Tag Communication

The Scourge  of Triangular Communication

Steve Keating 13 Comments

I wrote a few weeks ago about what I call “Whispered Thoughts,” those quiet little hallway conversations that are intended to be private but seldom are. They do great damage to an organization and the people involved, both the whisperer and the whispered to.

Triangular Communication is even worse. People often whisper their thoughts as a way of venting, they often mean no harm even though they can cause great harm. Triangular Communication is strategic, it is at best misguided and at worst intentionally destructive. 

Here’s one example of what Triangular Communication looks like in the workplace. Let’s say “the boss” tells me to do something and I think it’s wrong, stupid, or I just don’t want to do it. I want the boss to know but I don’t have the courage to say it directly. So I decide, yes, it’s a conscious choice, to triangularly communicate. 

I find “a pal,” who I can share my opinion with. I have to choose this person very carefully, they must have one outstanding quality, there can be no compromise on this particular quality. They must absolutely agree with me. 

The last thing I need is for this person to agree with is “the boss” and stop my negative momentum.  I need this person to reinforce my thoughts and opinions about whatever it is I think is stupid or wrong. 

I also need this person to tell someone else what I think. It would close the triangular communication sooner if they told the boss directly but it doesn’t really matter who they tell. Eventually they will tell someone who will tell the boss and my triangular communication will be complete. Maybe it’s someone who they told that will tell someone who will tell the boss but it’s all the same, the message got back to the boss and that’s what I needed. 

If that last sentence is hard to follow then good, because that’s how I intended it to be. Triangular Communication takes what should be a straight-forward conversation and turns it inside out and upside down. Look at the mess this just caused, I polluted at least one person’s attitude; they almost certainly polluted others and it just goes on and on. Triangular Communication just possibly might be the greatest productivity killer in any business or organization today.

Triangular Communication might start more rumors in organizations and businesses than any other thing we could say or do. That’s because as my “message” is passed from one person to another it changes. It goes from “the boss doesn’t think I sharpen my axe often enough” to “the boss is an axe murderer” in a few brief exchanges. 

No matter how many people became involved in my triangle only two people could resolve the issue, that would be me and “the boss.” 

Now it might not be the boss at the top of the triangle, it could be a co-worker, spouse, family member, almost anyone. All that is required is the “you” in the triangle to lack the courage to speak directly to the person at the top of it. It also helps if you just don’t give a rip about the collateral damage you cause while communicating in such a childish manner.

If you can’t muster the courage to speak up then find the courage to keep quiet. You and everyone around you will be better off for your effort, no matter which one you choose.

Do You Do the Waffle?

Steve Keating 8 Comments

Effective use of language is the start of effective communication. While there are additional tools like our eyes, heart and experience that we use to communicate; it all really begins with the language or words that we use.  How well a person communicates will often determine their level of success. You can have the greatest idea in the world but if you can’t find a way to communicate it to others it will likely never get off the ground. 

Successful people know how to talk with their audiences when giving presentations. Even if it’s a one-on-one meeting, you are still giving a presentation, and the same rules apply as if the meeting was a large keynote before hundreds of people.

All too often, our speaking skills distort our images as capable, knowledgeable professionals. We hem and haw, trying to find the right word. We may even discount ourselves and our ideas without realizing it, or we might unknowingly offend others with our language. Descriptive, simple language and short sentences are best.

One key to effectively using your language, whether it’s English, French, German or Pirahã, is to avoid the use of waffle words.

Certain expressions, phrases and words can rob people of their “communication power.” These “Waffle Words” should be avoided. Verbal communication shortcomings can detract from your confidence, authority and professionalism. A few examples of waffle words are:

“I guess”, “I hope”, “I think”, “Maybe”, “Sort of”, “Kind of” and “Probably” 

It’s pretty easy to get into the bad habit of inserting these waffle words into our sentences as “filler.” If you pay attention to what you’re really saying you may be surprised how often you use these Waffle Words. 

Instead of saying these things out of habit, be aware of what you say and create new, more effective habits when you speak. 

Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.” 

Make sure your habits are good ones.

Watch What You Write

Steve Keating 14 Comments

We have all heard “watch what you say.” I can’t say with certainty but I’d bet my mom was the first person to say it to me. 

We all know that once something is said there is no way to “unsay” it and the effects of one ill timed comment can last a very long time.

