No matter what your bank account tells you, it’s possible for you to give and give generously. You only have to decide that you will.

Generosity is a continuous practice that becomes easier and more fulfilling the more you engage in it. By giving more freely—whether it’s your time, resources, or kindness—you contribute to making the world a more compassionate place, a better place. You, yes you, can make the world a better place; see, it truly is better to give than to receive.

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