Tag Stress

Negative Stress Has No Benefits

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Everyone experiences stress in their lives from time to time. Some of that stress is forced upon them and some of it they create themselves. But no matter where it originates from it is likely not good for them.

I say likely because some stress is actually positive, although it may not feel like it at the time. Some stress pushes you out of your comfort zone and drives you to take action. You would accomplish much less if there were absolutely no stress in your life. 

But the fact is that much of the stress in people’s lives is negative stress. The kind that has zero benefit. The negative stress that is piled on people by bosses, uncontrollable circumstances and the like is the toughest to deal with. But if you can think about the stress in your life with a clear head you may discover that much of the uncontrollable stress in actually controllable. 

When you continuously allow people into your life who do nothing but add stress to it then that’s on you. That’s something you can control. You only have to decide that you will.

Many times people manufacture their own stress. There are a few ways people do that. 

One is they become mind readers. Here’s a typical example. You’re in a big meeting and you see your boss leave the room with his boss. Now there’s only one thing they could be talking about out in that hallway…it must be you. You wonder what you did. You wonder if there’s any chance it’s a conversation about something you’ve done right. But you quickly decide it is not. And presto, just like that you start stressing. The amazing thing is that there are likely other people in the room stressing like you. Stop reading minds because it is highly unlikely you’re any good at it. You’re only manufacturing stress that does you no good.

The second way to manufacture stress out of thin air is to mistake feelings for facts. People, like me for instance, often mistake their feelings for reality. If you want to see how that works just watch a Hallmark movie. At some point, usually with about 20 minutes left there will be a huge misunderstanding and someone’s feelings will be hurt. The person assumes what they feel is based on facts but low and behold, with mere seconds left in the movie it’s all straightened out and two people live happily ever after. 

The problem is life isn’t a Hallmark movie. The misunderstanding often doesn’t get straightened out and the stress we manufacture has huge consequences, sometimes those consequences last a very long time. If you’re not CERTAIN about the FACTS of a situation ask for clarification. Even if you run the risk of looking stupid it’s better than being stupid by creating unnecessary stress in your life. 

And then there’s this…people turn molehills into mountains. That do that by catastrophizing. They turn every little problem into a catastrophe. Every mistake is the end of the world. Every problem becomes an insurmountable obstacle. They are doomed. This kind of manufactured stress increases day by day until the person is paralyzed into inactivity. All this because of what is essentially an over active imagination. 

You can eliminate much of the stress in your life by understanding it’s origins. A whole bunch of it likely is self-created. When you feel that happening the best thing you can do is disconnect from the situation, even if only for a few minutes. Talk a walk, call a friend. Ask for help. Or do what I do, eat some ice cream. You’ll find that to be particularly effective. 

There will be circumstances outside of your control that add stress to your life. Don’t add to it by creating more of your own. 

On a different subject… Everyone can use a “nudge” towards success. I’m trying something new on Twitter. It’s called “Super Followers.” For $5 a month, that’s 17 cents a day, people can follow a part of my Twitter stream that is for subscribers only. It features short videos of me discussing leadership topics, sales tips and ideas for better overall relationships. I’m assuming there will be far fewer Super Followers than the million or so people who regularly follow me on Twitter. That will give me the opportunity to answer questions more throughly than I can on regular Twitter. Most of the answers will come in the evening cause we all have day jobs, right? Think of it as ”mentoring on demand!”

My goal with SuperFollowers is to build a better connection, one where I can help more and have a greater impact. I’m hoping it gives me a chance to mentor to a wider audience. It’s still new, we’ll see how it works. It’s a $5 dollar investment that may be the extra “push” you need to get to where you want to be. I’d be honored to be able to help get you there. 

You can find more information by clicking the Super Follow button on my Twitter profile page IN THE TWITTER APP. http://twitter.com/leadtoday Give it a try if you’re so inclined, and if you are, be sure to let me know how I’m doing and how I can be of even more help.

The Best Stress Eliminator, EVER!

Steve Keating 1 Comment

For most people the majority of the stress in their lives is self-inflected. We worry about stuff that hasn’t happened and likely never will. We imagine unlikely possibilities over and over until we are convinced they are almost certain to happen.

Nothing eliminates stress and worry better than action. The most effective action you can take to eliminate stress from your life is to make decisions.

Sitting around wondering what to do and when to do it mixes life into a toxic combination of fear, worry and stress. Making a decision and acting on it becomes a powerful elixir of motivating control over your life. 

You may be thinking that if the whole decision making and taking action thing was as easy as I make it sound you would have already done it. Well, I’ll admit that sometimes it’s not so easy but I’ve never seen a time where it wasn’t possible. So I’ll share with you now 7 “mini actions” that by themselves are far easier to do. When done together and in order they lead to nothing less than freedom from that toxic combination.

