Tag Self-Centered

How to Manage Life with a Narcissist

Steve Keating Leave a comment

Most people would describe someone with narcissistic tendencies as a basic jerk. But narcissism is much more complex than that. Navigating relationships with a narcissist—whether it’s a family member, partner, friend, or colleague—can be emotionally draining and beyond frustrating.

Narcissists most often exhibit self-centered behavior, a need for constant admiration, and a lack of empathy, which can make interactions feel one-sided or manipulative. While you can’t change a narcissist, you can adopt strategies to protect yourself and manage these relationships effectively. Here’s a few tips on how to deal with a narcissist.

Understand Narcissistic Behavior

The first step in dealing with a narcissist is recognizing their traits. These are not just jerks or self-absorbed people. They are much more difficult, even dangerous, to deal with. Narcissists often:

• Seek excessive admiration and attention.

• Lack empathy for others’ feelings.

• Exaggerate their achievements or importance.

• Manipulate or exploit others to meet their needs.

• React poorly to criticism, often becoming defensive or aggressive.

Understanding that their behavior stems from deep-seated insecurities or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can help you avoid taking their actions personally. This perspective allows you to approach interactions with clarity rather than frustration.

Set Firm Boundaries

Narcissists don’t just push your buttons; they often push limits to maintain control or attention. Setting clear, firm boundaries is essential to protect your emotional health.

• Be specific: Clearly state what behaviors are unacceptable (e.g., “I won’t tolerate being interrupted or belittled in conversations”).

• Stay consistent: Narcissists may test your boundaries, so enforce them calmly and consistently.

• Limit personal disclosures: Narcissists may use personal information against you, so share cautiously.

For example, if a narcissistic coworker constantly takes credit for your work, politely but firmly address it in the moment or involve a supervisor to establish accountability.

Don’t Engage in Power Struggles

Narcissists thrive on drama and control. Engaging in arguments or trying to “win” can escalate conflicts and feed their need for attention.

• Stay calm: Keep your emotions in check, even when provoked. Use neutral responses like, “I hear you, but I don’t agree.”

• Avoid flattery or criticism: Praising them excessively fuels their ego, while criticism may trigger defensiveness or retaliation.

• Use the “gray rock” method: Be as emotionally unresponsive as possible, like a dull, uninteresting rock. This reduces their incentive to engage with you manipulatively.

For instance, if a narcissistic family member tries to bait you into an argument, respond with brief, neutral statements and redirect the conversation.

Focus on Your Own Needs

Narcissists often demand that others prioritize their needs, which can leave you feeling depleted. Reclaim your energy by:

• Practicing self-care: Engage in activities that boost your mental and emotional health, like exercise, journaling, or spending time with supportive people.

• Seeking validation internally: Don’t rely on a narcissist for approval, as they are unlikely to provide it genuinely.

• Building a support network: Surround yourself with empathetic friends, family, or a mentor who can validate your experiences and offer perspective.

If you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner, for example, carve out time for hobbies or friendships that remind you of your worth outside of the relationship.

Communicate Strategically

When you must interact with a narcissist, tailor your communication to minimize conflict and maintain control:

• Use “I” statements: Frame your needs in terms of your feelings (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when conversations focus only on one topic.”)

• Keep it brief: Narcissists may twist long explanations, so be concise and clear.

• Appeal to their self-interest: If you need their cooperation, frame requests in a way that benefits them (e.g., “If we finish this project early, it will make you look great to the team”).

For example, if a narcissistic boss demands constant updates, propose a streamlined reporting system that saves them time while meeting your needs for autonomy.

Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes, the healthiest option is to limit or end contact with a narcissist, especially if their behavior becomes toxic or abusive.

• Assess the relationship: If the narcissist consistently undermines your mental health or self-esteem, consider distancing yourself.

• Plan your exit: If it’s a romantic or professional relationship, prepare emotionally and logistically (e.g., securing finances or documenting workplace issues).

• Go no-contact if necessary: In extreme cases, cutting off communication entirely may be the best way to protect yourself.

For instance, if a narcissistic friend repeatedly dismisses your feelings, reducing contact or politely declining invitations can help you regain peace.

Seek Professional Support

Dealing with a narcissist can be isolating and confusing. A therapist or counselor can provide:

• Tools to cope with emotional manipulation.

