Tag Communication Skills

The Trouble With I

Steve Keating 8 Comments

Abraham Lincoln, who served as the 16th President of the United States was known as a man who seldom used the word I. He had the ability to give entire speeches without using that one letter word.

There was a more recent President of the United States who used the word I over 200 times in a relatively short speech. Surprising new research from the University of Texas suggests that people who often say “I” are less powerful and less sure of themselves than those who limit their use of the word. Frequent “I” users subconsciously believe they are subordinate to the person to whom they are talking.

Using the word “I” excessively in speech or writing can also reveal a few other things about someone. It may suggest a self-centered or egocentric perspective, a lack of consideration for others’ viewpoints, or a tendency to dominate conversations.

Here’s the point: over using the word I is not good. It makes you seem very self-centered. It makes you sound like a jerk. It is not an effective way to communicate. It turns people off.

A leader who is constantly using “I” as in “I want” or “I need” or “I expect” is likely doing great harm to the morale of their team. They are in fact tearing at the fabric of the team. Not intentionally mind you, but they are damaging the team nonetheless.

Let me give you a recent example. I was on a call with a sales team and there were some tactics they needed to be executed on in a short period of time. The sales manager laid out a laundry list of things “he” needed his team to do. It was a long list of “I” need everyone doing this and “I” need everyone doing that. “I” want this level of effort and the only reason you need for doing any of that is “I want” it done.

It was a teams call so I could see the demoralized faces of the team.

After the call I suggested to the sales manager that the call may have gone better if he had just replaced each “I” with “we”. For example, “we have some ground to make up.” “We need to pull together.” “We need to do this and we need to do that.” “We need to do it together, for each other, because it’s how a true team functions.”

The sales manager was undeterred. He not so politely told me “the team” belonged to him. It’s not their team, “it’s mine.” I knew from previous conversations that this manager was basically uncoachable but I gave it a shot because the overuse of “I” in his conversations was so immensely glaring.

But maybe you’re more open to coaching and would like your conversations to be more inclusive and collaborative. The kind of conversations where both parties feel heard and valued. To do that you’ll need to limit your use of the word “I.”

If that sounds like you then here are a few quick ideas that may help.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of starting sentences with “I think” or “I feel,” ask questions that encourage the other person to share their thoughts and experiences.

• Use Statements: Instead of saying “I believe,” state your opinion or perspective without explicitly referring to yourself. For example, say “This seems to be a good approach” instead of “I believe this is a good approach.”

• Active Listening: Show that you’re engaged in the conversation by actively listening to the other person. Respond to what they say rather than steering the conversation back to yourself.

• Empathize: When expressing understanding or empathy, focus on the other person’s feelings or experiences. For instance, say “It must be challenging for you” instead of “I understand how you feel.”

• Share Experiences Tactfully: If you need to share your experiences, do so in a way that is relevant and adds value to the conversation. Avoid dominating the discussion with personal anecdotes.

• Use “We” or “You” Instead: Instead of saying “I think we should,” consider using “Maybe we could” or “Have you considered?” This shifts the focus from your perspective to a collaborative or the other person’s viewpoint.

• Be Mindful of Tone: Pay attention to your tone to avoid sounding self-centered. Be open and inclusive in your language.

While it’s natural to use “I” at times, be conscious of overusing it. Balance your statements with a mix of inclusive language. It’ll help keep you from sounding like a jerk.

Remember, the goal is to foster a more collaborative and open conversation where both parties feel heard and valued.

How to Communicate More Effectively

Steve Keating 2 Comments

There are so many challenges in life that have their origins tied to poor communication that it would be almost impossible to list them all. Wars have literally been started as the result of miscommunication. Relationships have ended and businesses destroyed by misunderstandings caused by poor communication skills.

If you only have the opportunity to develop one skill then 100% of the time I’d recommend that skill be communication. Absent effective communication you will also struggle to make a meaningful connection with other people. Every relationship you have will be stronger when you improve your communication skills.

Like all skills if you stop working to further develop your communication skills they begin to decline. So even if you believe yourself to be an excellent communicator today that’s no guarantee you’ll continue to be an effective communicator tomorrow… unless you continue to hone your skills.