First resolve to do something about the situation that is causing you the stress. If that seems simplistic it isn’t. Many many people dwell on their problems with the assumption that “there is nothing they can do.” The first little baby step is deciding that you will try something to free yourself from that situation. You MUST know that every situation is temporary, the question is will you control your future or allow circumstances to control it for you.

Next gather information. Some of the information you’ll need to make a good decision will come from self-reflection. What are your strengths, what are your weaknesses. Some of the information will come from outside sources. Books, online research that pertains to your situation and trusted friends. Be sure to talk only to friends and family that care enough about you to be honest and that have your best interests in mind.

The information you collect will likely lead to several possible action steps. Make a list of all the possible alternations. Use your desired outcome to create additional alternatives if none of the alternatives you see take you where you want to go.

Now you’ll need to weigh the alternatives against your desired outcome using your personal values to guide you to choosing the best one. List the alternatives in priority order with the one most likely to help you achieve your goal as number one. Number one will become Plan A but plans don’t always work so you’ll want a Plan B and C. That eliminates the stress of worrying about what happens if Plan A doesn’t work. You’ll know exactly what you will do next.

Choose your alternative. If you can’t decide between two alternatives then flip a coin. If that sounds like a ridiculous way to determine your future then consider this…in the moment that coin is in the air you’ll know exactly which way you hope it falls. You will have made your decision! 

The most important step is acting on your decision. Action defeats stress and worry. Even if the decision turns out to be the wrong decision you will have made progress. Even a little progress, maybe even in the not so right direction, is better than sitting still wallowing in stress. 

Share your decision and plan with people who care about you. Ask them for help with accountability to stick with your plan. Ask them to make sure your action is constant until the stress inducing situation is resolved. 

You do not need stress in your life. Decisions and the actions that follow eliminates stress. Now, stop thinking about this post and DO something.

What Are You Worried About?

Steve Keating 1 Comment

It seems as if no matter where you live in the world there are plenty of things to worry about. I suppose many of those things are worth worrying about. Many of the things we worry about however are not worth the worry and stress we put into them. 

 

One of the things that many people worry about that they shouldn’t is other people’s opinion of them. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who’s opinion matters to me… a lot. There’s just not very many of them. Not very many at all. 

 

Popeye said “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.” I’m like Popeye, (except for the spinach part) I am what I am. I’m pretty comfortable with that. I’m also comfortable with the fact that there are  people who won’t like that. That’s their concern not mine. 

 

If you’re like me there are lots of areas of your life you could improve. You could be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, a better leader. Those are areas where change is required in order for improvement to take place. But I won’t change my beliefs or sacrifice my principles to try and be something or someone that more people might like. I’d gladly accept the respect of a handful of people over the “likes” of a roomful. 

 

You can’t control other people’s opinions of you without giving up at least part of what makes you the person you are. So don’t waste time trying. Simply be the very best version of you that you can be. 

 

I do not believe it’s possible to experience true success when you’re trying to be what other people want you to be. Get used to the fact that there will be people who do not like the genuine version of you. It is far far far more important that YOU like the genuine version of you. If you’re okay with you then the people who are supposed to matter in your life will be okay with you too. 

 

Stress and worry will creep into your life, there is just too much happening today to block worry completely out of your life. But do not fuel your worry fire by adding the opinions of people who don’t know you, don’t really care about you and don’t respect you to the gas can. 


I’ve always liked the Bobby McFerrin song “Don’t Worry be Happy” but if you really want to be happy just be you!


The Trouble With Trifles

Steve Keating 2 Comments

There is a great book written by Richard Carlson entitled “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” I knew the book was spot on before I even opened it because the second part of the title is “and it’s all small stuff.” 

 

My sentiments exactly!

 

Anger, especially anger that comes from small stuff, is a terrible master and if you let yours control any part of your life you will be worse off because of it. If you allow “little things” to bother you or add any amount of stress to your life then you are limiting your potential. 

 

My dad used to be a worrier; he allowed most everything, even the very trivial stuff, to bug him. It didn’t take much to cause him worry and it took even less to get his hackles up. Then he heard something far from trivial from his doctor. He heard he needed a heart transplant. 

 

Once he received his new heart he was like a new man. Not only was he physically better but he no longer sweat the small stuff and he truly believed it was all small stuff. 

 

After living decades with his still like new heart he would tell you that all it takes for the day to be great is to wake up. To be given a new day. To have one more chance to enjoy life, that’s all that truly matters. 

 

So before you get yourself worked up, before you add an ounce of stress to your life, before you care about anything, ask yourself if it will matter in 10 years. Ask if it will matter in 10 months, 10 weeks or even in 10 minutes. 

 

If you’re like most people you will discover that it won’t. 

