A whole bunch of years ago I was attending a Dale Carnegie Convention. I was surrounded by hundreds of amazing people from all around the world. A large majority of the people attending were excellent speakers and the best of the best presented to the entire audience.
I remember one particularly incredible presentation where the speaker was playing the harp WHILE giving a presentation on an entirely different subject. I mentioned to the person sitting next to me that I really wanted to learn to play a musical instrument.
I had never met this person before so I was a little surprised by their response. They said “No you don’t.” I reiterated that I really really wanted to learn to play a musical instrument. They again said that I didn’t.
They explained that while I apparently “wished” I could play a musical instrument I obviously didn’t really want to. He went on to say if I truly wanted to I likely would already be able to. I understood what he was getting at but I was still a little miffed at some guy telling me what I did and didn’t want.
It would be a long time before I truly understood the profound psychological and practical gap between a wish and a want. While they often start in the same place—a spark of desire—they travel in completely different directions.
One lives in the imagination; the other lives in the calendar.
The Nature of Wishing: Passive and Painless
A wish is essentially a fantasy without a price tag. When we wish for something, we are focusing entirely on the outcome without considering the process.
Direction: Inward. It’s a daydream that provides a temporary hit of dopamine.
The Cost: Zero. Wishing doesn’t require sacrifice, change, or risk of failure.
The Language: “I hope,” “If only,” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if…”
The Trap: Wishing can actually become a form of procrastination. We feel a sense of accomplishment just by thinking about the goal, which can trick our brains into feeling satisfied without ever taking the first step.
The Nature of Wanting: Active and Costly
“Wanting it enough to earn it” transforms a passive desire into a commitment. At this stage, you aren’t just in love with the trophy; you have accepted the sweat, the early mornings, and the inevitable setbacks.
Direction: Outward. It moves from the mind into physical action.
The Cost: High. It requires trading your most valuable resources: time, energy, and comfort.
The Language: “I will,” “I am,” and “What is the next step?”
The Filter: This is where most people drop off. As the saying goes, “Everyone wants the prize, but few want the process.”
The Pivot Point: The “Decision”
The difference between the two usually boils down to a single moment of honesty. To move from wishing to earning, you have to ask yourself: “Am I willing to endure the ‘boring’ parts of this goal?”
If you wish to be a writer, you enjoy the idea of a finished book.
If you want to earn the title of writer, you enjoy (or at least tolerate) the act of sitting in a chair and typing when you’d rather be doing anything else.
“A goal without a plan is just a wish.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Wishing is a great starting point—it’s the “why.” But earning is the “how.” The world is full of people who wish for change; it is moved by the people who decide to pay the price for it.
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