How to Resolve Conflicts Without Going Nuclear

Conflicts are a part of life. To resolve conflicts without losing friends, co-workers, or even family, you need to be willing to find solutions that benefit everyone. If your goal is simply to “win” an argument or overpower the person you’re in conflict with then you’ve lost before you even started.

To resolve conflicts well, you need good communication skills, empathy, and a sincere desire for real solutions. Here’s a few ideas to help you navigate and resolve conflicts without resorting to the nuclear option of just blowing the person off forever.

• Stay Calm: Before addressing the issue, take a moment to calm yourself. Emotional reactions can escalate conflicts. Nothing that’s been said has ever been unsaid so make certain you mean exactly what you say.

• Define the Issue: Identify the specific problem or issue causing the conflict. Avoid making it personal and focus on the behavior or situation. “Blame” has never resolved a conflict, remember that and you’ll have a chance at a positive outcome.

• Understand Perspectives: Listen actively to the concerns and perspectives of all parties involved. Seek to understand their point of view, even if you disagree. Other people see the world through their “life lens” which is made up of their experiences. If your life experiences were the same as theirs you wouldn’t have a conflict to begin with. Value their experiences as much as your own and it will become easier to see their point of view.

• Communicate Effectively: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns without blaming others. For example, say “I feel” instead of “You always” to avoid accusations.

• Find Common Ground: Identify areas where you and the other party agree. This helps create a foundation for finding a resolution.

• Explore Solutions Together: Brainstorm possible solutions collaboratively. Encourage everyone involved to contribute ideas without being judgmental. But here’s the challenge, you need to exercise good judgment. But to do that you’ll first need to understand that there is a difference between being judgmental and making judgments. When you work to truly understand the other person’s point of view you’ll be far less judgmental. That will lead directly to having better judgement.

• Evaluate and Select Solutions: Assess the pros and cons of each solution. Choose an option that addresses the concerns of all parties to the best extent possible.

• Implement the Solution: Put the chosen solution into action. Clearly communicate the steps to be taken and ensure that everyone is on board with the plan.

• Follow Up: After implementing the solution, follow up with all parties involved to see how well it’s working. Make adjustments if necessary.

• Seek Mediation: If the conflict persists, consider involving a neutral third party to mediate. This person can provide an objective perspective and help guide the conversation toward resolution.

• Learn from the Conflict: Reflect on the conflict and the resolution process. Consider what could be done differently in the future to prevent similar issues.

• Build Positive Relationships: Focus on rebuilding or strengthening relationships after the conflict. Emphasize common goals and shared interests.

Conflicts are a natural part of human interaction, and resolving them effectively can lead to stronger relationships and a more positive work or personal environment. Running from conflicts or trying to avoid them altogether will not solve them. They simply simmer under the surface until they come to a boil. At that point that may be too hot for anyone to handle.

To avoid this, take action to solve conflicts early. As a result, you’ll have fewer conflicts overall.

Don’t Smooth Things Over

Courageous leaders don’t smooth things over. They don’t put band-aids on the symptoms of a problem. They don’t pretend “things” are okay when they know darn well they are not and they never ever expect that a problem will just fix itself. 


What courageous leaders do is make things right, even if sometimes that means plunging headfirst into conflict. 


There are and have been many a great leader who preferred to avoid conflict when possible but I can’t think of a single truly great leader from the past or present who avoids conflict at all costs. 


The most effective leaders know that “smoothing over” a problem isn’t much different than burying it under a rock. Sooner or later someone comes along and turns the rock over exposing the problem with all it’s rough edges on display once again. 


Weaker leaders avoid conflicts because to them conflict means emotionally charged turmoil and fights and disruption and drama. In the hands of a weak leader that’s probably true.


Under the guidance of an Authentic Leader, especially an Authentic Servant Leader, a conflict represents the opportunity for genuine learning and long-term growth. 


Authentic Servant Leaders meet conflict head-on with the compassion, integrity, and understanding that you would expect from such a leader. They know that the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it so they work diligently to lower relationship tension and the emotions that go with it. 


They lead the discussion with whatever facts are irrefutable to build common ground. They show empathy for every side of a conflict without minimizing the importance of anyone’s feelings. 


They want everyone involved in the situation to come out of it with their self-esteem and the conflict gone. 


When that works it’s a great accomplishment. But the truth is it doesn’t always work. 