 

A mentor of mine once told me to never underestimate the absolute unimportance of almost everything I did. At first I was offended and then I asked myself those questions. When I was honest with myself I was shocked to discover that most of what I did wouldn’t matter for long. Some of it might matter in 10 minutes, some for 10 weeks but hardly anything was going to matter in even a year much less 10 years down the road. 

 

It was a sobering realization. It’s humbling to realize that most of what you do, most of what you stress over, most of what you’ve convinced yourself is important really doesn’t matter. But it was also a freeing realization. It allowed me to “let go” of the little things that had imprisoned my joy of life. 

 

A trifle is defined as a thing of little value or importance. The trouble with trifles is that we give them undue importance and that allows them to block us from the truly important things that we could be thinking about, we could be talking about or we could actually be doing.

 

The most successful people and the most effective leaders don’t fuss over the trifle stuff. They focus on what matters today and what will still matter tomorrow and for many tomorrows to come. 

 

If you have trouble with trifles then decide today that you won’t be fooled any longer, decide today to focus on what truly matters.

Submarine Your Stress!

Steve Keating 4 Comments

Most people have at least heard the phase “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It’s not just a saying, it’s actually the title of one of the greatest books ever written. It was written in 1936 by the legendary Dale Carnegie. It has been a best seller forever, translated into more languages than virtually any other book. 

It is truly a life changing book, to this very day. 

But many people who know Dale Carnegie’s work well would tell you it’s not his most impactful book. They would say it’s the book Carnegie people call “the worry book.” It’s official title is “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” 

It is truly a masterpiece of tactical insights into how to control worry in your life. 

The insight, or principle as Mr. Carnegie called them, that has made the biggest difference for me is the very first one discussed in the book. 

The principle says that to avoid worry we should “live in day-tight compartments.”

A submarine is divided into compartments so that when a problem develops in one compartment the other compartments can be sealed off from the trouble. Dale Carnegie suggested that we live our lives as a submarine is constructed. 

Live each day as a separate compartment. Don’t let yesterday’s troubles seep into today and never let tomorrow’s potential worries (which often never happen anyway) leak into today’s opportunity for success.

As simple and as easy as that sounds it is anything but. It requires a steely discipline and faith that today’s good can drown out yesterday’s not-so-good. 

Here’s one thing I’ve found that helps me to live in day-tight compartments. I don’t just compartmentalize my days, I put many things into their own compartments. 

I work hard to keep my work life separate from my family life. As bad as it is to let one bad work interaction negatively affect the next work interaction it’s absolutely terrible, tragic really, to let something bad that happened at work have a negative impact on my family. 

There is never a good reason to “take out” my work frustrations on the people who are far more important to me than anything to do with my job. By compartmentalizing those two areas of my life that’s much less likely to happen. 

I once had a participant in a Dale Carnegie Class tell the class that he passed over a long bridge on his way to and from work each day. He said that at the end of each work day he packed up all his worries and put them in a box. On his way home as he crossed the bridge he rolled down his window and tossed the box out the window and into the river he was crossing over. The problems and the worry they caused never came home with him. 

He went on to say that sometimes the box would be waiting for him on the bridge when he was returning to work but that was okay, he was back at work and that’s where his work worries belonged. 

If you want to attempt living in day-tight compartments then you need to find your own metaphorical bridge. Maybe you’ll need several of them, that’s perfectly okay.

This much I can tell you; developing the discipline of living in day-tight compartments will do more to relieve stress in your life than anything else you can do. There is enough stress for most of us in a single day, we don’t need to be dragging stress from yesterday or tomorrow into today. Most of us can deal with the weight of stress from one day, it’s when the days start to pile on that we have real trouble.

Live in day-tight compartments and the worries of life will find it very hard to gang up on you! 

By the way….read the book.

Don’t Stress Over Stress

Steve Keating 7 Comments

Do you believe that all stress is bad? That all stress has a negative impact on your performance and life?

Maybe you’re one of those people who believes that some stress is positive. You could be one of those who believe that a bit of stress is actually good for you and actually improves your performance and productivity.

If your mindset on stress is negative then you likely stress over being stressed. If you believe that stress can be positive then you’re likely better able to handle everyday stress inducing events.

Let’s talk first about people with a mostly positive mindset about stress. This is a bit of a generalization but as a group they tend to be the people most willing to ask for help and feedback on their performance. They also are the most likely to have mentors to coach them through the stressful situation.

They gain confidence from “surviving” the stress-inducing event and as a result they have even less stress in the future.

The lesson here appears simple, if you want to be more effective at managing stress then at least consider the possibility that not all stress is negative.

The lesson might appear simple but it is not. You can’t just will stress away.

Here are some concrete actions you can take to help reduce everyday stress in your life:

Know your stressors.
This is the most important step of all, because identifying the things that cause stress in your life is the first step towards eliminating them. Take 15 minutes to think about what stresses you out during the day. What people, activities, and things cause stress in your life? Make a Top 10 list, and see which of them can be eliminated, and start to weed them out. For those that can’t, find ways to make them less stressful.

