Tag Difficult People

Associating With People You Just Don’t Like

Steve Keating Leave a comment

President Abraham Lincoln once said of a person, “I do not like that man; I must get to know him better.”

Lincoln knew that actually knowing, and then understanding a person, would make it much less likely that you would not like them. These days, we often make snap judgments about people. We base them on little information. Then hold on to that opinion, virtually forever.

We then tend to avoid those people as much as possible. The challenge with that, of course, is that it limits our ability to expand our own horizons. When we associate only with people who we like, we limit ourselves. The most likely reason we like them is because they are a lot like us. They think like us, they talk like us, they might even dress like us. They know and believe the same things we do.

That’s great except it’s unlikely that they will be able to help us grow. Growth most often comes when we are uncomfortable. Associating with people who are different from us, people we may not like, makes us uncomfortable. That’s why we tend to avoid them.

But truly, having the opportunity to reach our full potential most often requires being uncomfortable on a regular basis. That includes associating with people we would rather stay away from.

Associating with and even actually getting along with people you don’t naturally click with can be challenging. But it’s a valuable skill for both personal and professional settings. Here are some ideas to help you build that skill.

Adjust Your Perspective
Try not to focus on the traits you dislike. Instead, find something to appreciate in them, no matter how small. This shift can help you see them in a more neutral, less emotionally charged way.

Empathy and Understanding
Sometimes people act in ways that reflect their own challenges, insecurities, or past experiences. Imagining the world from their perspective can help you see where they’re coming from and reduce frustration.

Set Clear Boundaries
You don’t need to become close with people you don’t like. Maintain clear, respectful boundaries so you have control over the level and type of interactions you have with them.

Focus on the Task, Not the Person
If you’re working together, focus on the objective instead of the relationship. This can help keep things professional and ensure that you accomplish what needs to be done without getting sidetracked by personal feelings.

Limit Reactivity
Avoid reacting emotionally to things that bother you. Take a deep breath, pause, and remind yourself not to take things personally. Staying calm and neutral can defuse tension and prevent situations from escalating.

Practice Patience and Tolerance
Remind yourself that you don’t have to agree with someone to be polite and civil. Tolerance can allow you to engage without emotionally investing in their quirks or irritating habits.

Keep Interactions Short and Purposeful
If you really struggle to be around someone, limit the duration and scope of your interactions. Stick to the essentials, and give yourself space to recharge afterward.

Communicate Directly but Respectfully
If there’s a specific behavior causing conflict, address it with kindness. Speak in “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory and focus on how their actions affect your needs or goals rather than criticizing them directly.

Develop a Sense of Humor
Laughing things off or seeing the humor in a situation can help lighten the mood and make interactions feel less strained. Just be careful to avoid humor that could come across as mocking or sarcastic.

Focus on Self-Improvement
Difficult interactions can actually be opportunities to work on your own patience, empathy, and communication skills. View these interactions as a chance to grow and improve.

Generally speaking, I think it’s worth the effort to try and at least develop a professional relationship, even with people who you could never be friendly with. But there are exceptions. Some people, I hope a very few, are just too morally bankrupt to invest time and effort with. That’s a sad fact but a fact nonetheless.

But don’t let those very few prevent you from making an effort to turn an unfriendly relationship into a productive one.

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Leading Difficult People

Steve Keating Leave a comment

If leadership was easy then everybody would be doing it. The fact is, leadership is not easy. It’s not easy because leadership is about people. People come in all shapes and sizes. They bring with them all kinds of backgrounds and upbringings. They carry with them past experiences, good and bad. Sometimes they even bring with them a chip, one they carry on their shoulder. Those “chips” can make them a unique challenge to lead.

But leading difficult people is part of the package a leader accepts. Leading difficult people can be a challenging but essential skill for effective leadership. Whether you’re leading a team or working on a project, dealing with difficult individuals is a not an uncommon occurrence.

But nearly everyone can be led to success if the leader is willing to hang in there with them. Here are some ideas to help you hang.

• Start by trying to understand the difficult person’s point of view. Ask questions and actively listen to their concerns and motivations. Often, people become difficult when they feel unheard or undervalued. Empathy is a powerful tool for building rapport.

• When dealing with difficult people, it’s important to maintain your composure. Don’t let their behavior provoke you into a reaction that you might regret. Take a deep breath, stay patient, and remain level-headed.

• Clearly communicate your expectations for their behavior and performance. Make sure they understand their role and responsibilities, as well as the consequences of not meeting those expectations.

• Consistency in your actions and responses is key. Make sure you treat all team members fairly and equally. This helps prevent any perceived favoritism or bias that can lead to conflict.

• If a difficult person’s behavior is disruptive or problematic, address the issues in private rather than in a public setting. This allows them to save face and reduces the chances of escalation.

• Provide feedback that is specific, objective, and focused on behavior or actions rather than personal characteristics. Use the “I” statements approach to express your feelings and concerns. For example, say, “I felt frustrated when you missed the deadline” rather than, “You’re always late.”

• Clearly define the boundaries for acceptable behavior within the team or organization. Enforce those boundaries consistently and fairly.

• Look for areas of common interest or shared goals and use them to build rapport. Finding common ground can help bridge gaps between difficult individuals and the team.

• Encourage difficult individuals to develop their skills and work on self-improvement. Offer training, coaching, or resources to help them grow and address their problem areas. Make their faults seem easy to correct.

