Tag Getting Along

Associating With People You Just Don’t Like

Steve Keating Leave a comment

President Abraham Lincoln once said of a person, “I do not like that man; I must get to know him better.”

Lincoln knew that actually knowing, and then understanding a person, would make it much less likely that you would not like them. These days, we often make snap judgments about people. We base them on little information. Then hold on to that opinion, virtually forever.

We then tend to avoid those people as much as possible. The challenge with that, of course, is that it limits our ability to expand our own horizons. When we associate only with people who we like, we limit ourselves. The most likely reason we like them is because they are a lot like us. They think like us, they talk like us, they might even dress like us. They know and believe the same things we do.

That’s great except it’s unlikely that they will be able to help us grow. Growth most often comes when we are uncomfortable. Associating with people who are different from us, people we may not like, makes us uncomfortable. That’s why we tend to avoid them.

But truly, having the opportunity to reach our full potential most often requires being uncomfortable on a regular basis. That includes associating with people we would rather stay away from.

Associating with and even actually getting along with people you don’t naturally click with can be challenging. But it’s a valuable skill for both personal and professional settings. Here are some ideas to help you build that skill.

Adjust Your Perspective
Try not to focus on the traits you dislike. Instead, find something to appreciate in them, no matter how small. This shift can help you see them in a more neutral, less emotionally charged way.

Empathy and Understanding
Sometimes people act in ways that reflect their own challenges, insecurities, or past experiences. Imagining the world from their perspective can help you see where they’re coming from and reduce frustration.

Set Clear Boundaries
You don’t need to become close with people you don’t like. Maintain clear, respectful boundaries so you have control over the level and type of interactions you have with them.

Focus on the Task, Not the Person
If you’re working together, focus on the objective instead of the relationship. This can help keep things professional and ensure that you accomplish what needs to be done without getting sidetracked by personal feelings.

Limit Reactivity
Avoid reacting emotionally to things that bother you. Take a deep breath, pause, and remind yourself not to take things personally. Staying calm and neutral can defuse tension and prevent situations from escalating.

Practice Patience and Tolerance
Remind yourself that you don’t have to agree with someone to be polite and civil. Tolerance can allow you to engage without emotionally investing in their quirks or irritating habits.

Keep Interactions Short and Purposeful
If you really struggle to be around someone, limit the duration and scope of your interactions. Stick to the essentials, and give yourself space to recharge afterward.

Communicate Directly but Respectfully
If there’s a specific behavior causing conflict, address it with kindness. Speak in “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory and focus on how their actions affect your needs or goals rather than criticizing them directly.

Develop a Sense of Humor
Laughing things off or seeing the humor in a situation can help lighten the mood and make interactions feel less strained. Just be careful to avoid humor that could come across as mocking or sarcastic.

Focus on Self-Improvement
Difficult interactions can actually be opportunities to work on your own patience, empathy, and communication skills. View these interactions as a chance to grow and improve.

Generally speaking, I think it’s worth the effort to try and at least develop a professional relationship, even with people who you could never be friendly with. But there are exceptions. Some people, I hope a very few, are just too morally bankrupt to invest time and effort with. That’s a sad fact but a fact nonetheless.

But don’t let those very few prevent you from making an effort to turn an unfriendly relationship into a productive one.

Hating Isn’t Good For Anyone

Steve Keating 4 Comments

I have more followers than most people on the social media platform now known as X. I use it to post leadership content, motivation, and sales tips. On Saturdays, I post weird little “Fun Facts.”

Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, I’ll even post a comment about a current event in the news. That was the case a few days ago when the current occupant of the White House announced he would no longer be seeking reelection.

I simply wondered in a post if anyone had yet told the President that he wasn’t still running for reelection. Seemed like kind of a fun little light-hearted question to me. But of course I was wrong about that. It was neither fun nor light-hearted to many of the people who follow me.

Now, I’m 100% okay with people expressing different opinions from mine. I understand that there are a whole lot of people who, because of varying life experiences, think differently than I do. I appreciate their opinions and their willingness to share them.