Remember, successful people don’t complain about the things in their life that they can control. If there are stressors in your life that you can control and you choose not to then stop complaining about too much stress. You must actually like it.

Eliminate unnecessary commitments.
Learn to say no! The most successful people under-commit and over-deliver. Personal commitments can be just as stressful as business commitments so examine your entire life to determine where and when you over commit. Be brutally honest with yourself and eliminate commitments that bring no real value to you or those important to you.

Stop being late.
Being late always stresses us out. When you have to rush to get ready, rush to get there, and worry the whole time about looking bad and being late you stress yourself out. Learn the good habit of being early, and this stress disappears. Make a conscious effort to start getting ready earlier, and to leave earlier. Time yourself to see how long it actually takes to get ready, and how long it actually takes to get somewhere. You’ve probably been underestimating these times. Once you know these times, you can plan backwards so that you show up a few minutes early each time. You’ll enjoy the feeling.

Manage your calendar.
Don’t fool yourself into believing you’re highly productive by filling your calendar each day from sun-up to sun-down. When you leave yourself no time to deal with the unexpected you allow the stress of dealing with the unexpected into your life. If you have a negative mindset about stress then you’re actually less productive when you’re stressed. Give yourself some time on your calendar each day to breath and you can exhale some of the stress from your life.

Be grateful. Learn to relish and appreciate the stress inducing events in your life. Consider the opportunities that come with stress. When your job causes you stress be thankful for it. If it was easy then your company might be paying somebody else less qualified to deal with it.

When your family causes you stress just consider life without them. Be grateful for what you have, for the people in your life and the blessings that come with them. That mindset will help some stress disappear and make living with the stress that remains easier.

The cemeteries are full of formerly stressed out people who I’d bet would be the first to tell you that none of their stress inducing events really mattered at the end.

Take a lesson from them and relax a bit, enjoy the stressful parts of life because even the most stressful day is better than no day at all.

Living in Daytight Compartments

Steve Keating 3 Comments

Some of the regular readers of this blog know that I worked for Dale Carnegie Training for a number of years. It truly was a life changing experience. The training business is a huge business with training companies and independent training “experts” almost as prevalent as people who need the training. 

Despite the never ending attempts, in the 100 years of Dale Carnegie Training’s existence not one single company has been able to duplicate the results of the original Dale Carnegie Course.   The design of the course and the incessant training of it’s instructors truly make it a one of a kind program.

Seventeen years after leaving that organization I still can’t recommend their programs enough. One of the books you receive as part of the Dale Carnegie course is of course, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It is a timeless classic. The 36 principles written about in that book are an answer to almost any situation a person could find themselves in. While the language in the book is quaint and inclusive by today’s standards it’s principles apply today every bit as much as they did in 1936 when the book was first published.

Most everyone has at least heard of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It is an incredible book, a great book and one I highly recommend. It is not however, at least in my opinion, the best book Dale Carnegie wrote. That distinction belongs to a far lessor known book entitled “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” It was first printed in Great Britain in 1948, and remains in print today. 

It provides a priceless set of principles for overcoming worry and stress in our daily lives. To be sure, it doesn’t speak much to the catastrophic events of our lives but to the everyday events that cause the vast majority of the stress in a person’s life.

One of the most impactful concepts is the principle of Living in Daytight Compartments. That principle basically says we should not worry about what happened yesterday and allow no stress over what might happen tomorrow. 

Yesterday is done, we can learn from it but we can’t change it. Any worry and stress we apply to the past is a total and complete waste of time. Fix what must be fixed, apologize to those you may have offended, resolve to not repeat the stress inducing incident again and MOVE ON! 

Your future success and accomplishments will not be found in the past. Successful people plan for the future but they live in the present. They know that dwelling on the past, and worse, dwelling IN the past, will only hinder their future. Worrying about yesterday crushes our enjoyment of today and lessens the likelihood of succeeding tomorrow. 

The vast majority of the things that could happen never will. That includes the vast majority of the things we waste time worrying about. Seriously, there are enough “things” to worry about today that we certainly don’t need to borrow any from tomorrow. 

When you worry about stuff that might happen, could happen, or might not happen you again crush your enjoyment of today. You also limit your critical thinking skills, the very skills you may need to make tomorrow a successful day. 

Worry pays no dividend, it never has and it never will. The better job you do at living in daytight compartments the more likely it will be that you succeed. 

Successful people learn from yesterday, plan for tomorrow and live in today. Focus on where you’re at and what you’re doing today. That is the surest way to eliminate yesterday’s regrets and ensure tomorrow’s joy. 

Live as if today is the most important day of your life and it just may be!