Why Denial Limits Success

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. It’s actually a powerful psychological defense mechanism. Psychologists say it’s the mind’s way of shielding us from truths too painful, complex, or inconvenient to face. While it can offer temporary relief, denial often comes at a steep cost, creating ripple effects that harm individuals, relationships, and effective decision-making.

In this post, we’ll explore the dangers of denial, why it’s so pervasive, and how confronting reality—however uncomfortable—can lead to growth and positive change.

What Is Denial?

Technically speaking, denial is the refusal to acknowledge or accept an uncomfortable truth. It can manifest in small ways, like ignoring a bad habit, or in larger, more consequential ways, such as dismissing systemic issues or personal health concerns. Psychologically, denial serves as a coping mechanism to avoid anxiety, guilt, or fear. But when it becomes a habit, it prevents us from addressing problems head-on, allowing them to fester and grow.

The Personal Toll of Denial

On an individual level, denial can be a silent saboteur. Consider someone who ignores early signs of a health issue, like persistent fatigue or chest pain, convincing themselves it’s “just stress.” By avoiding medical attention, they risk worsening their condition, potentially leading to severe consequences. According to the American Heart Association, delays in seeking treatment for heart attack symptoms contribute to thousands of preventable deaths each year.

Denial also affects mental health. Suppressing emotions or refusing to acknowledge struggles—like addiction, depression, or trauma—can deepen those issues. For example, studies show that individuals who deny their substance abuse problems are less likely to seek treatment, prolonging their suffering and impacting those around them. Denial creates a cycle where avoidance replaces action, trapping people in patterns that are hard to break.

The Ripple Effect on Relationships

Denial doesn’t just harm the individual; it strains relationships. When someone refuses to acknowledge their role in conflicts—whether it’s a partner dismissing their hurtful behavior or a friend ignoring a betrayal—it erodes trust. Relationships thrive on honesty and accountability, but denial builds walls, preventing meaningful communication and resolution.

In families, denial can be particularly destructive. Parents who deny their child’s struggles, such as mental health issues or behavioral problems, may delay critical interventions. This not only affects the child’s well-being but can also create tension and resentment within the family.

Why Do We Deny?

Denial often stems from fear—of change, consequences, or vulnerability. Accepting a difficult truth might mean admitting fault, facing loss, or taking on responsibility. For some, denial feels like control in an uncertain world. Cognitive biases, like confirmation bias, also play a role, leading us to seek information that aligns with our beliefs while ignoring contradictory evidence.

Cultural and social factors can amplify denial. In environments where vulnerability is stigmatized, people may feel pressured to “keep it together” rather than confront issues. Misinformation, especially in the age of social media, can reinforce denial by providing false narratives that feel more comfortable than the truth.

Breaking Free from Denial

Overcoming denial requires courage and self-awareness. Here are a few steps to start:

1. Pause and Reflect: Take time to examine your beliefs and behaviors. Are you avoiding something out of fear or discomfort? Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can help uncover blind spots.

2. Seek Evidence: Look for objective information to challenge your assumptions. For example, if you’re denying a health issue, consult a professional or research credible sources.

3. Embrace Vulnerability: Accepting difficult truths can feel exposing, but vulnerability is a strength. It opens the door to growth and connection.

4. Take Small Steps: Facing reality doesn’t mean solving everything at once. Break problems into manageable pieces and address them one by one.

5. Seek Support: Whether it’s a support group or a mentor, external perspectives can help you navigate denial and build accountability.

The Power of Facing Reality

Confronting denial isn’t easy, but it’s liberating. By acknowledging truths—whether personal, relational, or societal—we empower ourselves to act. A person who admits they need help can seek treatment and heal. The alternative—clinging to denial—only deepens the damage, leaving us stuck in a cycle of avoidance and regret.

The dangers of denial lie in its ability to delay, distract, and destroy. But by choosing to face reality, we open the door to solutions, growth, and hope. The truth may be uncomfortable, but it is also the foundation for a better future. Why not take the first step today?