• Validation of your experiences.

• Strategies to rebuild self-esteem and set boundaries.

If you suspect the narcissist in your life has NPD, a mental health professional can help you understand the condition and its impact on your relationship.

Educate Yourself Continuously

Knowledge is power when dealing with a narcissist. Books, reputable online resources, or support groups can offer insights and strategies. Some recommended reads include:

• Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary

• The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson

Additionally, forums or communities (like those on X) can connect you with others who have faced similar challenges, offering practical tips and emotional support.

Final Thoughts

People with narcissistic tendencies seem to be somewhat common, so sooner or later you’re going to run into one. Successfully interacting with that narcissist requires patience, strategy, and a commitment to your own well-being. By setting boundaries, staying in control of your emotions, and knowing when to step back, you can navigate these relationships without losing your self-respect, temper, or control.

Remember that you can’t change a narcissist, but you can decide how you will respond and protect your peace.

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The Trouble With I

Steve Keating 8 Comments

Abraham Lincoln, who served as the 16th President of the United States was known as a man who seldom used the word I. He had the ability to give entire speeches without using that one letter word.

There was a more recent President of the United States who used the word I over 200 times in a relatively short speech. Surprising new research from the University of Texas suggests that people who often say “I” are less powerful and less sure of themselves than those who limit their use of the word. Frequent “I” users subconsciously believe they are subordinate to the person to whom they are talking.

Using the word “I” excessively in speech or writing can also reveal a few other things about someone. It may suggest a self-centered or egocentric perspective, a lack of consideration for others’ viewpoints, or a tendency to dominate conversations.

Here’s the point: over using the word I is not good. It makes you seem very self-centered. It makes you sound like a jerk. It is not an effective way to communicate. It turns people off.

A leader who is constantly using “I” as in “I want” or “I need” or “I expect” is likely doing great harm to the morale of their team. They are in fact tearing at the fabric of the team. Not intentionally mind you, but they are damaging the team nonetheless.

Let me give you a recent example. I was on a call with a sales team and there were some tactics they needed to be executed on in a short period of time. The sales manager laid out a laundry list of things “he” needed his team to do. It was a long list of “I” need everyone doing this and “I” need everyone doing that. “I” want this level of effort and the only reason you need for doing any of that is “I want” it done.

It was a teams call so I could see the demoralized faces of the team.

After the call I suggested to the sales manager that the call may have gone better if he had just replaced each “I” with “we”. For example, “we have some ground to make up.” “We need to pull together.” “We need to do this and we need to do that.” “We need to do it together, for each other, because it’s how a true team functions.”

The sales manager was undeterred. He not so politely told me “the team” belonged to him. It’s not their team, “it’s mine.” I knew from previous conversations that this manager was basically uncoachable but I gave it a shot because the overuse of “I” in his conversations was so immensely glaring.

But maybe you’re more open to coaching and would like your conversations to be more inclusive and collaborative. The kind of conversations where both parties feel heard and valued. To do that you’ll need to limit your use of the word “I.”

If that sounds like you then here are a few quick ideas that may help.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of starting sentences with “I think” or “I feel,” ask questions that encourage the other person to share their thoughts and experiences.

• Use Statements: Instead of saying “I believe,” state your opinion or perspective without explicitly referring to yourself. For example, say “This seems to be a good approach” instead of “I believe this is a good approach.”

• Active Listening: Show that you’re engaged in the conversation by actively listening to the other person. Respond to what they say rather than steering the conversation back to yourself.

• Empathize: When expressing understanding or empathy, focus on the other person’s feelings or experiences. For instance, say “It must be challenging for you” instead of “I understand how you feel.”

• Share Experiences Tactfully: If you need to share your experiences, do so in a way that is relevant and adds value to the conversation. Avoid dominating the discussion with personal anecdotes.

• Use “We” or “You” Instead: Instead of saying “I think we should,” consider using “Maybe we could” or “Have you considered?” This shifts the focus from your perspective to a collaborative or the other person’s viewpoint.

• Be Mindful of Tone: Pay attention to your tone to avoid sounding self-centered. Be open and inclusive in your language.

While it’s natural to use “I” at times, be conscious of overusing it. Balance your statements with a mix of inclusive language. It’ll help keep you from sounding like a jerk.

