Tag Dealing with Conflict

How to Handle Conflict Effectively

Steve Keating Leave a comment

So… there are indeed some people who seem to enjoy conflict. Sometimes they are contrarians, always taking the other side, if for no other reason than to get under your skin. I don’t really concern myself with dealing with that type of conflict; I just let those people argue with themselves. And believe me, if they don’t have someone else to argue with, they really will argue with themselves.

I am, however, very interested in handling what I would call “sincere conflict.” That’s conflict where two sides have opposing views, and they both really believe in their point of view.

My number one goal in handling conflict is to protect both my self-respect AND the other person’s self-respect. I hope that’s your goal as well because you may be able to “win” an argument, but if your winning costs someone their self-respect, your victory is as hollow as can be.

Handling conflict effectively requires a thoughtful approach to ensure that the issue is resolved constructively, fairly, and with finality. Here are some steps you can follow to make that happen.

1. Stay Calm and Composed

Avoid reacting emotionally: Take a moment to breathe and gather your thoughts before responding. This is a time when it’s essential to put your brain into action before your mouth.

Maintain a calm tone and body language to prevent escalating tensions. Remember, how you say something can be just as important as the thing you say.

2. Understand the Root Cause

Listen actively: Allow the other party to express their perspective fully without interruptions. Listen with the goal of understanding, not just responding.

Ask questions: Clarify any misunderstandings to ensure you understand the core issue. You share equal responsibility for the successful exchange of information. So make certain you know exactly what was said before responding.

3. Communicate Respectfully

Use “I” statements: Frame your concerns in terms of how you feel, rather than accusing the other person (e.g., “I feel concerned when deadlines are missed” vs. “You never meet deadlines”).

Avoid blaming or name-calling, which can worsen the conflict.

Don’t say “never,” “always,” or “constantly” unless those words truly apply. Making a problem bigger than it is will prove to be a very ineffective method of handling conflict.

4. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person

Separate the issue from the individual to avoid personal attacks.

Keep the discussion centered on solving the problem rather than assigning blame.

Again, choose your words wisely; do not make a mountain out of a molehill.

5. Acknowledge Emotions

Recognize and validate the emotions involved, even if you don’t agree with the other person’s perspective.

Saying something like, “I understand why you feel this way,” can defuse tension.

6. Collaborate on Solutions

Brainstorm potential solutions together and evaluate them openly.

Strive for a win-win outcome where both parties feel their needs are acknowledged and addressed. Once the other person feels you’re working with them, the emotional “tone” of the conversation calms down a lot.

7. Know When to Involve a Mediator

If the conflict cannot be resolved through direct discussion, involve a neutral third party to facilitate communication.

Mediators can help ensure both sides are heard and guide the discussion toward resolution. Your mediator doesn’t have to be professionally trained to help. They should, however, be someone both parties trust and someone who possesses a high level of common sense.

8. Follow Up

Check in with the other person after the conflict has been addressed to ensure that the resolution is working.

Reaffirm your commitment to maintaining a positive relationship.

Do not assume that because you think the conflict is handled that the other person thinks so too. Verify that you’re both of the same mind and if you’re not then back up a bit and “redo” whatever steps in this process will get you BOTH to where you need to be.

Additional Tips:

Choose the right time and place: Address the conflict in a private and neutral setting, not in the heat of the moment or in public.

Focus on facts, not assumptions: Base the discussion on objective facts rather than subjective interpretations or assumptions.

Practice empathy: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective to build understanding.

Conflict doesn’t have to mean war. In fact, conflict, when handled effectively, can actually strengthen relationships. Your level of success in handling conflicts will most often be determined by your mindset. If your only goal is to win and prove the other person wrong, then you’re most likely to do neither.

If you want to find common ground and a good outcome, you can resolve the conflict and build a stronger relationship. The choice, as always, is yours to make.

The Importance of Conflict Resolution Skills

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Most people would tell you that conflict resolution skills are essential for all leaders. I absolutely agree with that. Authentic Leaders meet conflicts head on. They don’t avoid them, they work through them to build consensus in a way that is people valuing and face-saving.

For those Authentic Leaders conflict resolution skills are vital.

But most people in leadership positions are not Authentic Leaders. They count on their title and position to do the heavy lifting of leadership for them. Many of them remain in leadership positions for years never learning what Authentic Leadership looks like.

For those leaders few things are less important than conflict resolution skills. That’s because they avoid conflicts like the plague.

Most of those leaders would say they avoid conflict because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. They would say their relationship with their people is more important than dealing with conflicts. Some would say they do indeed deal with conflict but only when “the time is right.” The problem for those leaders is that they never find the right time.

What those leaders won’t tell you is that one big reason they refuse to engage in a conflict is because they lack the courage and the compassion to do so. Another reason is that they believe that have only two choices when it comes to conflict. Those choices are fight or flight.

Nearly 100% of the time they choose flight. The see any conflict as a potential fight and they want none of it. What these weaker leaders need to understand is that an Authentic Leader does not allow a conflict to become a fight. So they have no need for flight.

Authentic Leaders dislike conflict as much as anyone. That’s precisely the reason they meet the challenge of conflict head on… so that they can get rid of it. So that they and their people can learn from it. So that they and their people can grow closer because of it. So that it doesn’t simmer under the surface and undermine the morale of the conflicted parties and of all the people around them as well.

The reality is that no one actually avoids conflicts, but some people do attempt to live with them. But left unsettled conflict is an untreated cancer on both organizations and relationships.

If you’re serious about resolving conflicts you will listen far more than you talk. If your responses include any variation “yes but” it may indicate that you’re being defensive. We don’t listen very well when our defenses are up. So check yourself to be certain you’re willing to have your opinion changed. Authentic Leaders know that they can be wrong about pretty much anything, just like everyone else.

To effectively resolve any conflict leave your “blame game” at home. The original cause of a conflict is less important than the lasting resolution. When you place blame on people you cause them to disengage. All parties to a conflict MUST be part of the solution. Before you engage in conflict resolution ask yourself what your goal is… do you want to place blame or do you want to resolve the conflict.

It goes without saying that only one of those goals is productive. Authentic Leaders know which one.

Authentic Leaders are willing to compromise to find lasting solutions to conflicts. They demonstrate that while they may be passionate about their own point of view they value workable resolutions over “winning.” They in fact understand that “winning” requires all sides be able to resolve the conflict with their self-respect intact.

Authentic Leaders with excellent conflict resolution skills do not forget the importance of relationships. They realize that how they make the other people feel is just as important as the eventual resolution. That “feeling” will likely outlast the resolution. It will also impact, either positively and negatively, any attempts to resolve future conflicts.

No matter how fast and far you run you should know that the conflict you’re running from will be waiting for you when you get there. So don’t run. The sooner you deal with the conflict the sooner you can return to building healthy and productive relationships with your people.

That makes the effort required to successfully resolve conflicts well worth it.