What I struggle with is the level of hate that comes with some of their opinions. The personal attacks on me do not strengthen their viewpoint in any way. Many of them literally hate anyone who disagrees with them and are willing to express it. People who follow me on X expressed a level of hate for me personally that I was shocking. It was suggested that I eat… well that I eat stuff that humans don’t normally eat. I was advised to do things that are, as far as I know, anatomically impossible.

It was one short sentence, and the hate just came pouring out.

By the way, I don’t think that has anything to do with which political party they might be a part of. I’ve occasionally taken a fun little jab at former President Trump and received similar results.

The level of hate in the world today makes it virtually impossible to make progress… on anything.

By the way again, this isn’t only a problem in the United States; this is a problem pretty much everywhere.

Until “we the people” learn how to return to a time when civil discourse is again possible, there will be no reason for the people we elect to do so either.

Abraham Lincoln once famously said, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” He knew that much of the dislike we have for people comes from simply not understanding them. Their “crazy” viewpoints are a product of their life experiences. If we understand their life experiences, their viewpoints won’t seem so crazy after all.

But that understanding takes effort and unfortunately, today, it seems like it’s just easier to hate than to understand. But hate robs the hater of so many of life’s pleasures. It destroys attitudes, it negatively impacts relationships, even with those we love. Nothing, nothing, nothing good comes from hating, and we all know that. Yet we hate.

So maybe you and I can work together to do something about that. We’ll likely never eliminate hate, even from our own lives, but perhaps we can dial it down a bit. Here are a handful of ideas to help manage and reduce feelings of hate.

1. Self-Awareness

• Identify Triggers: Recognize what specifically triggers your feelings of hate. Understanding the root cause can help you address it more effectively.

• Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness techniques to become aware of your emotions as they arise. This can help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

2. Cognitive Techniques

• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Analyze and question the validity of your negative thoughts. Are they based on facts or assumptions? Reframe them in a more positive or neutral light.

• Perspective-Taking: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Understanding their motivations and struggles can reduce feelings of animosity.

3. Emotional Control

• Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing can help calm your mind and body, reducing intense emotions.

• Physical Activity: Exercise can be an effective way to release built-up tension and stress.

4. Communication

• Express Yourself: Find healthy ways to express your feelings, whether through talking to a trusted friend or writing in a journal.

• Constructive Dialogue: Engage in open and respectful conversations with those you have conflicts with. Aim to understand and resolve differences rather than to win arguments.

5. Empathy and Compassion

• Practice Empathy: Actively try to understand and share the feelings of others. This can build a sense of connection and reduce feelings of hatred.

• Acts of Kindness: Engaging in acts of kindness towards others can shift your focus from negative emotions to positive actions.

6. Self-Care

• Healthy Lifestyle: Ensure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and taking care of your physical health. A healthy body can support a healthy mind.

• Relaxation Techniques: Engage in activities that promote relaxation and well-being, such as meditation or hobbies you enjoy.

7. Forgiveness

• Forgive: Forgiving others doesn’t mean condoning their actions, but rather freeing yourself from the burden of carrying negative emotions.

8. Boundaries

• Set Boundaries: Protect yourself from situations or people that continuously provoke feelings of hate. It’s okay, and in fact, necessary to distance yourself from toxic environments.

9. Education and Awareness

• Educate Yourself: Learning about the underlying causes of hate and prejudice, such as cultural, social, or psychological factors, can increase your understanding and reduce your own biases. And by the way, if you’re like me, some of your biases may be subconscious. So consider that possibility as well.

I don’t want anyone to feel as if they can’t fully express themselves. I’m just hoping we can get a few more people to understand that insulting people with different opinions doesn’t make their arguments stronger. It doesn’t help them feel better about themselves; it might in the moment, but in your quiet moments, tearing someone else down catches up to you.

These ideas can help you gain better control over your feelings of hate. They will help you cultivate a more positive and compassionate outlook on life. You may even be able to persuade people to your way of thinking. You may even discover a new way of thinking for yourself.

Or, you may agree to disagree. But you’ll be doing it in a way where no one loses their self-respect. Now wouldn’t that be something!