How to Give Meaningful Feedback

It is a bit surprising how many people in leadership positions are unaware how important feedback is to the people they lead. Some just don’t like giving feedback. Some think providing feedback could lead to a confrontation so they avoid it like the plague. Some, sadly, are simply too damn lazy to make the effort required to provide meaningful feedback.

But if you’re in a leadership position you must understand that your people need to know how they are doing. They need to know if they are meeting your expectations. They need to know if what they are doing is adding value to the organization. The need to know if they are making a difference.

If you don’t tell them they are likely to assume the worst. In all of those situations. That will demotivate them and cause them to disengage. I do not know of a single organization that can afford disengaged people. Not a one!

Giving meaningful feedback is crucial for the personal and professional growth of the people you lead. Whether you are comfortable with giving feedback or not you need to do it. Here are some steps that might help you give meaningful feedback in a way that doesn’t stress you, or your people, out.

Be Specific. Address particular actions, behaviors, or situations rather than generalizations. For example, instead of saying, “Your presentation was great,” say, “I appreciated how you used real-life examples to illustrate your points in the presentation.”

Be Timely. Offer feedback as soon as possible after the event or behavior you’re addressing. This ensures that the details are fresh in both your mind and the recipient’s, making the feedback more relevant and actionable. Do not “store up” a bunch of feedback and then bury someone with it all at once. There are few things a leader can do that are more demoralizing than that.

Be Balanced. Provide a mix of positive feedback and constructive criticism. Highlight what the person did well, and then suggest areas for improvement. This balance helps maintain motivation and morale while still encouraging growth.

Focus on Behavior, Not Personality. Feedback should address actions or behaviors, not the individual’s personality or character. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re lazy,” say, “I noticed that you missed the deadline for the project.”

Use “I” Statements. Express your observations and feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory or judgmental. For example, say, “I noticed that you arrived late to the meeting,” instead of, “You’re always late.”

Offer Constructive Criticism. When providing criticism, be constructive and offer suggestions for improvement. Avoid simply pointing out flaws without providing guidance on how to address them. Do not say, “you need to do better.” Let them know exactly what “better” looks like and exactly how they can get there.

Be Sincere and Genuine. Authenticity is key to meaningful feedback. Ensure that your feedback comes from a place of genuine concern and desire to help the person grow, rather than from a place of criticism or judgment.

Encourage Dialogue. Feedback should be a two-way conversation. Encourage the recipient to ask questions, seek clarification, or share their perspective. This fosters mutual understanding and allows for a more productive exchange of feedback.

Set Clear Expectations. Clearly communicate your expectations moving forward, especially if the feedback is related to performance or behavior in a specific context. This helps the recipient understand what changes or improvements are needed.

Follow Up. Check in periodically to see how the person is progressing based on the feedback you provided. Offer ongoing support and guidance as needed, and acknowledge improvements or efforts made.

Giving meaningful feedback is not just about pointing out what went wrong. Any boss can do that. A leader is concerned about helping individuals learn and grow to reach their full potential. Make sure that’s your goal when giving feedback and you will do well.

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How to Be You

There are a whole bunch of people in the world who are a lot more tired than they need to be. That’s because they aren’t just being one person, they are trying, in many cases, to be multiple people. At work they are a person who tries to present a professional image. At church they are a God fearing believer. In their social life they are a carefree fun loving life of the party person. With their kids they are the loving authoritarian. They are so many different people in the same day it’s no wonder they are so tired.

They are also often confused because when you switch between all those personas, it’s easy to lose track of which one to be at any moment. It’s tough work being who you think other people want you to be. Or who you think you’re supposed to be.

Life is a whole lot easier and a whole lot less stressful when you find the courage to just be you. You’re authentic self, 100% of the time.

Being authentic means being true to yourself and living in alignment with your values, beliefs, and personality. It means being real and honest in your actions, words, and interactions. You don’t pretend to be someone you’re not or bow to society’s expectations or pressures.

Being authentic means being self-aware. It also means self-acceptance and the courage to express yourself honestly. This may mean being vulnerable or facing criticism. It’s about embracing your uniqueness. And, owning your thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment. Being authentic lets you live a more fulfilling life. It fosters deeper connections with others. It also promotes inner peace and contentment.

