Tag Showing Kindness

Are You a Nice Person or a Kind Person?

Steve Keating 3 Comments

I’ve done a lot of presentations and workshops over the years. Some of them have had very memorable moments. But one stands out above all others. 

I was doing a Leadership Workshop several years ago for the leadership team of an organization that had some “opportunities” for improvement. I got to the point in the workshop where we discussed some of the key characteristics of Authentic Leadership. I made the point, which I strongly believe, that you can care for people without leading them but you cannot lead people without caring for them. 

The key leader in the organization was seated in the front row. He looked at me and said he wanted to make a comment. I had no idea what he was about to say but my workshops tend to be a “say whatever is on your mind” kinda workshop so I said go ahead. 

He turned toward the back and the room and motioned towards everyone else in the room, the vast majority of them worked for him. He then looked back at me and said, “look at these people, you expect me to care about them? Why would I do that? Just look at them.”

As a presenter there are several ways to handle that kind of comment. I could have let it slide. I could have confronted him about it directly or I could have let the group handle it for me. I knew going in that the group had no respect for this key leader who was clearly a leader in name only. So I decided to give them the opportunity to respond directly to him. 

I answered that yes, I fully expect you to care for the people you lead but my opinion wasn’t that important. What was really important was the opinion of the people you’re supposed to be leading, so let’s see what they have to say. 

I then asked if anyone from the group had anything to say. Now this “leader” was a bully. A tyrant in every sense of the word. So it would take some courage to speak up and one person had that courage almost immediately. 

It was what she said that has stuck with me to this day. It was a very short comment but one of the most impactful I’ve ever heard. She delivered the comment in a matter of fact fashion served up on a plate of humility. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful, and the truth was this “leader” had an EQ of zero so I don’t think anything anyone said to him could be hurtful anyway. 

She said, “I will be nice to you because I’m a nice person. But I won’t be kind to you because you are not a kind person.” 

There was no reaction from the key leader and the rest of them room was silent. I made a couple of comments about the importance of showing the people we lead that we care for them. A reality of leadership is that people won’t care to follow a leader who doesn’t care for them first. 

We moved on but the comment has stayed with me. Among other things it got me to thinking about the difference between being nice and being kind. We often use the words interchangeably but it turns out they are far from the same. 

Being nice to others is easy. It doesn’t cost us a thing. We only need to use the good manners our parents taught us. Being nice involves saying things like “thank you” whenever the opportunity presents itself. It means saying please and you’re welcome whenever that opportunity presents itself too. A smile and saying Good Morning is an example of being nice. 

So about now you’re thinking you’re a pretty nice person. I’m sure you say please and thank you, you may even toss in a “you’re welcome” now and then. But do you use those words and phrases at EVERY opportunity? I’m sure you did when your waiter or waitress set that glass of water or basket of bread down on your table.

Wait, what? You say that’s their job. So what, you can say thank you to someone because they are doing their job? You’ll have a hard time leading people with an attitude like that. 

Being nice costs you nothing. You only have to make the conscious choice to be nice at every opportunity. And realize there are LOTS of opportunities that we miss.

Being kind on the other hand takes some effort. It likely has some cost to it, even if that cost is only in terms of time. Giving someone a ride is showing kindness. Taking someone shopping or picking up a coffee for someone on the way to work is showing kindness. 

If you’re doing someone for someone that requires extra time or effort that is being kind. If everything you do benefits only yourself then others may not see you as kind. They may be right. Ask yourself, when was the last time you went out of your way to help someone…without expecting anything in return? 

So now that you understand the difference let me ask again. Are you a nice person or a kind person? The only “correct” answer is of course both. But if you pay attention to your thoughts and actions you may realize that you have some work to do in both areas. 

I can guarantee you that I do. 

A Big Challenge

Steve Keating 5 Comments

This is a little post with a big challenge. The challenge comes from one of Dale Carnegie’s first books. While not as well known as his all time best seller, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” it is perhaps the book that has changed more lives than any other book he authored. 

The book is entitled, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” The “challenge” is actually one of the principles from the book. The principle says “Forget your unhappiness by creating happiness for others.” 

One way to do that is to commit each day to do something kind for someone and not let them find out it was you who did it. 

A couple of points before I send you off on your challenge.

You must understand the basic difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice is easy, it requires no real effort on your part. Being nice includes things like saying thank you, please and your welcome. Think of being nice more like having good manners. 

Being kind on the other hand requires some effort on your part. It might be offering a ride to someone on your way to the store. It is especially kind if where they are going is not on your way. That’s very kind of you but it doesn’t meet the challenge requirements because they will obviously know you give them a ride. 