Here are some key principles and tips to help you communicate more effectively.

Active Listening

• We can’t discuss communication without beginning with a look at listening. ALL successful communication begins with focused listening. Pay full attention to the speaker, listen as if at that moment they are the most important person in the world because in the moment they are speaking to you, they are.

• Never interrupt the person speaking with you and do not begin formulating your response until AFTER they have finished speaking. It’s okay to have a moment of silence while you contemplate your response. A thoughtful response is always better than a fast one.

• “Show” your listening skills through non-verbal cues like nodding and maintaining eye contact.

• Summarize or paraphrase what the speaker has said to ensure understanding.

Clarity and Conciseness

• Be clear and concise in your communication.

• Avoid unnecessary jargon or complicated language, especially if your audience may not be familiar with it. Don’t use a bigger word than necessary to get your message across. It’s far more important to be smart than to sound smart.

• Organize your thoughts and choose your words BEFORE speaking or writing to ensure a logical flow.

Body Language

• Non-verbal cues such as facial expressions, gestures, and posture can convey a lot.

• Be aware of your own body language and try to interpret others’ cues accurately.

Empathy

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspective. Listen for common ground and try to avoid rejecting their message before they are even done presenting it.

• Acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree.

Feedback

• Provide constructive feedback when necessary, focusing on specific behaviors or actions rather than making personal attacks.

• Be open to receiving feedback and use it as an opportunity for growth. Never simply reject the feedback as wrong or destructive criticism. Remember, an open mind communicates more effectively than a closed mind in every instance.

Be Aware of Tone

• The tone of your voice or the tone conveyed in written communication can significantly impact the message. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask if you were them, how would you receive the message and change your tone if required.

• If the conversation is emotional in nature then adjust your tone to be as empathetic as possible. Remember, it’s your responsibility to make your message easy to hear and understand.

Choose the Right Medium

• Different situations may call for different communication mediums (e.g., face-to-face, email, phone, video call). Don’t “chicken out” and deliver bad news via text or email. Put your grown up pants on and either call the person or deliver the message face-to-face.

Ask Questions

• Seek clarification when needed by asking open-ended questions. This shows interest and helps ensure that you’ve understood the message correctly. If your goal is to truly be an effective communicator then you must accept responsibility for the clarity of both sides of the communication. You must be certain what you said was understood and you must make certain you understand what the other person said.

Remember that effective communication is a skill that can be developed over time. By incorporating these principles into your interactions, you can enhance your ability to communicate more effectively and build stronger connections with others. You’ll avoid misunderstandings, arguments and lost productivity.

Almost every part of your life will be better when you make the effort to communicate effectively. But as with all parts of life, the choice to do so is completely up to you.

How to be a More Effective Public Speaker

Steve Keating Leave a comment

Becoming a better public speaker is a skill that can be developed and refined over time. It takes work but the effort required is worth it in a myriad of ways. Improving your public speaking skills can make you a better communicator, boost your confidence, and help you connect with others.  Here are some tips and strategies to help you become a better public speaker and communicator.

• Practice: The most crucial step in improving your public speaking skills is to practice regularly. Rehearse your presentation multiple times to become more comfortable with the material and your delivery.

• Know your audience: Understand who you will be speaking to and tailor your message to their needs and interests. This will help you connect with your audience on a more personal level.

• Organize your content: Structure your speech or presentation logically, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Use transitions to guide your audience through your content.

• Start with a strong opening: Begin your speech with an attention-grabbing introduction. You can use a quote, a story, a surprising fact, or a thought-provoking question to engage your audience from the start.

• Use visual aids: Visual aids, such as slides, can help clarify complex ideas and make your presentation more engaging. Just be sure not to overload your slides with text and avoid reading them word for word. Your slides support your presentation, they are not your presentation. Never turn your back on your audience to read your slides cause when you turn back around they may be gone.

• Practice good body language: Pay attention to your posture, gestures, and facial expressions. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and use your body language to convey confidence and enthusiasm.

• Control your voice: Speak clearly and at a moderate pace. Vary your tone, pitch, and volume to keep your audience’s attention. Avoid speaking too fast or too softly.

• Eliminate filler words: Minimize the use of “um,” “uh,” “like,” and other filler words. Practice pausing instead of using filler words, as this can make your speech sound more confident and polished.

