Tag Communication for Success

Prospering from Difficult Conversations

Steve Keating 1 Comment

No one enjoys difficult conversations. But skilled communicators and Authentic Leaders have them anyway. They know that avoiding difficult conversations helps no one.  They know that avoidance makes whatever situation is driving the need for the conversation worse. 

Having difficult conversations is an important skill to develop.  Especially if you want to have healthy relationships with others. Here are some ideas for making difficult conversations a little less difficult. 

  • Choose the right time and place. It’s important to choose a time and place where both you and the other person feel comfortable and safe to have a conversation. Make sure it’s a private space where you won’t be interrupted. But…if you’re in a position of authority the space should be neutral. Just because your office might be comfortable for you it may be anything but for the other person. That desk you sit behind is often an impenetrable wall between you and the person you’re trying to have the conversation with. If the space isn’t safe and comfortable for both parties involved in the conversation then it’s not a safe and comfortable space at all. 
  • Be clear about the issue. Before you start the conversation, take some time to think about what you want to say. Be crystal clear about the issue at hand. Try to focus on the behavior or action that’s causing the problem. Avoid making personal attacks. Be specific. Don’t use “waffle words.” Don’t use a bigger word than you need to make your point. Your goal in the conversation is not to show off your extensive vocabulary, it’s to communicate clearly. 
  • Listen actively. When you’re having a difficult conversation, it’s important to listen actively to the other person’s perspective. Try to understand where they’re coming from and show empathy for their feelings. If your reply to anything the other person says begins with, “yes but,” then it’s likely you’re not fully listening. It’s likely you were preparing your pithy response instead. Check yourself here; effective listening is every bit as important as anything you may say. 
  • Stay calm and respectful. It’s natural to feel emotional during a difficult conversation, but it’s important to stay calm and respectful. Avoid attacking the other person or becoming defensive. Never allow your passion to become an excuse for losing control of your emotions. 
  • Offer solutions. Instead of just pointing out the problem, offer solutions or suggestions for how to move forward. This can help to create a sense of collaboration and can lead to a more positive outcome. The great Dale Carnegie says to “make the fault seem easy to correct.” Never never never make a mountain out of a molehill. 
  • Follow up. After the conversation, it’s important to follow up and check in with the other person to make sure they’re okay and to see if any further action is needed. Very few difficult conversations are a “one and done” type of communication. Stay connected and make sure that all agreements made, no matter who made them, are being followed through on. 

Having difficult conversations takes practice, but it’s a valuable skill to have. With time and experience, you can become more confident in your ability to communicate effectively. You’ll navigate challenging conversations with much less stress.

Authentic Leaders don’t dodge difficult conversations. They use them to help their people and their organizations grow and prosper. Once you can do that there isn’t much that can get in the way your success.

Want more of LeadToday? I’ve changed things up on my Twitter feed for subscribers. I recently began publishing two or three videos each week focusing on an element of Authentic Leadership. I’ll post these videos each Tuesday and Thursday morning. Sometimes a bonus video pops up at other times during the week. They will be about 10 minutes long so we can get into the topic in a more meaningful way. The investment for subscribers in still only $4.99 a month. That’s for at least 80 MINUTES of quality video content on leadership a month.

If you’re interested in taking a look, head on over to my Twitter profile page. If you’re not a follower yet just hit the follow button. It will change to a subscribe button and once you hit that you’re on your way. You can cancel at any time you’ve decided you have nothing left to learn about leading the people who you count on for your success.

Here’s the link to my Twitter… https://twitter.com/leadtoday

The Trap of Lazy Communication

Steve Keating 1 Comment

There are a lot of ways a leader, people in general actually, can cause communication to go sideways. Perhaps the biggest is simply not communicating often enough. Assuming people know what you’re thinking and therefore you don’t need to communicate much, is often the fatal flaw of what could have been a successful leadership tenure.

Another huge mistake is assuming that simply because they delivered a message it was received. Believing that what you said is the same as what other people heard has caused more problems then we could ever list here. World War One was basically started over a miscommunication. If you have ever been part of a conversation where the other person said “well you said this” and you responded with a “no, I didn’t say that” then you have been involved in a miscommunication.

Still another mistake is thinking that effective communication is a 50-50 proposition. If you do your part to talk and listen well and the other person does their part to do the same then you’ll always have successful communication. But let’s look at that another way, each of you giving 50% effort will result in crystal clear communication? Really? 

