Tag Listen to Learn

How to be a More Effective Listener

Steve Keating 2 Comments

Many people who claim to want to be better communicators focus almost entirely on speaking more clearly. But effective speaking and effective communicating are two very different things. You cannot communicate effectively if you can’t listen effectively. Truly great communicators know that’s a fact.

The benefits of being a more effective listener cannot be overstated. Not only do effective listeners learn more, they build deeper and longer-lasting relationships. Being a better listener involves both active engagement and a willingness to understand others.

If you’re truly interested in being a better communicator here are some ideas to improve your listening skills.

• Give your full attention. When someone is speaking to you, put away distractions like your phone or other devices. Make eye contact and show that you’re fully present. The person you’re speaking with should be your only focus. They should feel as if they are the most important person in the world to you…because in that moment they truly should be.

• Listen without interrupting. Allow the speaker to express their thoughts without interrupting them. Interrupting can disrupt the flow of conversation and make the speaker feel unheard. If your response to what the speaker has just said is any version of “yes, but…” I can guarantee that you were not fully listening to them. You were figuring out your response before they finished talking.

• Practice empathy. Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and feelings. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel in their situation. As I’ve written before, empathy is a super power that allows you to listen to and connect with someone else in a way that takes communication to a new, much more powerful level.

• Ask clarifying questions. If you’re unsure about something the speaker said, ask for clarification. This shows that you’re actively listening and trying to understand their point of view. Asking a clarifying question does NOT make you look or sound stupid. It demonstrates that you care about what the other person is saying.

• Paraphrase what you heard. After the speaker has finished talking, summarize what they said in your own words. This not only shows that you were listening but also helps clarify any misunderstandings.

• Avoid judgment. Suspend judgment while listening to others. Everyone has their own experiences and perspectives. It’s important to respect that even if you disagree. Remember, if you’re judging what they are saying while they are still saying it then you are not fully listening to their words and their meaning.

• Be patient. Sometimes, people need time to gather their thoughts or express themselves. Be patient and give them the time they need without rushing them. A few moments of silence can be a powerful communication tool. Learn to embrace the pauses and use them to understand what was just said and what you should say next.

• Show non-verbal cues. Use non-verbal cues like nodding your head or making affirmative sounds to show that you’re listening and engaged.

• Practice active listening. Actively engage with the speaker by nodding, smiling, or providing verbal cues like “I see” or “That makes sense.” This encourages the speaker to continue sharing.

• Reflect on your own listening habits. Take time to reflect on your listening habits and identify areas for improvement. Are there times when you tend to zone out or interrupt? Being aware of these tendencies can help you become a better listener.

• Ask three people who know you well what you can do to be a better listener. Then, and this is key, DO WHAT THEY SUGGEST YOU DO. Do not argue, do not dismiss, just do it. If you’ve asked the right people their input will be invaluable. And…you might not like this one…if you are married, one of those three people should be your spouse. And remember the “do not argue, do not dismiss part. 🙂

Listening is a skill and by definition skills can be developed through effort and practice. Your life will change for the better when you become a more effective listener. It is highly likely you’ll also improve the lives of those around you when they realize how much you value what they have to say.

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Becoming a Listener Who Actually Listens

Steve Keating 2 Comments

For many years I sold the Dale Carnegie Course on Effective Communications and Human Relations. Many of the people who enrolled in that course wanted to be better speakers and presenters. I reminded them that there was a lot more to being a better presenter than just speaking well. I often got the sense that they weren’t listening to me.

And that was going to create huge challenges for them in becoming an effective presenter. It would also greatly hinder their chances of being an effective communicator. Here’s the reality in today’s world…most people simply don’t listen. They already know enough. Their mind is already made up. They have no desire to have their thinking muddled up with facts.

So instead of actually communicating with someone they try to “out talk” them. Actual communication requires a great deal of listening. That’s a challenge for people because listening often requires a gap in the conversation. People think that pausing the conversation for a few seconds to linger upon the words of the speaker makes them seem stupid.