Being authentic may not get you the most friends but it will positively get you the right ones.

Being your authentic self involves a journey of self-discovery and self-expression. Here are some steps to help you along the way.

Self-Reflection. Take time to reflect on your values, beliefs, and interests. Ask yourself what truly matters to you and what makes you happy. It is amazing how many people have NEVER invested the time required to truly know themselves. Don’t wait another day to figure yourself out. Journaling or meditation can be helpful tools for this.

Self-Acceptance. Embrace all aspects of yourself, including your strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and imperfections. Accept that you are unique and that it’s okay to be different from others.

Set Boundaries. Establish healthy boundaries to protect your time, energy, and well-being. Learn to say no to things that don’t fit your values or goals. Instead, prioritize activities and relationships that fulfill you.

Authentic Communication. Practice expressing yourself honestly and openly, both verbally and non-verbally. Share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions authentically, without fear of judgment or rejection.

Follow Your Passions. Pursue activities and interests that ignite your passion and bring you joy. It could be a hobby, creative project, or career. Following your passions lets you fully engage with life and be yourself.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People. Surround yourself with people who accept you and encourage you to be yourself. Build close relationships with friends, family, and mentors. They should support your personal growth and authenticity.

Embrace Vulnerability. Be willing to be vulnerable and share your true self with others. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections and allows others to see the real you

Continuous Growth. Being yourself is a process. It’s ongoing and about self-discovery. Stay open to new experiences, challenges, and opportunities for personal development.

Celebrate Your Authenticity. Celebrate your unique qualities, talents, and contributions to the world. Embrace who you are wholeheartedly and take pride in living authentically.

Never forget, someone else’s opinion of you is their problem, not yours. Living an authentic life is one of the most “freeing” things you will ever do. YOU were made the way you are for a purpose, find that purpose, live it, and your authenticity is assured.

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Forgiving Yourself

Generally speaking I think people are pretty forgiving. It may take a while but we eventually forgive others. Sometimes even for some serious transgressions. But there is often one person we find it incredibly difficult to forgive and it’s really the person who frequently needs our forgiveness the most.

That person is ourselves. Until we can forgive ourselves it is much harder to accept forgiveness from someone else. The forgiveness of others is almost irrelevant if we are hanging on to the feeling that we are unforgivable.

You are not unforgivable. Here’s one absolute certainty…before you even knew you had done something requiring forgiveness, God had forgiven you. Think about how amazing that is because once you’re able to digest that thought you’ll find it easier to forgive yourself.

But even then, forgiving yourself is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. It requires the knowledge that making mistakes, even some whoppers, is as human as a human can get. I should also note here however that making the same “mistake” repeatedly is not really a mistake, it’s more of a choice. I personally struggle to be as forgiving with someone who repeatedly makes choices that negatively affect others.

But assuming you’ve made a genuine mistake, here are some steps you can take to begin the process of self forgiveness.

Acknowledge your mistake. Recognize what you did wrong and accept responsibility for it. Sometimes we’re haunted by a mistake that we won’t even admit. Somewhere inside you know you did wrong, admitting it, to yourself, is a must if you’re going to forgive yourself.

Understand why it happened. Reflect on the circumstances and factors that led to your actions. Were you just stupid for a minute, were you malicious, were you seeking revenge? You need to know this because it will impact what actions you take to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Feel your emotions. Allow yourself to feel any guilt, shame, or regret associated with the mistake. Remember, you’re human. You’re an emotional creature, own your emotions and they become easier to deal with.

Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend who made a mistake.

Make amends if possible. If your actions affected others, apologize and take steps to make things right. It’s easy to wallow in guilt and shame. Being proactive in making amends tends to prevent too much wallowing. Don’t feel sorry for yourself because you screwed up, do something about it.

Learn and grow. Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. This is the “making lemonade from lemons” part of the process. If you learn from your mistake it can make you a better person down the road. That makes self forgiveness much easier.

Let go of the past. Release yourself from the burden of guilt and allow yourself to move forward. Do not keep reliving the mistake. Remember the lessons learned but forget the mistake itself, at least as much as possible.

Repeat as necessary. Forgiveness is often not a one-time event but a process that may need to be revisited over time. But if you require forgiveness for the same “mistake” over and over you may need to start thinking more about the choices you’re making.