Remember, the goal is to foster a more collaborative and open conversation where both parties feel heard and valued.

THE Telltale Sign of Poor Leadership

Steve Keating Leave a comment

One of the questions I’m asked most often, particularly after I’ve done a presentation on Leadership, is why I haven’t written a book on Leadership. The simple answer is, I don’t think I have anything new to add to the incredible books already written on the topic. 

I believe any book I could write would at best be a “me too” book. I might have different stories and examples in my book but they would all lead to the same conclusions. Leadership is about people. Leadership is NOT the same as management. And while some people do indeed seem to have more “born in” leadership traits, the reality is that leaders are made, not born.

But there is one very insidious trait that poor leaders have that I don’t see discussed often enough. This trait is not easily identifiable. Unless like me, you intently study leaders to observe what separates Authentic Leaders from those who merely think they are leading. 

People who experience leaders with this trait most often can’t put their finger on exactly what about the person is sending off the bad vibes. They know there’s something “off.” They can’t exactly trust the person but unless they are paying attention it’s more of a feeling than anything else.

Most people with this trait who find themselves in leadership positions struggle to lead. That’s because most of them have not identified this trait within themselves either. They often place the blame for their poor leadership on the people they are supposed to be leading. Turnover in their organizations is high and as long as this trait persists it will remain high. In organizations where one or more leaders possess this trait employee engagement will be too low for obstacles to be overcome. Goals will not be achieved. 

This trait is called the “I trait.” “I” as in “I’m” telling you. Or “I” expect this. Or worse “I” accomplished great things this year. 

“I” is the least inclusive word someone in a leadership position can use. Many people in leadership positions lack awareness of how many times they say “I.” Some unfortunately are very aware and use it intentionally. Sometimes to take credit away from their people and other times to make themselves seem more important to their organizations than they actually are.

“I” is the preferred pronoun of people who think they are leaders when they aren’t. The more a person in a leadership position uses “I” and it’s possessive form, “my” or “mine” the less likely it is that people will commit to following them. Absent that commitment there is no true leadership.

I was on a call not long ago where a person who believes that are a leader used “I,” “my” or mine over 70 times in a one hour call, and they only spoke for a part of it. I wouldn’t normally count how many times a person uses a particular word in conversation. As I became aware of it’s overuse early in the call I starting counting. That’s why I said over 70, it was likely way over because I didn’t start counting right away. 

The more someone in a leadership position uses “I” the more they separate themselves from the team. Whether it is intentional or not. 

Poor leaders use “I” far far more than effective Authentic Leaders. The overuse of the word “I” is the one sure sign of poor leadership. The more a person in a leadership position uses it, the less engagement they can expect from their people. That’s an absolute fact.

If you’re in a leadership position, have someone listen in on your conversations. Ask them to track how often you say “I” when “we” would have been more appropriate. If that isn’t an option then record some of your conversations and listen to them yourself. Practice eliminating “I” from your vocabulary, it can most often, and most effectively, be replaced with “we.”

“We” indicates your leadership is about the people you lead. “I” indicates it is all about you. “I” indicates YOU have a lot to learn about leading people to their full potential. It indicates you’re a long way from reaching yours as well.

On a another subject…I’m trying something new on Twitter. It’s called “Super Followers.” For $5 a month, that’s 17 cents a day, people can follow a part of my Twitter stream that is for subscribers only. It features short videos of me discussing leadership topics, sales tips and ideas for better overall relationships. I’m assuming there will be far fewer Super Followers than the million or so people who regularly follow me on Twitter. That will give me the opportunity to answer questions more throughly than I can on regular Twitter. Most of the answers will come in the evening cause we all have day jobs, right? Think of it as ”mentoring on demand!”

My goal with SuperFollowers is to build a better connection, one where I can perhaps help more and have a greater impact. I’m hoping it gives me a chance to mentor to a wider audience. It’s still new, we’ll see how it works. It’s a $5 dollar investment that may just be the extra “push” you need to get to where you want to be. I’d be honored to be able to help get you there. 

You can find more information by clicking the Super Follow button on my Twitter profile page IN THE TWITTER APP. http://twitter.com/leadtoday Give it a try if you’re so inclined, and if you are, be sure to let me know how I’m doing and how I can be of even more help.