The most successful communications happen when both parties accept 100% responsibility for the success of the communication process. Both parties choose their words to help the other person understand exactly what they are trying to say. If one side of the communication is trying to use “big” words to sound more impressive then they are limiting the success of the communication. I’d rather be thought of as a simpleton who communicates very well than a genius who can’t get their point across. 

Both sides of a communication must listen intently, lingering on the words of the speaker until they are 100% certain they understand the message they were intended to convey. If not, it is the listener’s responsibility to ask for clarification. But…it is also the speaker’s responsibility to ask the listener if they “got it” before continuing the conversation. That’s the 100-100 proposition of effective communication. 

These “rules for clarity” also apply to written communication. Don’t assume because you wrote something with one meaning in mind that your reader will interpret it in the same way. Remember, readers can’t see your body language. They can’t hear your tone of voice and they have no idea how hard your hitting those keys on your keyboard. 

Here’s a pretty darn good rule for effective written communication. NEVER send a text or email while you’re angry. One night’s sleep can make for a much more measured response and a response that you’re much less likely to regret. 

So here’s the thing about this entire post. I’d be shocked if there is anything in this post you don’t already know. That’s the case with most of my posts. The question is, as always, are you using what you know? Do you often skip some, or most, of those “rules for clarity?” Do you assign 50% of the responsibility for successful communication to someone else? Are you assuming that because you said it “they” heard it? 

It’s easy to get lazy in our communication with other people. That laziness often puts us in a hole that can be hard to get out of. Don’t dig yourself a hole. Think a few seconds before you say it or write it. Listen to it with the other person’s ears. Read it with their eyes. Put yourself in their shoes and ask how you would reply if someone said that to you. AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF ABOUT THAT! 

Effective communication is the heart of successful relationships. Be they business oriented or very personal in nature, the best communicators have the best relationships. Always been that way and I suspect it always will be that way. 

Think about it. 

Want more of LeadToday? I’m changing things up on my Twitter feed for subscribers. On March 2nd I began publishing two videos each week focusing on an element of Authentic Leadership. I’ll post these videos each Tuesday and Thursday morning. They will be about 10 minutes long so we can get into the topic in a more meaningful way. The investment for subscribers in still only $5 a month. That’s for at least 80 MINUTES of quality video content on leadership a month. 

If you’re interested in taking a look head on over to my Twitter profile page. If you’re not a follower yet just hit the follow button. It will change to a subscribe button and once you hit that you’re on your way. You can cancel at any time you’ve decided you have nothing left to learn about leading the people who you count on for your success. 🙂

Here’s the link to my Twitter… https://twitter.com/leadtoday 

The Forgotten Part of Communication 

Steve Keating 2 Comments

Authentic Leaders know that they lead by example. Lesser leaders lead by example too, it’s just that they frequently don’t realize it. Both Authentic and lesser leaders know that effective communication is an essential tool of leadership. The difference is, Authentic Leaders talk with the people they lead and lesser leaders talk to the people they try to lead. 

Many leaders also often forget that communication is made up of three parts. Talking and listening are the first two parts. Authentic Leaders listen at least as much as they talk. Lesser Leaders usually talk a lot more than they listen. 

But it’s the third part of communication that is most often forgotten by both Authentic and Lesser Leaders. What separates the two groups is that Authentic Leaders forget the third leg of effective communication less than other leaders. 

The third leg of effective communication is action. As in, “walking your talk.” 

So let me ask you this. Do your actions match the words that come out of your mouth? Do you expect your people to do as you say? If you do, and your words and actions don’t match, you’ll have a very difficult time ever gaining the commitment of your people. That’s important because absent that commitment you will be unable to ever get your people to fully follow you. 

It is vital if you hope to effectively lead that you understand this basic fact of leadership. Your people will do what you do 10,000 times faster than they will do what you say. When you say something to the people you lead then you have completed part one of the communication process. When your people hear what you have said (Authentic Leaders by the way, verify with their people that what they said was what their people heard) then part two has been completed. That’s where many leaders stop. They forget about part three. 

After your people hear what you said they begin “listening” with their eyes. They want to see if what you said is what you do. They want to see if your actions match the actions you asked them to take. They what to see if the policies you just asked them to follow will also be followed by you. 