Forgiveness is a gift we most often reserve for others. Don’t forget you deserve forgiveness as much as the next person, even if it means you have to give it to yourself.

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How to Rebuild Trust

If you’re human and you’re reading this (if you’re not human and you’re reading this, please by any means possible let me know) then sooner or later you will do something that will cause someone to lose trust in you.

As has been said many times, trust takes a long time to build and only seconds to destroy.

But the destruction does not have to be permanent. If you’re willing to make the effort then over time you can rebuild the trust you once had. It’s not easy and it will take time but it can be done. Do not expect the other person, the one who’s trust you lost, to rebuild it. If you’re the trust breaker then you’re 100% responsible for rebuilding it too.

Rebuilding trust is a process. Here are some steps you can take to begin that process today.

Acknowledge the breach. Recognize and take responsibility for the actions or behaviors that led to the loss of trust. This demonstrates honesty and accountability. There can be no “but” in your acknowledgment. No “sorry but.” No, sorry if you’re offended “but” I didn’t mean it. By the way, if you really said something you didn’t mean that’s actually an indication that you’re so careless with your words or actions that you probably shouldn’t have been trusted in the first place. Think about that little tidbit a while.

Apologize sincerely. Offer a genuine apology, expressing remorse for any hurt or harm caused. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for and show empathy towards the other person’s feelings. And this should go without saying, but in case it needs to be said… if it’s not a sincere apology then don’t bother in the first place.

Communicate openly. Encourage open dialogue about the situation. Listen attentively to the other person’s concerns and feelings without becoming defensive. Be transparent about your intentions and actions moving forward. This is another step where there can be no “buts.” You offended someone, you may have even hurt them. When they tell you why they feel the way they feel don’t you dare respond with a “yes but.” That is a clear indication that you likely do not value their feelings.

Set boundaries. Establish clear boundaries and expectations to prevent similar issues from arising in the future. This could include agreeing on specific behaviors or actions that are off-limits. Once the boundaries are set do not cross them… no matter what.

Demonstrate consistency. Consistently follow through on your commitments and promises. Your actions should align with your words to build credibility and reliability. Rebuilding trust is not a part time process. You must honor 100% of your commitments, 100% of the time. Whether you feel like it or not.

Be patient. Rebuilding trust takes time, so be patient and understanding. Allow the other person space to process their feelings and gradually rebuild their trust in you. Remember, it’s wrecking trust that happens fast, rebuilding it will take longer than it took to build it in the first place.

Seek feedback. Regularly check in with the other person to see how they’re feeling about the progress of rebuilding trust. Be open to feedback and willing to make adjustments as needed. You may need to ask a few times to get an answer but the mere asking of the question can help rebuild trust.

Show genuine remorse. Continuously express genuine remorse for the hurt caused and demonstrate your commitment to making amends. Actions often speak louder than words, so be consistent in your efforts to rebuild trust.

Obviously it’s way better not to do or say things that cause someone to lose trust in you to begin with. But we’re human and sometimes we do things we wish we hadn’t. But whether you’re able to rebuild trust with someone or not, simply going through the process will make it less likely that you’ll make the same mistake again.

That’s called improvement and I call that a very good thing.

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How to be Less Busy and More Productive

Many years ago, the government awarded a grant to a major US University. The grant was to research if they could develop an artificial appendix. While it was many years ago, it wasn’t so long ago that the medical profession hadn’t already determined that the appendix was unnecessary for the body to function. When it becomes blocked they simply remove it.

But that didn’t prevent the researchers from wasting time and money busily going about their work. The problem was this: no matter what their research found, it wouldn’t be productive. That’s because no one needs an appendix, especially an artificial one.

I think one of the biggest wastes of time is becoming proficient at doing something that doesn’t need to be done at all. Truly successful people never let that happen to them. They fully understood the vast difference between being merely busy and actually being productive.

Being busy means you’re occupied with tasks. Being productive means you’re achieving results or progress towards your goals. Being busy can mean lots of movement with little outcome. Being productive is different. It involves focused effort that leads to real accomplishments.

I would even go so far as to say that if you can’t clearly state what you did on a particular day to move closer to one of your goals then you were not productive. No matter how busy you were. No matter how tired you were. No matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

You cannot reach your full potential by being busy. If you’re going to use your knowledge and strengths to full effect you’ve got to focus on being productive as often as possible.