When it doesn’t work the Authentic Servant Leader sets aside the Authentic Servant part and simply leads. If forced, they impose a solution that ends the conflict. They decide! They take action! That may mean some really bad stuff happens to someone involved in the conflict but the conflict is resolved and it’s resolved for good. 


Authentic Servant Leaders do not allow conflict to linger. Conflicts are like an organizational cancer. Leaders should help diagnose and treat the conflict but if it can’t be treated it must be removed. That will likely result in some injured feelings. Authentic Servant Leaders understand that at least a part of their organization may require some time to heal from an imposed solution. They also know that needing a little time to heal is far better than dealing with a slow burning conflict that never ends.


I firmly believe in helping everyone in an organization feel valuable and in continually building their self-esteem. But in every case, in every single case, the good of the many must outweigh the good of the one. 

Dealing with conflict is one of the biggest challenges for a true leader but it’s one they don’t run from, in fact, the very best leaders run to it. 

Compassionate Conflict Resolution

You can meditate 4000 years, but if avoidance is at the root of it, you won’t be free. ~ Papaji

People often ask me where my ideas for blog topics come from. I tell them that I just write about “stuff” I read, see in the news, and hear and see around me. Sometimes however a blog post is just me talking to myself and letting other people “listen” in… this is one of those blog posts. 

I do not like conflict! I am not however a conflict avoider. That pretty much puts me where I need to be to successfully deal with workplace and life conflict. I’d rather not deal with conflicts but I will if I have to and knowing what I know about Authentic Leadership if I intend to audaciously continue to attempt to help others improve their own leadership skills I most certainly have to. 

I have to because conflict engagement and resolution are key leadership skills. Leaders who avoid conflict at any cost simply don’t understand that the costs are very real. 

By the way, just an aside here… if you’re thinking to yourself right now that you actually like conflict then I have some bad news for you. Liking conflict almost always means that you aren’t very good at resolving it. 

Avoiding conflict often causes resentment and misunderstanding, – emotions that when left alone, have a tendency to fester. Nothing is heard the way the conflict avoider intends it to be heard. The conflict avoider says one thing but the other person doesn’t understand the emotions it was said with so they hear something else. That leads to distrust. An environment of distrust frequently influences turnover and productivity which then negatively impact profitability. The issues that cause conflicts rarely go away or solve themselves. They usually just get bigger, and bigger, and bigger. They also get more and more expensive.

People being people means there will always be a need for conflict resolution. Conflict comes from differences of opinions, ideas, and perceptions that are exchanged every day. Every Day! That’s a whole lot of opportunity for conflicts to arise. 

So, you’ll either learn to deal with conflict in a constructive way or you will fail as a leader. It’s just that simple.

When handled correctly conflicts actually strengthen an organization. The communication and trust that comes from effective conflict resolution builds trusting relationships between a leader and their people. 

It’s the handling correctly part that causes so many people to avoid conflict. They just don’t know where to begin. 

A great place to begin is with the other person’s interests. Why do they think the way they think? What are their motives? What are their objectives? Put yourself in their shoes and if you do it sincerely you’ll have a much better understanding of their emotions and it’s that understanding that will help you control your own emotions.

Look for solutions, not more conflict. Never forget that even complex problems can have a relatively simple solution when emotions are set aside. Simple doesn’t mean easy but at least simple is doable. 

When dealing with conflict I need to keep three principles from Dale Carnegie’s great book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in mind.

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. If a leader allows an attempt at conflict resolution to turn into an argument then the leader has messed up. They need to reconvene the attempt when emotions have settled down a bit.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Most people will strive to meet the expectations of others. If you go into an attempt at conflict resolution looking for a fight then you are likely to get one. If you are expecting the other person to also seek a positive resolution then they very likely will.

Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Never make a problem bigger than it is. As a leader if you’re trying to influence someone out of a bad idea or a poor practice then make the mistake or idea seem easy to fix. Share examples of your own past mistakes and how your changed your thinking to change the outcome. Encourage them to do the same.

Always show compassion for the other person’s feelings, thoughts and ideas. They may appear totally wrong to you but to the other person they are absolutely right.

If you’re in a leadership position and you practice conflict avoidance then you may have the position but you’re not leading. The next time you have the opportunity to resolve conflict look at it as an opportunity for growth. Work to resolve the issue in a way that demonstrates respect, value, and security for every person involved. 

Conflict doesn’t have to cost, it can be a tremendous opportunity to grow your people while growing your own leadership skills. All it takes it a decision to try.