That causes people to be thinking about their response before the other person is done speaking. YOU CANNOT FULLY LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR RESPONSE IS GOING TO BE.

Truly effective communicators are willing to risk looking stupid so that they can actually be smart.

Listening is literally two-thirds of effective communication. So let’s talk about listening.

Being a better listener is a valuable skill that can improve your relationships, communication, and understanding of others. Here are some ideas on how to become a better listener.

• When someone is speaking to you, make a conscious effort to focus on what they are saying.

• Eliminate distractions, put away your phone, and create a quiet, conducive environment for the conversation.

• Eye contact conveys that you are engaged and interested in the conversation.

• It also helps you read the speaker’s non-verbal cues and emotions.

• Allow the speaker to finish their thoughts before responding.

• Interrupting can be seen as disrespectful and disrupts the flow of the conversation.

• Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and emotions.

• Use verbal and non-verbal cues, such as nodding and facial expressions, to show that you are empathetic.

• Position your body in a way that is open and welcoming, signaling your receptiveness to the speaker.

• Avoid crossed arms, which can appear defensive.

• Reflect back what the speaker is saying to confirm your understanding.

• Use phrases like, “So, what I’m hearing is…” or “If I understand correctly…”

• If something is unclear or you need more information, ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to elaborate.

• Suspend judgment and preconceived notions about the speaker or their topic.

• Be open to different perspectives and experiences.

• Let the speaker take their time to express themselves fully.

• Avoid rushing the conversation or finishing their sentences.

• Stay in the moment and avoid thinking about your response while the other person is speaking.

• This can help you fully absorb the information and respond more thoughtfully.

• Keep your emotions in check and remain calm during the conversation.

• If you become emotional, it can be challenging to listen effectively.

• After the conversation, follow up on any commitments or promises you made during the discussion.

• This shows that you take the conversation seriously and are reliable.

• Ask for feedback from the speaker on how well you listened.

• Use this feedback to improve your listening skills further.

It is no coincidence that the most successful people are often also the most effective listeners. That success transcends business to positively impact every area of their lives. Becoming a better listener is an ongoing process that requires practice and self-awareness. By consistently applying these ideas, you can improve your listening skills and build stronger, more meaningful relationships with others…in business and in life.

Why Listening Well is Such a Big Deal

Steve Keating 3 Comments

People who listen well do well. They do well in most every area of their life. They do especially well in their relationships. Whether it’s professional or personal relationships you’ll be more approachable when you make the effort to listen to others intently. 

Here are some ways that listening well can help build and maintain relationships.

When you listen well, it shows the other person that you care about their thoughts and feelings. This can help build trust in the relationship, as the other person feels heard and understood. Many times when someone asks for help the only “help” they need is for someone to listen to them. Really listen. 

That’s why focused, active listening is often one of the kindest things you can do for someone. All it takes is an open heart, a good ear, and an investment of time. 

Good listening skills can help prevent misunderstandings by ensuring that you have a clear understanding of what the other person is saying. This can help you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on incomplete information. If your reply to what another person says is “yes but” then it’s likely you weren’t completely listening to them. It’s probable that you were at least partially planning your reply while they were still talking.

Listening well requires you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see things from their perspective. This can enhance your empathy for them and help you better understand their feelings and experiences. Empathy is a skill that can be developed through practice. Empathy is vital to relationships with people who are different than you because once you understand their emotions and life experiences you’ll find you have far less need to judge them. 

Active listening is an effective tool for resolving conflicts. It allows both parties to express their feelings and concerns in a supportive environment. By listening well, you can work together to find common ground and come up with solutions that meet everyone’s needs.

Good listening skills help deepen your connection with the other person. It shows them that you value their thoughts and feelings. This can lead to a stronger and more meaningful relationship over time.