• Know your material: Become an expert on the topic you are speaking about. This will boost your confidence and allow you to handle questions and challenges more effectively. Here’s the reality of public speaking. If you know what you’re talking about you have no need to be nervous. If you don’t know what you’re talking about you have no need to be speaking.

• Engage the audience: Encourage interaction by asking questions, sharing anecdotes, and involving the audience in your presentation. This can make your presentation more interactive and relatable.

• Seek feedback: Record your speeches or presentations and review them to identify areas for improvement. You can also ask for feedback from trusted friends, mentors, or colleagues.

• Learn from others: Watch and learn from skilled public speakers. Analyze their techniques and adapt them to your style.

• Keep learning: Public speaking is a lifelong learning process. Stay updated on effective communication strategies and continually work on enhancing your skills.

Remember that becoming a better public speaker takes time and practice. Don’t get discouraged by occasional setbacks, and keep working on your skills to become a more confident and effective communicator.

Becoming a Listener Who Actually Listens

Steve Keating 2 Comments

For many years I sold the Dale Carnegie Course on Effective Communications and Human Relations. Many of the people who enrolled in that course wanted to be better speakers and presenters. I reminded them that there was a lot more to being a better presenter than just speaking well. I often got the sense that they weren’t listening to me.

And that was going to create huge challenges for them in becoming an effective presenter. It would also greatly hinder their chances of being an effective communicator. Here’s the reality in today’s world…most people simply don’t listen. They already know enough. Their mind is already made up. They have no desire to have their thinking muddled up with facts.

So instead of actually communicating with someone they try to “out talk” them. Actual communication requires a great deal of listening. That’s a challenge for people because listening often requires a gap in the conversation. People think that pausing the conversation for a few seconds to linger upon the words of the speaker makes them seem stupid.

That causes people to be thinking about their response before the other person is done speaking. YOU CANNOT FULLY LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR RESPONSE IS GOING TO BE.

Truly effective communicators are willing to risk looking stupid so that they can actually be smart.

Listening is literally two-thirds of effective communication. So let’s talk about listening.

Being a better listener is a valuable skill that can improve your relationships, communication, and understanding of others. Here are some ideas on how to become a better listener.

• When someone is speaking to you, make a conscious effort to focus on what they are saying.

• Eliminate distractions, put away your phone, and create a quiet, conducive environment for the conversation.

• Eye contact conveys that you are engaged and interested in the conversation.

• It also helps you read the speaker’s non-verbal cues and emotions.

• Allow the speaker to finish their thoughts before responding.

• Interrupting can be seen as disrespectful and disrupts the flow of the conversation.

• Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and emotions.

• Use verbal and non-verbal cues, such as nodding and facial expressions, to show that you are empathetic.

• Position your body in a way that is open and welcoming, signaling your receptiveness to the speaker.

• Avoid crossed arms, which can appear defensive.

• Reflect back what the speaker is saying to confirm your understanding.

• Use phrases like, “So, what I’m hearing is…” or “If I understand correctly…”

• If something is unclear or you need more information, ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to elaborate.

• Suspend judgment and preconceived notions about the speaker or their topic.

• Be open to different perspectives and experiences.

• Let the speaker take their time to express themselves fully.

• Avoid rushing the conversation or finishing their sentences.

• Stay in the moment and avoid thinking about your response while the other person is speaking.

• This can help you fully absorb the information and respond more thoughtfully.

• Keep your emotions in check and remain calm during the conversation.

• If you become emotional, it can be challenging to listen effectively.

• After the conversation, follow up on any commitments or promises you made during the discussion.

• This shows that you take the conversation seriously and are reliable.

• Ask for feedback from the speaker on how well you listened.

• Use this feedback to improve your listening skills further.

It is no coincidence that the most successful people are often also the most effective listeners. That success transcends business to positively impact every area of their lives. Becoming a better listener is an ongoing process that requires practice and self-awareness. By consistently applying these ideas, you can improve your listening skills and build stronger, more meaningful relationships with others…in business and in life.