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How to Know What You Can Believe

I am sorry to say that this post includes a harsh dose of reality, which is: Not everything you see and read on the internet is true. I know that’s shocking for some of you, perhaps especially so for those who live life according to the gospel of TikTok. Someone recently explained to me that TikTok isn’t the internet, it’s an app. Apple allows it in their App Store. So, you know all the info on it is right.

So I was pretty much put in my place. 🥴

Knowing what to believe in today’s information-rich environment can be challenging. In the end people will believe what they want to believe. Many people look for “evidence” to support the position they already hold. And there is plenty of that so-called evidence to support literally any position, no matter how far off the beaten path it may be.

But if you’re interested in growing, it’s possible to use the never-ending stream of information on the internet to do that as well. Here are several key strategies to help discern credible information from misinformation.

• Evaluate the source.

⁃ Reputation: Consider the reputation of the source. Established and respected institutions, news outlets, and academic journals are generally more reliable.

⁃ Author Credentials: Check the qualifications and expertise of the author. Experts in the field are more likely to provide accurate information.

⁃ Affiliations: Be aware of the affiliations and potential biases of the source. Such sources may have strong ideologies or financial motives. They may present information in a biased way.

• Cross-Verification.

⁃ Multiple Sources: Look for information that’s corroborated by multiple independent sources. Consistency across various reputable sources increases credibility.

⁃ Primary vs. Secondary Sources: Whenever possible, refer to primary sources (original documents, direct evidence) rather than secondary sources (interpretations, summaries).

• Check for bias.

⁃ Content Analysis: Assess whether the content is presenting a balanced view or if it seems to have a particular agenda. Extreme language or one-sided arguments often indicate bias.

⁃ Fact vs. Opinion: Distinguish between factual reporting and opinion pieces. Facts should be supported by evidence, while opinions are subjective interpretations.

• Analyze the Evidence.

⁃ Supporting Data: Reliable information should be backed by data, research, and credible references. Scrutinize the quality of the evidence presented.

⁃ Logical Consistency: Ensure that the information is logically coherent and consistent with established knowledge. Beware of information that requires accepting unlikely or contradictory premises.

• Consider the context.

⁃ Historical and Cultural Context: Understand the broader context in which the information is presented. This includes historical background, cultural factors, and current events.

⁃ Purpose and Intent: Reflect on the purpose of the information. Is it to inform, persuade, entertain, or sell something? Understanding intent can reveal potential biases.

• Use critical thinking.

⁃ Question Assumptions: Don’t take information at face value. Question underlying assumptions and seek to understand the reasoning behind claims.

⁃ Identify Fallacies: Be aware of common logical fallacies and rhetorical techniques that can be used to mislead or manipulate.

• Seek expert opinion.

⁃ Consult Experts: When in doubt, seek the opinion of experts in the field. They can provide insights that are based on extensive knowledge and experience.

⁃ Expert Consensus: Consider the consensus among experts. While individual experts may have differing opinions, a strong consensus usually indicates a reliable conclusion.

• Stay informed and updated.

⁃ Continuous Learning: Stay informed about developments in various fields. This helps in understanding new information in the context of existing knowledge.

⁃ Adapt and update your beliefs: Be willing to revise your beliefs in light of new, credible information. Flexibility in thinking is crucial for staying accurate and well-informed.

I try to get as much information from as wide a variety of sources as possible. Many of the sources I have an absolute bias against. But sometimes they say something that will make me rethink my position. Sometimes I may even discover I’ve been wrong about something.

I think the real key to knowing what you can believe is to question everything you see and hear. By using the strategies I’ve outlined, you can get better at telling credible information from misinformation. This will let you have more accurate beliefs.

In the polarized world we live in it is vital that we believe what is true and reject what isn’t. That’s up to each of us. I would never dare to tell anyone what to believe. But, I would strongly encourage everyone to ensure that what they believe is believable.

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The World’s Biggest Liars

Truth, the kind that is supported by facts, seems to be in shorter supply all the time. I think much of the credit for that goes to the internet. Mark Twain famously said that “A lie can travel around the world and back again while the truth is lacing up it’s boots.” 