What they see after listening has much more impact than what they heard while listening. 

When there is a gap between what was heard and what was seen there will be a corresponding gap in the credibility of the leader. That gap separates a leader from the people they are trying to lead. That lack of credibility in one area causes gaps of credible in every area. 

That’s why it is so vital that anyone hoping to be an Authentic Leader realize that there are three parts to the communication process. The part most often forgotten may be the most important one. 

If you want to earn the right to Authentically Lead and the commitment of your people that comes with that right, then your words and actions much match. It’s as simple as that. It’s as challenging as that. 

If you have the discipline to match your words with actions then you have the discipline to change the lives of the people you lead in a very positive way. So before you say something have a plan for how you’ll “show” the same thing. 

On a another note… Everyone can use a “nudge” towards success. I’m trying something new on Twitter. It’s called “Super Followers.” For $5 a month, that’s 17 cents a day, people can follow a part of my Twitter stream that is for subscribers only. It features short videos of me discussing leadership topics, sales tips and ideas for better overall relationships. I’m assuming there will be far fewer Super Followers than the million or so people who regularly follow me on Twitter. That will give me the opportunity to answer questions more throughly than I can on regular Twitter. Most of the answers will come in the evening cause we all have day jobs, right? Think of it as ”mentoring on demand!”

My goal with SuperFollowers is to build a better connection, one where I can help more and have a greater impact. I’m hoping it gives me a chance to mentor to a wider audience. It’s still new, we’ll see how it works. It’s a $5 dollar investment that may be the extra “push” you need to get to where you want to be. I’d be honored to be able to help get you there. 

You can find more information by clicking the Super Follow button on my Twitter profile page IN THE TWITTER APP. http://twitter.com/leadtoday Give it a try if you’re so inclined, and if you are, be sure to let me know how I’m doing and how I can be of even more help.

The Most Important Part of Communication 

Steve Keating 3 Comments

I used to sell a training course on communication. The course was literally world famous and is still taken by thousands and thousands of people each year all over the world. Most of the people who sign up for the course claim to want to become better communicators but what they really want is to be better speakers. 

There is a big difference between being a better speaker and a better communicator. They learn the difference in the very first week of that 12 week class. They discover that there are two parts to communication. Talking, which is what they signed up to learn, and listening, which they think they are already good at. 

The best communicators understand the difference between a dialogue and a monologue. They know that when they listen they learn. They linger on the words of the person speaking until they are certain that they understand their intent. 

The best communicators listen more than they talk. They know that saying something is no guarantee that it was heard. So they ask checking questions to ensure the person they are communicating with both heard and understood what was said. 

Great communicators don’t talk to another person, they talk with them. The difference in word choice and tone of voice allows for the possibility of real communication to take place. 

When I hear someone say that they learn a lot by talking to other people I immediately question (to myself) their communication skills. That’s because no one learns anything by talking. When we talk we are repeating what we already know, or think we know. It is when we stop talking to listen that we actually learn. When I hear someone say they learn a lot by listening to other people that’s when I know I’m talking with a good communicator. 

Here’s one surefire way you can be a better communicator this very day… put down the darn phone. I know it’s called a smart phone but if it was really smart it would shut itself off when it detected another life form within 3 feet of you. 

The number one cause of poor communication is distraction. The biggest distraction most of us deal with day in and day out is the hunk of electronics almost permanently attached to our hands. 

You cannot text and listen. You cannot watch videos and truly listen to another person. You can’t play whatever game you’re currently fascinated with and give another person’s words the attention they deserve. 

You cannot communicate if you’re not listening. Listening is the most important part of communication. Listening is the key that unlocks the words you need to use to deliver your message in a way that will be heard. Sometimes listening to another person speak is all you need to do to make a significant difference in their life. 

When you become a better listener you become a better person. You become better informed. You become a better friend, spouse and parent. 

You can be better in all those areas by making a decision to talk less and listen more. You may even discover that when you listen with complete attention you actually have nothing meaningful to add to the conversation. That’s when you know you’re truly a great communicator. 

Successful Communication

Steve Keating 9 Comments

Good communicators know that just because something was said doesn’t mean it was heard. Great communicators know that even if it was heard it doesn’t mean it was understood. 

