Leading People Who Are Very Different from You

One of the questions I always ask when interviewing a prospective candidate for a position is this: What is most important, a person’s ability to do the job or their “fit” within the organization?

Their answer to the question isn’t all that important to me, but I challenge them to explain their answer with a high level of detail. I want to know why they made the choice they made. Have they put some thought into the answer beforehand or was it an “off the cuff” answer because they had to say something? I’ll camp out on this question for a while; I want to see some critical thinking skills, or determine if those kinds of skills exist at all.

I need to know if they are willing to work with people who may not “fit” the stereotype for a particular position. If they are willing to work with someone they consider outside the “norm,” I want to know how they intend to do it.

I’m very interested in that because one of the greatest tests of leadership is guiding people who see the world differently than you do. Differences in background, personality, experience, or values can create friction, but they can also be a leader’s greatest asset if handled well. A strong leader learns not only to navigate differences but to leverage them for better ideas, stronger teams, and lasting results.

Start with Respect

Respect is the foundation of trust. You don’t have to agree with someone’s perspective to respect it. By showing genuine interest in people’s stories and experiences, you communicate that who they are matters. Respect opens the door to influence. Influence is the essence of Authentic Leadership.

Lead with Curiosity, Not Assumptions

When leading people who are different from you, assumptions are your enemy. Instead of filling in the blanks with what you think they mean, ask questions. Listen actively. Be curious about how their perspective shapes their work. You’ll often discover insights you would have missed. Odds are, you will learn more from people who think differently than you than you will from people who think the same.

Focus on Shared Goals

Differences matter, but so does a common purpose. Remind your team of what unites them—the mission, the vision, the results they’re working toward. A shared goal gives diverse people a reason to bring their best, even when they don’t see eye to eye.

Adjust Your Communication

Leaders who succeed with diverse groups adapt their communication styles. Some people value directness; others prefer diplomacy. Some want details; others just the big picture. Pay attention to how people receive information, not just how you like to give it.

Appreciate the Strength in Differences

What feels like a challenge at first—different opinions, working styles, or priorities—can actually make your team stronger. Diverse perspectives push ideas forward, uncover blind spots, and prevent groupthink. If everyone thinks like you, your team’s potential is very limited.

Lead with Humility

A humble leader admits they don’t have all the answers. When you’re willing to learn from people who are different than you, you not only grow as a leader but also create a culture where differences are valued instead of discouraged.

Final Thought:
Leading people who are very different than you isn’t about changing who you are—it’s about expanding your ability to understand and inspire others. The best leaders don’t just tolerate differences; they leverage them to build stronger, more productive, and resilient teams.

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Having Less Combative Conversations

I vaguely remember a time when you could disagree with someone without it turning into a world war. These days, it seems like even small disagreements run the risk of ending a relationship, even long-term relationships. Even between good friends. Even among family members.

But I remain convinced it doesn’t have to be that way. It does, however, require significant effort and a strong desire to maintain the relationship. It might require allowing your ego to take a hit. It may even require that you “accept” an apology that never comes.

Having less combative conversations with people who disagree with you requires a combination of empathy, patience, and effective communication techniques. Here are some ideas to try if you’re interested in making discussions more constructive and less confrontational.

1. Listen Actively

Understand their perspective: Try to genuinely understand the other person’s point of view. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you’re interpreting them correctly.

Reflect back: Paraphrase what they’ve said to show you’re paying attention. This can reduce misunderstandings and show respect.

Example: “So you’re saying that you believe ___ because of ___, right?”

2. Manage Your Emotions

Stay calm: Recognize your emotional triggers, and take a moment to breathe before responding if you start to feel angry or defensive.

Avoid personal attacks: Focus on the topic, not the person. Name-calling, sarcasm, or blaming will escalate tension.

3. Use “I” Statements

• Frame your thoughts using “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. This makes it clear that you are speaking from your own perspective without putting the other person on the defensive.

Example: Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when we talk about this.”

4. Seek Common Ground

• Start by acknowledging any areas of agreement or shared values, even if they are small. This can create a more cooperative tone in the conversation.

Example: “I think we both care deeply about finding the best solution, even though we have different ideas on how to get there.”

5. Ask Open-Ended Questions

• Instead of trying to “win” the argument, shift the focus to understanding by asking questions that encourage deeper discussion rather than yes/no answers.

Example: “What makes you feel that way about this issue?”

6. Practice Empathy

• Try to see the situation through their eyes and acknowledge the validity of their feelings or concerns, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions.

Example: “I can see how this would be frustrating for you.”

7. Pick Your Battles

• Some disagreements aren’t worth diving into. Consider if the issue at hand is something you’re willing to debate, or if it’s better to let go, especially if it risks damaging your relationship.

8. Avoid Absolutes

• Using terms like “always,” “never,” or “everyone” can shut down a conversation. Instead, be specific and focus on the instance at hand.

Example: Instead of “You always do this,” say “This time, when this happened, I felt ___.”

9. Give Space and Time

• If the conversation becomes too heated, it’s okay to take a break. Give yourself and the other person time to cool down and gather your thoughts before continuing.

Example: “I think we’re getting a bit stuck here. Let’s take a break and come back to this later.”

10. Agree to Disagree

• It’s important to recognize that some disagreements might not be resolvable. Being okay with this and respectfully acknowledging your differences can prevent escalation.

Example: “We may not agree on this, and that’s okay. Let’s move forward with respect for each other’s viewpoints.”

By focusing on understanding, rather than convincing or winning, you can create a conversation that is more collaborative and less combative. If you really think you “need” to win, then consider the fact that you were able to avoid turning your conversation into a war zone as a substantial win.

Let’s “tone down” our combative conversations. It will benefit us all. We should return to when we could disagree on one topic but still enjoy a civilized chat on another.

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I put a significant amount of time and effort into writing a couple of blog posts each week. My primary goal is simple, to help other people. That doesn’t mean a little financial support isn’t appreciated. If you’ve benefited from my efforts and think my posts are valuable, I’d certainly appreciate whatever support you might be able to offer.
But whether you can offer support or not, I’ll continue to try and write a blog that gives back, informs and sometimes even entertains. I hope you enjoy it!

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