Mr. Twain didn’t foresee the development of the World Wide Web, if he had he would likely have said a lie has no data caps but the truth gets 1gig max. 

Lies spread likes wildfires and these days Smokey Bear is no where to be seen. One person uses Social Media to strike a match and every one else pours gas on it with likes and retweets. It seems as if the only thing needed to make a lie the truth is the desire to believe it. 

As George Costanza was known to say on Seinfeld, “it’s not a lie if you believe it.” Unfortunately for George that’s a lie too.

Depending on which research you choose to believe people lie on average between 2 to 200 times a day. Most of the research on lying also shows that 75% of people claim they never lie, not ever. (They might be lying about that) So let’s take the midpoint of all the research and say the average person lies 100 times a day. Since 75% of people never lie, that means that some people must lie virtually all the time. You can’t believe anything they say. Whatever the actual number, most of the lies are thought to be harmless and even “protective” of people’s feelings. But telling lies is a slippery slope. 

The absolute biggest liars in the world, both on social media and in person are “They” and it’s close relative, “They Say.” 

They and They Say can make up anything they want and yet can’t be held accountable. They and They Say are willing co-conspirators of anyone who wants to spread rumors and falsehoods. People convince themselves that they aren’t lying because “They” or “They Say” said it. 

Kinda like, “I don’t know for sure but “They” say that the refs were bought off in each of the four Super Bowls the Minnesota Vikings lost.” Now understand, it’s not me saying that, “They” said it. I’m just repeating what I heard. So if it turns out to not be true it’s not like I was lying. 

Here’s the deal folks, if you spread something that may not be true you are at minimum guilty of spreading rumors. If you know it’s not true then you’re lying, no matter how much you may want it to be true. But even if you’re absolutely certain that something is true you should ask yourself if sharing it has any value to anyone or if what you’re thinking of sharing will cause irreparable harm to someone. 

I used to be a pretty big “They Say” sharer. I’ve worked over the last several years to stop that unprofessional behavior. I’m better off for making that effort and you will be too. 

Don’t pass on the words of the world’s biggest liars, there is enough fake information out there already. NO ONE needs more. 

The Reality Gap

The higher you go in your organization the greater the risk that you will lose touch with your people. That risk has less to do with you as a leader than it has to do with with your followers. 

Positions at or near the top of an organization come with power or at least the perception of power. The people at lower levels of an organization believe that the people “at the top” have substantial control over their jobs and livelihoods. That belief drives a respect for those people at the top. I say respect but the truth is that far too often it’s not really respect, it’s fear and intimidation. 

To be clear, that fear is not necessarily driven by anything the leader says or does, it is driven by the insecurities of the people they lead. 

The best leaders are aware of those common insecurities and the behaviors they drive. One of the most common behaviors is a lack of candor. Most people are careful with the information they share with leaders at high levels of an organization. They have no interest in even appearing to “rock the boat.” 

So they withhold information that their leaders need to lead effectively. That can easily create a reality gap for the leader.

You may think you’ve done nothing to cause your people to shield you from the truth and you may be correct. But it’s not just you they shield from the truth, it’s your position. It’s kinda like having a meeting and telling people to forget you’re the boss…they can’t and won’t forget, they will always be leery about sharing real world information. 

In the worst cases they will either tell you only what they think you want to hear or they will outright lie. 

Here’s what makes this challenge so difficult to overcome: most leaders do not believe that a reality gap exists. They think they are “plugged in” to the pulse of their organization and certainly to some extent they are. The question is to what extent. A very large percentage of leaders are far less connected than they think. 

That’s why every leader, let me repeat, every leader needs at least one truth teller. Their truth teller is part coach, part confidant, and secure enough to risk the consequences of not withholding the information their leader needs. 

If you’re at or near the top of your organization then you need access to accurate, timely information. To ensure you have it you must find the people within your organization who have the confidence to tell you what’s what. 