We all know that listening well is an essential skill for building and maintaining healthy relationships. By taking the time to truly listen to others, you can build trust. You reduce misunderstandings. You enhance empathy. You resolve conflicts, and even stop them before they start. You strengthen your connections with others in very significant ways.

Listening is a skill you can develop over time. Funny thing is, it’s a very challenging skill to learn while holding a cell phone in your hand. It’s almost like a cell phone is Kryptonite to listening skills. So the first two steps to become a better listener are one, find the off button on your cell phone. Two, use it. 

Not only will you be a better listener, you’ll be amazed at how many other positive differences that will make in your life too.

Want more of LeadToday? I’m changing things up on my Twitter feed for subscribers. On March 2nd I began publishing two videos each week focusing on an element of Authentic Leadership. I’ll post these videos each Tuesday and Thursday morning. They will be about 10 minutes long so we can get into the topic in a more meaningful way. The investment for subscribers in still only $5 a month. That’s for at least 80 MINUTES of quality video content on leadership a month. 

If you’re interested in taking a look head on over to my Twitter profile page. If you’re not a follower yet just hit the follow button. It will change to a subscribe button and once you hit that you’re on your way. You can cancel at any time you’ve decided you have nothing left to learn about leading the people who you count on for your success. 🙂

Here’s the link to my Twitter… https://twitter.com/leadtoday 

Listening Days

Steve Keating 3 Comments

I speak often on the importance of listening well. I believe that listening well is every bit as important to communication as speaking well. Many would say listening is even more important because listening informs us about how we should speak if we want to be listened to. 

Considering how important I believe listening is you might get the idea that I’m a very good listener. I’m likely better than average but I have a long way to go before I can say “very good.”

But I’m working on it. 

Before you decide that you’re a “good enough” listener you must realize what that means. “Good enough” means you’re settling for something that likely isn’t very good. It also means that it is possible you’re not willing to put in the effort required to be better. Sadly, it means you’re content going through life not really knowing and understanding what is happening around you. It means you’ll become involved in arguments because you missed the intent of a person’s words.

In short, being a “good enough” listener means you’re missing a whole bunch of life. 

But you can work on being better too. 

Your journey to listening better begins by admitting you can be a better listener. Being a better listener requires that we understand hearing is a passive activity and listening is an intentional one. Listening well requires focus. It requires that we linger on the words being spoken to us long enough to understand their meaning and intent. 

Listening well requires that we indeed listen to understand rather than listening to respond. It requires that we acknowledge that we can’t listen and talk at the same time. We can’t even listen and think about our response at the same time. We can’t listen and be fiddling with our phones at the same time. We can’t listen to someone and watch TV at the same time. 

Do you see a pattern here yet? You can’t do anything else and be focused on listening well.

If you think you can then I’m sorry to say you’re not being honest with yourself. 

I’ve started setting aside whole days to focus on listening. The people around me may not realize what I’m doing. The people I’m in meetings with may even think I’m not engaged. What they don’t realize is that I’m completely and totally focused on every word they are saying and how they are saying them. I’d made the decision before the meeting ever started that the day would be a listening day. I will speak only when I have something of absolute value to add. 

I’m sure since I’ve started this that people are “wondering” about me. They wonder what is wrong. That kinda makes me smile because the fact is, nothing is wrong. I’m just working hard to make sure I’ve heard everything exactly right. 

My listening days are helping me learn more. I’ve never learned anything while I was talking so talking less increases my opportunity to learn. I’m trying to make the most of those. 

I’ve often said that hearing is a gift from God but listening is a choice He gives us. It’s a choice I’m trying to make more often. I hope you’ll join me in the pursuit of better listening, we will all be better off for making the effort. 

Before you go…some of you know that I’ve been trying out something relatively new over on Twitter. It’s called SuperFollow. That means I post some tweets that are for subscribers only. The tweets I post for subscribers are video only. I post two each weekday, mostly on leadership but also sales and living a better life in general. I’m also way more available for questions from SuperFollowers than I can be for the million plus regular Twitter followers. The investment to see these “SuperTweets” is $4.99 a month, that’s about 17 cents a day. The videos continue to grow in popularity so clearly a lot of people think they are worthwhile. 