Why Listening Well is Such a Big Deal

Steve Keating 3 Comments

People who listen well do well. They do well in most every area of their life. They do especially well in their relationships. Whether it’s professional or personal relationships you’ll be more approachable when you make the effort to listen to others intently. 

Here are some ways that listening well can help build and maintain relationships.

When you listen well, it shows the other person that you care about their thoughts and feelings. This can help build trust in the relationship, as the other person feels heard and understood. Many times when someone asks for help the only “help” they need is for someone to listen to them. Really listen. 

That’s why focused, active listening is often one of the kindest things you can do for someone. All it takes is an open heart, a good ear, and an investment of time. 

Good listening skills can help prevent misunderstandings by ensuring that you have a clear understanding of what the other person is saying. This can help you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on incomplete information. If your reply to what another person says is “yes but” then it’s likely you weren’t completely listening to them. It’s probable that you were at least partially planning your reply while they were still talking.

Listening well requires you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see things from their perspective. This can enhance your empathy for them and help you better understand their feelings and experiences. Empathy is a skill that can be developed through practice. Empathy is vital to relationships with people who are different than you because once you understand their emotions and life experiences you’ll find you have far less need to judge them. 

Active listening is an effective tool for resolving conflicts. It allows both parties to express their feelings and concerns in a supportive environment. By listening well, you can work together to find common ground and come up with solutions that meet everyone’s needs.

Good listening skills help deepen your connection with the other person. It shows them that you value their thoughts and feelings. This can lead to a stronger and more meaningful relationship over time.

We all know that listening well is an essential skill for building and maintaining healthy relationships. By taking the time to truly listen to others, you can build trust. You reduce misunderstandings. You enhance empathy. You resolve conflicts, and even stop them before they start. You strengthen your connections with others in very significant ways.

Listening is a skill you can develop over time. Funny thing is, it’s a very challenging skill to learn while holding a cell phone in your hand. It’s almost like a cell phone is Kryptonite to listening skills. So the first two steps to become a better listener are one, find the off button on your cell phone. Two, use it. 

Not only will you be a better listener, you’ll be amazed at how many other positive differences that will make in your life too.

Want more of LeadToday? I’m changing things up on my Twitter feed for subscribers. On March 2nd I began publishing two videos each week focusing on an element of Authentic Leadership. I’ll post these videos each Tuesday and Thursday morning. They will be about 10 minutes long so we can get into the topic in a more meaningful way. The investment for subscribers in still only $5 a month. That’s for at least 80 MINUTES of quality video content on leadership a month. 

If you’re interested in taking a look head on over to my Twitter profile page. If you’re not a follower yet just hit the follow button. It will change to a subscribe button and once you hit that you’re on your way. You can cancel at any time you’ve decided you have nothing left to learn about leading the people who you count on for your success. 🙂

Here’s the link to my Twitter… https://twitter.com/leadtoday 

The Forgotten Part of Communication 

Steve Keating 2 Comments

Authentic Leaders know that they lead by example. Lesser leaders lead by example too, it’s just that they frequently don’t realize it. Both Authentic and lesser leaders know that effective communication is an essential tool of leadership. The difference is, Authentic Leaders talk with the people they lead and lesser leaders talk to the people they try to lead. 

Many leaders also often forget that communication is made up of three parts. Talking and listening are the first two parts. Authentic Leaders listen at least as much as they talk. Lesser Leaders usually talk a lot more than they listen. 

But it’s the third part of communication that is most often forgotten by both Authentic and Lesser Leaders. What separates the two groups is that Authentic Leaders forget the third leg of effective communication less than other leaders. 

The third leg of effective communication is action. As in, “walking your talk.” 

So let me ask you this. Do your actions match the words that come out of your mouth? Do you expect your people to do as you say? If you do, and your words and actions don’t match, you’ll have a very difficult time ever gaining the commitment of your people. That’s important because absent that commitment you will be unable to ever get your people to fully follow you. 

It is vital if you hope to effectively lead that you understand this basic fact of leadership. Your people will do what you do 10,000 times faster than they will do what you say. When you say something to the people you lead then you have completed part one of the communication process. When your people hear what you have said (Authentic Leaders by the way, verify with their people that what they said was what their people heard) then part two has been completed. That’s where many leaders stop. They forget about part three. 