Search out those people or that person and stay connected to them; let them be a second set of eyes and ears for you. Use them to verify the reality that you think you know. As a leader you can never have too much information. More and better information means a smaller reality gap and when it comes to gaps small is definitely big!

 

What You Don’t Know

I don’t watch a lot of television and though I really like watching 60 Minutes (A news weekly in the United States) I rarely take or make the time to see it. 

But I really enjoyed the live show on Christmas evening. I was absolutely fascinated watching Mike Wallace interview Mark Twain. I guess it was live because it was Christmas but whatever the reason it was truly amazing watching two living legends going back and forth talking about a major topic of the day.

Fake news!

One of the more profound things that Twain said was “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” 

His point was that much of what you read on the internet just can’t be believed. He also added that sadly, today it’s just not just the internet you can’t believe, sometimes even the mainstream media reports inaccurate information. Gone are the days when all “news” needed to be verified by two or three sources, now it seems more important to be first than to be right.

Hillary Clinton said recently that fake news was an epidemic in the U.S. Not only is she right but it’s not just the United States, it’s everywhere.

Some people will apparently believe anything. Did you hear about the guy that read about the same Hillary Clinton operating a child sex ring out of a Washington DC pizza shop. This knucklehead went to the pizza shop with a gun to “investigate” for himself. Somehow the gun went off … I think the guy is still in jail.

I mean how crazy do you have to be to believe everything you read online?

Apparently not very crazy. 

In an article published by something called AWDNews on Tuesday December 20, former Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Yaalon was quoted as threatening to destroy Pakistan if it sent troops into Syria. “We will destroy them with a nuclear attack,” the article quoted Yaalon as saying. There is no evidence that Yaalon ever said those words.

Pakistan Defense Minister Khawaja Asif responded to the fake news article on his official Twitter as if it were real. He warned Israel that it was not the only nuclear power. “Israeli threatens nuclear retaliation presuming (Pakistan) role in Syria against Daesh. Israel forgets Pakistan is a Nuclear State too,” Asif wrote late on December 23.

Pakistan has figured out that the “news” reports were fake so the world can live a while longer.

One can only wonder what obviously fake news will be believed next.

Maybe we all need to take a step back and do what real journalists used to do… Verify all information with two or even three sources before we believe it. 

I wouldn’t believe anything I saw in the “news” until I saw it in several places. You’re responsible for what you believe, not the people making stuff up. 

With that I should probably come clean and admit I did not see 60 Minutes on Christmas night. I don’t even know if it was on.

I did not see Mike Wallace interview Mark Twain on live TV. That would have been entirely impossible because Mr. Wallace passed away sometime back and Mr. Twain passed away sometime before that.

But I’d bet a days wages that somebody is right this second searching YouTube to find that Mike Wallace/Mark Twain interview. The amazing thing is that even though the interview never took place they may still be able to find it.

Some people really will believe anything. 

The Truth of the Matter

One of the best pieces of dialogue from a movie is the famous part of “A Few Good Men” with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. It’s the line where Nicholson says “You want the Truth.” 

Except he never said that. 

He never said “YOU want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”

The real truth is many people have been quoting “A Few Good Men” wrong for years. Jack Nicholson actually says “You want answers?” Then Tom Cruise says “I think I’m entitled to them!” Nicholson asks again “You want answers?” To which Cruise replies “I want the truth!”

It is only then that Nicholson serves up the famous line “You can’t handle the truth!”

We don’t even know the truth around perhaps the most famous movie line about truth ever.

Leaders struggle with the truth too. They don’t, at least most don’t, struggle with telling the truth, they struggle with being told the truth. Most leaders don’t know they struggle with this because they naively believe their people trust them enough to always be truthful. 

However, given the nature of power and authority, it is actually common for people to limit the information they provide to their leaders. They might think that they are protecting themselves or a colleague from the leaders wrath…or worse. They might even think they are in some way protecting their leader but in either case it is unlikely that the leader is always getting a clear picture of what’s going on in their organization.

Many leaders may not like this, they may not want to hear it or believe it but the truth of the matter is, very often the information they receive from their people is at least “filtered” to some degree. It may even be an outright lie.