I don’t get to keep the entire $4.99. Twitter of course gets some, Apple, for reasons I don’t entirely understand, gets an even bigger chunk than Twitter. What’s left after that ALL goes to charity. So you can help yourself with pretty good video coaching and make a difference in the world too. This month the charity is very very close to my heart. All the proceeds are going to help kids with Down Syndrome. 

You can find more information by clicking the Super Follow button on my Twitter profile page IN THE TWITTER APP. http://twitter.com/leadtoday Give it a try if you’re so inclined, and if you are, be sure to let me know how I’m doing and how I can be of even more help.

The Most Important Part of Communication 

Steve Keating 3 Comments

I used to sell a training course on communication. The course was literally world famous and is still taken by thousands and thousands of people each year all over the world. Most of the people who sign up for the course claim to want to become better communicators but what they really want is to be better speakers. 

There is a big difference between being a better speaker and a better communicator. They learn the difference in the very first week of that 12 week class. They discover that there are two parts to communication. Talking, which is what they signed up to learn, and listening, which they think they are already good at. 

The best communicators understand the difference between a dialogue and a monologue. They know that when they listen they learn. They linger on the words of the person speaking until they are certain that they understand their intent. 

The best communicators listen more than they talk. They know that saying something is no guarantee that it was heard. So they ask checking questions to ensure the person they are communicating with both heard and understood what was said. 

Great communicators don’t talk to another person, they talk with them. The difference in word choice and tone of voice allows for the possibility of real communication to take place. 

When I hear someone say that they learn a lot by talking to other people I immediately question (to myself) their communication skills. That’s because no one learns anything by talking. When we talk we are repeating what we already know, or think we know. It is when we stop talking to listen that we actually learn. When I hear someone say they learn a lot by listening to other people that’s when I know I’m talking with a good communicator. 

Here’s one surefire way you can be a better communicator this very day… put down the darn phone. I know it’s called a smart phone but if it was really smart it would shut itself off when it detected another life form within 3 feet of you. 

The number one cause of poor communication is distraction. The biggest distraction most of us deal with day in and day out is the hunk of electronics almost permanently attached to our hands. 

You cannot text and listen. You cannot watch videos and truly listen to another person. You can’t play whatever game you’re currently fascinated with and give another person’s words the attention they deserve. 

You cannot communicate if you’re not listening. Listening is the most important part of communication. Listening is the key that unlocks the words you need to use to deliver your message in a way that will be heard. Sometimes listening to another person speak is all you need to do to make a significant difference in their life. 

When you become a better listener you become a better person. You become better informed. You become a better friend, spouse and parent. 

You can be better in all those areas by making a decision to talk less and listen more. You may even discover that when you listen with complete attention you actually have nothing meaningful to add to the conversation. That’s when you know you’re truly a great communicator. 

When Leaders Don’t Listen

Steve Keating 4 Comments

It’s great to work with a leader who knows a lot. It’s absolutely terrible to work for a leader who knows it all. 

I want you to pay particular to the wording of those two sentences. When a leader knows a lot they work WITH their people to create an environment of growth and success. When a leader knows it all they tend to be far more “boss” like than leader like. They don’t work with their people, they expect their people to work FOR them. 

Leaders who believe they already know it all don’t listen to their people. They don’t need to because the only reason anyone actually listens is to learn something. When you have nothing to learn you have no need to listen. 

It’s bad for anyone not to listen. The most successful people learn something new almost every single day. Much of what they learn they learn by listening. When people in leadership positions don’t listen the results can be disastrous. 

Leaders who don’t listen demoralize their people. Leaders who don’t listen have no way of knowing how to help their people stay motivated. Leaders who don’t listen have no way of showing their people that they care. Leaders who don’t listen will never earn the commitment of their people. 