So if you want to be less busy and more productive, here’s a few ideas to try.

Prioritize tasks. Identify the most important tasks and focus on them first. I can legitimately guarantee you that no human on the planet has more time than you do. What they may have is a far greater awareness of what their priorities are. When do you things in order of their importance it virtually forces you to be more productive.

Set boundaries. Learn to say no to tasks that don’t align with your goals. Saying NO is like a Superpower for highly productive people. They say no to busy work so they can say yes to productive work. Plus, they understand that no is a complete sentence. They don’t waste time giving long winded explanations about why they are saying no. Sometimes you may have to provide an explanation to avoid being rude but not nearly as often as you think.

Schedule breaks. Allow yourself time to recharge throughout the day. Most busy people eat lunch at their desks. But, the productive people enjoy lunch in the break room or a restaurant. Taking a lunch break and shutting off work, even for 15 minutes, can increase your focus and productivity. It can do so by as much as 30% in the last couple of hours of the day.

Delegate when possible. Share responsibilities with others to lighten your load. So here’s a tip especially for people in leadership positions. If you’re really leading then there are likely things that you need to do that other people can’t do. So delegate to ensure you’re not doing the things that someone else can do. Because if you’re doing something that someone else could do, then you’re NOT doing something that only you can do. That’s called being busy, not productive.

Limit distractions. Minimize interruptions like phone notifications or unnecessary  meetings. Here’s a wild idea. Turn the phone on silent, turn off the vibration setting and place the phone screen down on your desk. Or better yet, learn to use the focus settings that most smartphones have today. Remember, looking at sports scores or the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s new album might make you feel busy. But it’s likely far from the most productive thing you could be doing.

Use time blocks. Allocate specific time slots for different tasks to maintain focus. A time block is like an appointment with yourself and it’s one of the most important appointments you can have. When you set aside a couple of hours to accomplish a task don’t allow anything or anyone to interrupt you. That’s vital because that interruption will make you busier but less productive. Exactly the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish.

Review and adjust. Regularly evaluate your workload and productivity methods to make necessary improvements. It’s easy to get off track. Remaining productive in the face of distractions and other people’s priorities isn’t easy. But developing the discipline to do it consistently will pay life changing rewards.

One last thing. Be honest will yourself. It’s so easy to reward ourselves for being busy. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking our tiredness at the end of the day means we’ve accomplished something. Don’t fall into those traps. Don’t live a busy life. Live a productive life and you’ll never go back to being busy again.

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Dealing with Frustration

Lots of “stuff” can cause frustration. But only if we let it. People can frustrate us too. But only if we allow them to. Frustration is a natural reaction to circumstances when we believe those circumstances to be beyond our control.

But to some extent being frustrated really is a choice. We can allow frustrating circumstances to get the better of us or we can choose to get the better of those same circumstances. It’s an important choice because frustration can have various damaging effects on a person. Both mentally and physically.

Mentally, it can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression over time. Physically, it may manifest as headaches, muscle tension, or even chronic health issues like high blood pressure. Frustration can also impair decision-making abilities and strain relationships. Overall, it can significantly impact your well-being and quality of life.

So it pays to make an effort to minimize frustration in your life. Making the effort to deal with frustrating circumstances involves specific steps.

1. Acknowledge your emotions. Recognize and accept your feelings of frustration. You can deny frustration all you want but it is what it is. Denying that your frustrated will not eliminate the negative consequences.

2. Take a step back. Pause and take a deep breath to calm yourself. It’s amazing what separating yourself from the source of your frustration, even if only for 30 seconds, can do for you.

3. Analyze the situation. Identify the specific cause of frustration and assess if it’s within your control.

4. Focus on what you can control. Direct your energy towards factors you can influence or change. Trying to control the uncontrollable only adds to your frustration, it does nothing to minimize it.

5. Seek solutions. Brainstorm possible solutions or ways to improve the situation. Just the process of brainstorming can lessen the stress of dealing with frustration.

6. Take action. Implement the best solution and adapt as needed. Nothing kills frustration like doing something about it. Taking action gives you back a feeling of control. Control and frustration cannot coexist. The more control you exercise over your circumstances, the less room there is for frustration in your life.