After your people hear what you said they begin “listening” with their eyes. They want to see if what you said is what you do. They want to see if your actions match the actions you asked them to take. They what to see if the policies you just asked them to follow will also be followed by you. 

What they see after listening has much more impact than what they heard while listening. 

When there is a gap between what was heard and what was seen there will be a corresponding gap in the credibility of the leader. That gap separates a leader from the people they are trying to lead. That lack of credibility in one area causes gaps of credible in every area. 

That’s why it is so vital that anyone hoping to be an Authentic Leader realize that there are three parts to the communication process. The part most often forgotten may be the most important one. 

If you want to earn the right to Authentically Lead and the commitment of your people that comes with that right, then your words and actions much match. It’s as simple as that. It’s as challenging as that. 

If you have the discipline to match your words with actions then you have the discipline to change the lives of the people you lead in a very positive way. So before you say something have a plan for how you’ll “show” the same thing. 

On a another note… Everyone can use a “nudge” towards success. I’m trying something new on Twitter. It’s called “Super Followers.” For $5 a month, that’s 17 cents a day, people can follow a part of my Twitter stream that is for subscribers only. It features short videos of me discussing leadership topics, sales tips and ideas for better overall relationships. I’m assuming there will be far fewer Super Followers than the million or so people who regularly follow me on Twitter. That will give me the opportunity to answer questions more throughly than I can on regular Twitter. Most of the answers will come in the evening cause we all have day jobs, right? Think of it as ”mentoring on demand!”

My goal with SuperFollowers is to build a better connection, one where I can help more and have a greater impact. I’m hoping it gives me a chance to mentor to a wider audience. It’s still new, we’ll see how it works. It’s a $5 dollar investment that may be the extra “push” you need to get to where you want to be. I’d be honored to be able to help get you there. 

You can find more information by clicking the Super Follow button on my Twitter profile page IN THE TWITTER APP. http://twitter.com/leadtoday Give it a try if you’re so inclined, and if you are, be sure to let me know how I’m doing and how I can be of even more help.

The Most Important Part of Communication 

Steve Keating 3 Comments

I used to sell a training course on communication. The course was literally world famous and is still taken by thousands and thousands of people each year all over the world. Most of the people who sign up for the course claim to want to become better communicators but what they really want is to be better speakers. 

There is a big difference between being a better speaker and a better communicator. They learn the difference in the very first week of that 12 week class. They discover that there are two parts to communication. Talking, which is what they signed up to learn, and listening, which they think they are already good at. 

The best communicators understand the difference between a dialogue and a monologue. They know that when they listen they learn. They linger on the words of the person speaking until they are certain that they understand their intent. 

The best communicators listen more than they talk. They know that saying something is no guarantee that it was heard. So they ask checking questions to ensure the person they are communicating with both heard and understood what was said. 

Great communicators don’t talk to another person, they talk with them. The difference in word choice and tone of voice allows for the possibility of real communication to take place. 

When I hear someone say that they learn a lot by talking to other people I immediately question (to myself) their communication skills. That’s because no one learns anything by talking. When we talk we are repeating what we already know, or think we know. It is when we stop talking to listen that we actually learn. When I hear someone say they learn a lot by listening to other people that’s when I know I’m talking with a good communicator. 

Here’s one surefire way you can be a better communicator this very day… put down the darn phone. I know it’s called a smart phone but if it was really smart it would shut itself off when it detected another life form within 3 feet of you. 

The number one cause of poor communication is distraction. The biggest distraction most of us deal with day in and day out is the hunk of electronics almost permanently attached to our hands. 

You cannot text and listen. You cannot watch videos and truly listen to another person. You can’t play whatever game you’re currently fascinated with and give another person’s words the attention they deserve. 

You cannot communicate if you’re not listening. Listening is the most important part of communication. Listening is the key that unlocks the words you need to use to deliver your message in a way that will be heard. Sometimes listening to another person speak is all you need to do to make a significant difference in their life. 

When you become a better listener you become a better person. You become better informed. You become a better friend, spouse and parent. 

You can be better in all those areas by making a decision to talk less and listen more. You may even discover that when you listen with complete attention you actually have nothing meaningful to add to the conversation. That’s when you know you’re truly a great communicator.