If you’re a leader who truly wants the truth from your people, consistently and bias free, then you will need to help them deliver it to you. Help them by actively seeking this kind of communication without punishing them, in any way, for the content.  

Always ask for differing opinions, encourage people to provide you the real story, ask them to trust you enough to share the truth. (Yes, one of the major reasons your people don’t tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth is that they don’t trust you’ll handle it well)

When I say don’t “punish” them for the content I mean don’t punish them in any way. DO NOT get defensive. DO NOT raise your voice. DO NOT tell them they are wrong. In fact, DO NOT react in any way that would give anyone the impression that you are the least bit unhappy about what you just heard. DO NOT react in any way that would give anyone any reason to believe that they could be in “trouble” for telling you the truth or having an opinion that may differ from yours.

Just say “thank you for the courage to share that with me. Let me think on that for a bit and when I have my head around it we can talk again.” 

If you want the truth then you had better be prepared to handle it. Your facial expressions, your tone of voice, and your words really do matter. 

You know that you perform better when you have better, more truthful information. You also need to know that you won’t get it if your people think it’s too “dangerous” to give it to you. If you want the truth you’re going to have to work for it. That “work” likely includes changing some of your  behavior to help your people feel more comfortable when providing the information you need to truly lead.

And that’s the truth of the matter.

 

The Lunacy of Lying

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Lies are lies. If it’s not the truth it’s a lie, no matter how much you want to believe it. When you tell a lie you damage your credibility, credibility that you need in order to lead. 

Let’s begin with some incredible research findings about deception. 

  • Humans are lied to as many as 200 times a day. 
  • Humans detect lies with only 54% accuracy. 
  • Of the lies we tell 25% are for someone else’s sake. 
  • Children begin deceiving as early as 6 months of age. 
  • Avoiding eye contact is the most presumed sign of lying around the world—even though it’s false.
  • People engaged in normal honest conversation only make direct eye contact 30-60% of the time.
  • Law enforcement officials—including FBI agents, customs agents and judges— performed no better than the average person in detecting deception.

The research suggests it’s harder to tell when someone is lying than we think it is and that around half the lies told go undetected. 

That’s all kinda bad news but it pales in comparison to this absolute truth: the lies we tell ourselves do immeasurably more harm to our ability to lead than the lies we tell others. That’s true because when we lie to ourselves, when we convince ourselves that fiction is fact, we will surely share that lie with others. 

Once you master lying to yourself you will lie to anyone, whether you intend to or not. You actually can become unsure of what the truth really is. It is possible that you don’t even consider an untruth to be a lie. Deception simply becomes a tool you use to manipulate others.

Leading people has nothing to do with manipulating them. Leading requires a relationship of sorts between the leader and the follower. When people feel manipulated they do not trust the manipulator. Absent trust, there can be no relationship. 

Not only does lying damage the ability of others to trust you, it damages YOUR ability to trust others. People who are untrustworthy have major issues trusting other people too.

The people you lead NEED to know they can believe what you say. They need to know that they can trust you. Once, yes once, you’re caught in a lie you make it much harder for your people to follow you.

But I’m betting that you don’t consider yourself a liar. You’re an honest person who maybe just “withholds some details,” or doesn’t exactly tell the “whole truth” in order to allow someone to save face. 

I get that but here’s what you need to get: The absence of truth is a lie. Withholding even part of the truth is lying. You need to be very very careful with the first lie because the first lie very often leads to telling a second lie to protect the truth from the first lie. Lying is the leading cause of more lying. 

Some people excuse themselves for lying with the statement that “the truth hurts.” Well telling someone the truth is like pulling a band-aid off quickly, telling a lie is like pulling it off slowly. The fact is, lies hurt too, they just hurt longer.

Lying is lunacy, it always burns the liar in the end. Even if no one else catches you in the lie, you know that you lied and if you’re a normal person, that in itself will eventually burn you.

Lies almost never work out, the truth almost always does….play the odds, tell the truth!