So, most of the time anyway, we are careful with the words we choose and the tone in which we say them. Sometimes we are so “careful” that we decide not to “say” words at all, we write them. 

There was a time, ages ago as I recall, where we found some paper and something to write with and we took the time to really write out our thoughts, on paper, and then in one fashion or another, deliver the paper to the intended person.

Oh, the good ol’ days!

I think the time it took to find the paper, find a pen or pencil, address the letter, and mail it saved us a lot grief. That time allowed us to really consider our words, to carefully think about how our words might “sound” to the person reading them. 

Today, we can zip off an email in literally seconds. We type out the first thought that comes to mind and let ‘er rip! Email, and even worse, text messages, have become a “damn the torpedoes, full stream ahead” kind of communication. We write what’s on our mind, exactly what’s on our mind because we can. 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be honest in our electronic communications, what I am saying is that they should be written exactly as if you were going to read it to the person face-to-face. That thought alone would slow a lot of us down.

We need to realize that even our writing has a “tone” and that “tone” is very often misunderstood by the person reading our message. It would also help if we accepted FULL responsibility for our message and didn’t lay blame on the other person for misunderstanding us. 

Push yourself to be a better communicator. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself how will they interpret my message? Use many of the same verbal communication “rules” you use today. Don’t always say the first thing that comes to mind and don’t say it when you’re angry. 

If you think it would be a bad idea to say it out loud then you should also realize that it is actually even worse to put it in writing. People might only hear you say something once but they can read your words over and over and over. 

Which brings me to my final point. Don’t be a chicken writer! Don’t use email, and for heavens sake, don’t use text messages for difficult conversations. Deliver tough news in person where the other person can feel your empathy. 

Parts of you, the real authentic you, often has a hard time escaping your writing. No matter how good your writing skills are they will never be as good at delivering your message as you will be in person. 

No Communication, No Leadership

Steve Keating 8 Comments

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I once heard a top executive at a major corporation say “my job is to keep people guessing. If they know what I’m thinking or what I want them to do, then I’m not doing my job.”

This guy was a VP at 3 companies that are well known and respected around the world by the age of 40; he is now the President of one of the world’s leading manufacturing companies so you might say it’s hard to argue with his results. But in my humble (ok, so maybe it’s not so humble) opinion his methods were awful. Awful enough that he can’t seem to sustain himself at a company for more than a handful of years.

I had the opportunity to watch him up close when we worked together several years ago. His methods burned bridges it didn’t build them, his methods not only didn’t build relationships, it stymied them. He deliberately kept his people at arms length and worst of all, he made a deliberate decision to NOT communicate with them.

When someone in a leadership position fails to communicate many negative things begin to happen, morale slides almost immediately, followed quickly by productivity.

I have a theory as to why that happens; I think people have this “information space” inside of them and that space needs to be constantly filled. If it’s not filled with accurate information from say a leader for instance, then they will find a way to fill it themselves. What they normally fill it with are what we call rumors. Rumors are interesting things, they don’t have to be true, they don’t have to be positive, in fact, all they have to do is fill up that space.

One of the many problems with rumors is that they don’t fill us for long so we always tend to be on the lookout for a new rumor to fill the space. It’s all this searching for a new rumor that tends to kill productivity and it’s the content of the rumors that tend to kill morale. (did you ever notice that most rumors are about bad stuff?)

An authentic leader knows that information is the enemy of rumor. They consistently share every bit of information, company news and financial results that they legally are allowed to share. Authentic leaders communicate well because they know that their people also have a profound interest in the well being and direction of the company, just like they do.

Authentic leaders are intentional in their communications, not trying to communicate in their free time (as if there is such a thing) but scheduling time to make certain that communications are clear, accurate, concise and most of all, consistent.

People seldom follow blindly, so if you hope to lead you’re going to have to tell them where you’re leading them. You’ll have to tell them the what, why, where, and how of your leadership. It really comes down to this: if you can communicate well with your people they may follow, if you can’t or won’t communicate then they might be behind you but they are almost certainly not following.

I can’t finish this post without also pointing out that truly effective communication is a two-way street, so while you’re communicating be sure to pause often enough to ensure what you’ve said has been heard and understood. An authentic leader will never mistake silence for agreement. Encourage open and honest feedback from your people, they will help you to grow as a leader if you’ll let them.

Communicate today, it’s a basic requirement of authentic leadership!