Here’s an example that would definitely meet the challenge. Let’s say someone has broken something that they have treasured for a long time. They can’t fix it themselves or they can’t afford to have it fixed. So you secretly have it repaired and put back in it’s place. 

Doing the kind thing by having it repaired on the sly doesn’t meet the challenge either. But you’ve at least met the first half of the challenge. Quietly putting it back in place and NEVER mentioning that you took care of it will complete the full challenge. 

It’s a challenge because it’s human nature to want to get “credit” for our good deeds. I do kind things for people but then I tend follow them around like a lost puppy until they notice the kindness. When they ask if I did that, I just smile. I didn’t tell them I did it but I’m always open to accepting their gratitude. 

It’s hard not to seek recognition for the good things we do. But when we are successful it is a great feeling. 

Like all things worth doing, being kind and not seeking recognition for it is easier said than done. But if you want to do something incredibly special for someone…and yourself, you’ll do it anyway. 

Now, get to it, there is a kindness waiting to be done. 

You Matter Too!

Steve Keating 1 Comment

President John Kennedy said that each of us can make a difference and that all of us should try. The key words in that quote are “all of us.”

None of us can do all the good that the world needs. But the world needs every single bit of all the good you can do. A single act of kindness can change the world of the person receiving it and there isn’t a single person in the world who can’t be kind. 

Despite what some people seem to think showing kindness is not a sign of weakness. It is in fact a sign of strength. But first understand the difference between being kind and simply being nice. 

Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Some people call that being courteous. Being “nice” is sort of the minimum requirement for being accepted into society. 

Being kind is when you care about people and show it. Sometimes you can be kind to someone even though you aren’t nice to them. What some people call “tough love” would be one example of that. You can be nice to someone but also be unkind. That’s actually pretty common. We are often nice to people we don’t even know but we don’t put in any effort to demonstrate we care about them. 

It costs us nothing to be nice to someone but being kind almost certainly has some type of cost, or as I’d prefer to say, investment. It might be giving some of your time to assist someone else. Being kind might mean sacrificing a little of what you have so someone else can have a little bit of something too. 

Being kind takes effort and intentionality. It can be tiring but the effort is always worth it. Whether the person you’re being kind to realizes it in the moment or not; you know you’ve done the right thing and that feeling has staying power.

But here’s the thing….all that difference making and being kind to others can take a real toll on you. It can wear you down. A little fact that many people miss is that kindness for others is only sustainable if you’re first kind to yourself. Yes, you must put yourself first once in a while. 

If you’re a kind person be sure to invest some time in yourself as well. Focus on your needs. Focus on something for yourself that you never have time for. Make time! 

I know it’s counterintuitive for truly kind people to put themselves first. This is especially true for moms. But honestly, the kindest thing you can do for others is to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others. Make time for yourself so you’ll have more time for others. 

You have the time to care for yourself and others too. You just have to change your priorities to sometimes put yourself first. Remember, the people you care for most will benefit from YOU taking care of YOU too. 

The Benefits of Being Kind

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Al Capone once said that you can get much farther in life with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. 

 

I suppose he believed that but if you’re an Authentic Leader you don’t need the gun. Your influence along with a kind word will be more than enough to get you wherever you want to go. It will also be key in convincing your people to make the journey with you. 

 

I once knew a guy in a leadership position who was certain that being kind was a weakness. He frequently said he didn’t need to waste time on kindness because his people had no choice but to do what they were told. He was of course wrong. So wrong in fact that he’s not in a leadership position any longer. He doesn’t torment people who work for him anymore but I’m pretty confident he still torments himself on a regular basis. 

 

Being kind to others is good business. But kindness is about way more then business. I would submit that it’s impossible to live a happy and fully productive life without being kind to others. 

 

Being kind allows you to cope and overcome stressful situations. Being kind let’s you pay less attention to yourself and your problems. Doing something for the benefit of someone else takes your focus off of you and puts it on someone else. 

 

A truly kind person does not have ulterior motives for being kind. They are loving and giving out of the goodness of their heart. Kind people have a high level of self-esteem and because they love themselves first it let’s them care about others too. 

 

Kind people expect to be treated with respect and that expectation is often met. Kind people don’t have anything to prove to other people so they get to be themselves. Being kind allows you to be comfortable in your own skin. 

 

Just so we’re clear don’t mistake being nice with being kind. They are not the same. Being nice means treating people well and being polite. Being kind requires that you care for people and have the courage to show it. 


You can be nice to people while also be unkind. Don’t make that mistake. Care for others, show kindness whenever and wherever you can. It’s one of the kindest things you can do….for yourself!