7. Practice self-care. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge. This is the same concept as “put your own oxygen mask on first.” You’re not helping anyone or anything if you’re so stressed out you can barely think.

8. Seek support. Talk to friends, family, or a colleague if needed for guidance and encouragement. I’m not necessarily a big fan of “venting” but sometimes blowing off a little steam takes the pressure of frustration off too.

It’s normal to encounter frustrating circumstances. It’s how you choose to respond to the frustrating circumstances that will make all the difference. Choose well!

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Living According to Your Core Values

Many people struggle with setting meaningful goals for their life. Many of those same people find it difficult to make decisions, especially big, life altering decisions. A good number of those same people have relationship issues throughout their lives. They can’t quite seem to find their “match.”

All of those challenges have one underlying cause. That cause is Core Values.

Just to be clear, it is not a lack of Core Values. It is a lack of understanding exactly what their Core Values are. I believe everyone has Core Values, those values that are life defining. Values that are worth fighting for. Even values that are worth dying for.

But through the years I’ve come to realize that most people, perhaps even the vast majority of people, have invested scant time thinking and reflecting on what their Core Values actually are. Those Core Values are buried deep within them but not so deep that they don’t impact their thinking. Their ever present Core Values inform their thinking but they do so subconsciously.

When people know and understand their Core Values they bring them to the surface. Once surfaced their Core Values help them make better and bigger decisions. They inform them as to what goals truly matter long term. Their Core Values help them find and keep a person who will be their partner for the rest of their lives.

Core Values are a very big deal. They are an even bigger deal once you’ve determined your Core Values and decide to consciously live your life accordingly.

Determining your Core Values involves reflecting on what matters most to you in life. Start by considering experiences, beliefs, and principles that have consistently guided your decisions and actions. Ask yourself probing questions about what brings you fulfillment, what you stand for, and what you couldn’t live without. Write down a list of potential values, then narrow it down to the ones that resonate with you the most deeply. Your Core Values should reflect your authentic self and serve as a compass for making choices aligned with your true priorities.

Core Values vary from person to person, but some common examples include:

1. Integrity: Being honest, trustworthy, and acting with moral principles.

2. Respect: Treating others with dignity, empathy, and understanding.

3. Responsibility: Taking ownership of one’s actions and obligations.

4. Excellence: Striving for the highest quality and continuous improvement.

5. Compassion: Showing kindness, empathy, and care towards others.

6. Courage: Facing challenges with bravery and perseverance.

7. Equality: Believing in fairness and justice for all individuals.

8. Gratitude: Appreciating the blessings and expressing thankfulness.

9. Authenticity: Being true to oneself and living with transparency.

10. Collaboration: Working together and valuing teamwork and cooperation.

These are just a few examples, and individuals may prioritize different values based on their personal experiences, beliefs, and aspirations.

Actually living according to your Core Values involves aligning your actions, decisions, and behaviors with the principles that matter most to you. Here’s how you can do it.

Identify your core values. Reflect on what truly matters to you and define your core values. Write them down to have a clear understanding of what they are.

Integrate values into decision-making. When faced with choices or dilemmas, consider how each option aligns with your core values. Choose the path that resonates with your principles, even if it’s challenging.

Set goals aligned with your values. Define short-term and long-term goals that reflect your core values. This ensures that your actions are directed towards what you find meaningful and fulfilling.

Practice self-awareness. Regularly evaluate your thoughts, feelings, and actions to ensure they are consistent with your values. Adjust your behavior if you notice any discrepancies.

Communicate your values. Be open about your core values with others, including friends, family, and colleagues. This helps create authentic connections and fosters mutual understanding.

Stay true to yourself. Resist the temptation to compromise your values for external approval or short-term gains. Stand firm in your beliefs, even in the face of adversity.

Learn and grow. Continuously seek opportunities for personal growth and self-improvement that are in line with your core values. Embrace challenges as opportunities to strengthen your commitment to what matters most to you.

By consciously integrating your Core Values into your daily life, you can lead a more authentic, purposeful, and fulfilling existence. You will make better decisions, choose better friends, and set meaningful goals that motivate you to achieve your full potential. In short, you’ll live your very best life and you’ll know exactly how, and why you’re doing it.

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