• If necessary, involve HR or a higher-level manager to help mediate or address more serious issues. They can provide guidance, support, or disciplinary action if required.

• Keep records of problematic behavior and interactions, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be helpful if you need to escalate the issue or if it becomes a pattern of behavior.

• Sometimes, a person may be difficult due to external factors such as personal problems, stress, or health issues. Consider the context and be open to offering support or accommodations when appropriate.

• Changing behavior or attitudes can take time. Be patient, but also be persistent in your efforts to lead and difficult individuals effectively.

The sad reality is that not all difficult people can be transformed, and some may need to be led differently. In extreme cases, they may need to be removed from the team or organization to maintain a healthy working environment. Your approach should depend on the specific situation and the impact of the individual’s behavior on the team’s overall performance and well-being.

Redirecting someone to another organization or another role is not the most rewarding part of leadership but it is a mighty important one. Ignoring a difficult team member and hoping they will improve or simply “go away” is not leading.

If you’ve accepted a leadership position then it is imperative that you Lead…Today!

When “they” Ain’t the Boss but Neither are You

Steve Keating Leave a comment

I like people who understand what being a leader actually means and yet they still want to be a leader. Those people are willing to invest a part of themselves in helping other people grow and succeed. While they may make a living by leading, their primary goal is to make a difference. A difference in their organization, I should add a positive difference, but even more importantly, a positive difference in the lives of the people they lead. 

I’m much less fond of people who merely want to be a boss. You know, those people who want power and control over other people. They often have oversized egos and most everything they do they do with an eye towards how it will benefit them. Those people are hard to work for but it’s even worse working with them. That’s because even though they have no real authority, or often, no ability, they act as if they do. 

They frequently try to bully people into doing what they tell them to do. They insinuate that “one day” they will be the boss and they will remember who did what they were told and especially remember those who didn’t. The veiled threat is intended to coerce compliance and often, it works. 

Working with people who think they are the boss but aren’t can be downright maddening. But unfortunately it happens so it’s essential to find effective ways to navigate the situation professionally. Here are a few ideas to work in that environment without looking uncooperative, resistant and less than a team player.

  • Regardless of their behavior, treat them with respect and professionalism. Avoid engaging in power struggles or arguments, as this can escalate tensions.
  • Try to understand why they may feel the need to assert authority. They might be compensating for insecurities or trying to gain recognition. Empathy can help you approach the situation more constructively.
  • While being respectful, assert yourself when necessary. Be confident in expressing your thoughts and ideas, and never let their behavior undermine your own sense of worth.
  • Clearly define your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion. Politely but firmly remind them of your position and authority when they overstep their bounds.
  • If you face ongoing issues, consult your actual supervisor or even a higher authority in the organization. Explain the situation calmly, focusing on how it affects your work and the team dynamic.
  • Avoid confrontations in public or heated environments. Find a private setting where you can discuss the situation calmly and rationally.
  • Emphasize that everyone’s objective is to work toward the success of the team or project. Redirect the focus on achieving the best outcomes rather than power dynamics.
  • Collaborate with other team members and colleagues who may be experiencing similar challenges. Unity can create a supportive environment that challenges inappropriate behavior. But remember, “collaborating” doesn’t mean whisper campaigns full of complaining and rumors. If your collaboration doesn’t include solutions to the problem then you’re likely not helping anyone. 
  • Keep a record of any problematic encounters or instances where the individual oversteps boundaries. This documentation can be useful if you need to escalate the issue later.
  • In severe cases, involve a neutral third party or HR representative to mediate the situation and find a resolution. Don’t think for a minute that this is a gutless solution. These “bosses who aren’t bosses” can be a cancer in an organization and there’s no need for you to play Don Quixote and try to “fix” the situation on your own. 
  • Demonstrate leadership qualities in your own actions and decisions. Be someone others can look up to, irrespective of their perceived authority.
  • Use the situation as an opportunity for personal development. Learn from the experience and find ways to improve your own communication and conflict resolution skills.

People regularly can and do lead without a position of authority. They use influence, not coercion to lead people in a constructive and positive manner. They have the best interests of other people at the heart of everything they do. If you’re wondering in you’re being led by a leader without a position of leadership just ask yourself “what’s in it for them?” If nothing comes to mind they are likely leading.

If you’re wondering if you’re being bossed by a “boss who ain’t a boss” ask yourself the same question. It should take about a second to develop a list of everything that’s in it for them. And helping others is very unlikely to be on your list.

Remember that working with challenging personalities is part of professional life. Maintaining your composure and professionalism is crucial for your own well-being and career advancement. Never surrender control of your attitude or professionalism to a less professional person. Because it’s those two attributes that will eventually help you persevere.

Want more of LeadToday? I’ve changed things up on my Twitter feed for subscribers. I recently began publishing two or three videos each week focusing on an element of Authentic Leadership. I’ll post these videos each Tuesday and Thursday morning. Sometimes a bonus video pops up at other times during the week. They will be about 10 minutes long so we can get into the topic in a more meaningful way. The investment for subscribers in still only $4.99 a month. That’s for at least 80 MINUTES of quality video content on leadership a month.

If you’re interested in taking a look, head on over to my Twitter profile page. If you’re not a follower yet just hit the follow button. It will change to a subscribe button and once you hit that you’re on your way. You can cancel at any time you’ve decided you have nothing left to learn about leading the people who you count on for your success.

Here’s the link to my Twitter… https://twitter.com/leadtoday