Leaders who don’t listen have to rely on compliance instead of commitment. They will need to try and force productivity out of their people. They may eventually get some work out of them but the quality and quantity of that work will be less than idea.

Compliance will never take an organization and it’s people to the places where commitment can go. 

It is nearly impossible to become a great leader without being a great communicator. But leaders who don’t listen think communication is only about talking. So they talk and talk and talk. They tell people what to think, they tell them how to think it, and they tell them when to think it. 

Communication is also about listening. In fact, communication is mostly about listening. 

Leaders who do listen give themselves a chance to learn. They give themselves the opportunity to receive information from multiple sources and break it down into actionable tasks. 

Leaders who practice the art of listening receive feedback on their own performance as well as unbiased input about the performance of all members of their team. It allows them to create a truly inclusive organization based on performance not favoritism. 

Leaders who are willing to listen learn exactly how to show their people that they care about them. They know the strengths and weaknesses of their people and they find positions for them where they can succeed. 

Hearing is a gift from God but listening is a choice. Authentic Leaders make the choice to listen to their people, to their customers, to anyone who might help them lead even a little better. 

Have you made the choice to listen? If not it’s a simple choice, just look in the mirror and tell the person looking back that they have a lot to learn. Then start talking less and listening more because when it comes to listening one thing is certain…. if you’re talking then you’re most certainly NOT listening. 

Listening is Free

Steve Keating 7 Comments

I’m not sure if anyone has noticed but the world, yep, not only the US but the entire world seems divided right now. Never in my lifetime has the divide between different groups of people been wider.

Even in times of World Wars the divide was not as great as it is right now. Even during the World Wars people agreed on more things than they do today. Governments started those wars, not the people of the countries that were dragged into them.

But today is different. The universal language is one of hate. We throw the word hate around as if it almost has no real meaning. People claim to hate people who hate. “We” all hate all the hating going on these days.

We make slogans and signs about who and what matters. We talk about what must change and who must change. I’m struck by the number of people who “demand” immediate change yet refuse to look in the mirror to see if there is any change they could make personally.

Abraham Lincoln is famous for saying many things but one thing he said might be more applicable today than even the day he said it. When commenting on someone he was not particularly fond of he said, “I do not like that man. I need to get to know him better.”

Lincoln knew what too many people today seemingly have forgotten. That is that we human beings have far more in common than we give ourselves credit for. We can focus on the things that draw us together or we can focus on the things the push us apart. That’s a choice.

But that won’t happen until we do something else that seems to be a thing of the past.

That “thing” is called listening.

I mean real listening. Not reading someone’s social media posts. Not hearing some filtered version of what somebody thinks or what someone said someone said someone said. It’s a sad commentary on the world we live in but if you didn’t hear someone say it yourself then you might want to have some doubts about whether or not it was actually said.

Plus…don’t only listen to people who agree with you! Invite conversations with people who have vastly different views and life experiences than you. Do not think them wrong simply because their views are different than yours. Don’t talk to them, talk with them to determine where your views overlap. Build on that overlap!

I take great comfort from talking with people who share my views and beliefs. I like talking to my family and friends. But whatever growth I experience at this point in life comes from talking with people who frankly might not be my first choice to talk with.

You and I do not have to like the people who see the world differently than we do but we do need to understand how they view their life. We need to understand that if our life experiences were identical to theirs that our views would likely be identical too.

Most of all we need to get to know them better. The more we know about people the less chance there will be that we judge them. I want to say that again….the more you know about someone the less chance there is that you will judge them.

Listen more. Listen with your heart and your mind WIDE open. Listening is free but it just might be that it liberates you from hate. Listening is one of those things that while free it is also priceless!

Listening, really listening to different views could save you great pain. It could save your Country severe turmoil. Listening, truly truly listening to one another might even save the world.