Lack of communication can be deadly for an organization, most people realize that. What some people, and unfortunately some leaders, don’t understand is that miscommunication can be just as deadly. Wars, including world wars, have literally been caused by miscommunication. 

One cause of miscommunication is an ill informed communicator. One thing I often tell people who want to be a better presenter is that if you know what you’re talking about there is no need to be nervous. I also tell them that if you don’t know what you’re talking about there is no need to be talking. 

Even well informed communicators can sometimes miscommunicate. But the very best communicators don’t. They consistently apply the following four principles for successful communication. 

First they simplify their message. They skip the lingo and use easy to understand words and phrases. They don’t use more words than required. They don’t use four syllable words when a two syllable word will do. Lessor communicators want to be impressive. Great communicators want to make an impression. 

The best communicators see the person or people they are talking with. Notice I said talk “with.” They do not talk to and they certainly don’t talk at people. They know their audience and try hard to speak in the interests of those people. 

Great communicators know that the communication doesn’t end when they leave the stage or meeting room. They know people will be watching them to determine if what they said was the truth. So they don’t only speak the truth, they show it as well. Their actions match their words. Those actions reinforce and bring their message to life. Their actions add integrity not only to the words just spoken but to their future words too. 

Top communicators know that a good dialogue is better than the best monologue. So they engage their listeners and seek a response that indicates what they said matches what was heard. They ask a question or two to determine if what was heard was also understand. 

They accept 100% responsibility for the success of the communication. They never assume because they said something that real communication has taken place. 

Communication is a skill and by definition a skill is something that can be developed. But that development depends on a desire to in fact become a more effective communicator. Effective communication is a vital skill for an Authentic Leader. Successful communication leads to successful outcomes. 

Decide today that you will develop your communication skills and the people who you lead will thank you tomorrow. 

Are You a Talker or a Communicator? Part Two

Steve Keating 3 Comments

In my last post we talked about accepting 100% responsibility for everything you say AND 100% responsibility for everything the person you’re speaking with hears. Once you’re willing to do that then you’ll have the opportunity to improve your own communication skills. 

 

The beauty of accepting 100% responsibility is that it doesn’t matter how good the other person’s communication skills are. You still get your message across and have the possibility of better understanding their message as well. 

 

To communicate well you’ll want to make certain that your thoughts are delivered in as clear and concise a manner as possible. It helps to have a good idea about what you’re trying to communicate. If you don’t know what you want to say how will the other person ever figure it out? 

 

Make what you’re saying easy for the other person to understand. You do not want people guessing at what you mean because if they guess wrong that’s on you. Speak the way they speak, speak at their level and never never ever talk down to someone. Once I get the sense I’m being talked down to I shut my ears off cause I figure there isn’t anything to learn from this person.

 

Don’t try to convey multiple ideas in one sentence. This is especially true in written communications. Do your best to avoid “filler” words. Phrases such as “you know” “I mean” and “kind of” usually don’t add any meaning to what you’re saying but they can make it harder to decipher your message. 

 

Practice using fewer words. Try not to use 9 words to make your point when 8 words or 7 words or 6 words or 5 words would do. (See my point?) 

 

Don’t stop communicating part way through your message. Is there something you want to happen as a result of your communication? Then say so. Make certain you’ve given the other person ALL the information they need to correctly take the action you’re wanting. Remember YOU are 100% responsible for the success of every communication. When you leave out needed details then whatever happens is your responsibility too. 

 

We all communicate in some form every day. The better you communicate the greater the credibility you will have with your customers, your boss, your coworkers, your family and friends. 

 

I can pretty much guarantee you that almost every disagreement I’ve ever had with someone came from me not investing those 2 or 3 seconds required to think about what I wanted the other person to hear and to ensure that my communication was successful. 


Everything is simpler when I communicate well. I suspect you’ll find that to be true for you too. 

Are You a Talker or a Communicator? Part One

Steve Keating 5 Comments

Before I begin this post on communication I feel that I must point out that I’m only writing about half of the communication process. And it’s the least important half. 

 

The communication process of course involves speaking and listening. Of the two listening is far more important. Listening is how we learn. You will learn more in five minutes of listening then you will learn in a lifetime of talking. Sometime in the future I’ll probably do a post on listening, maybe right after I do that post on procrastination. But for now we are talking about the speaking part of the process. I should also point out that much of the speaking part can also apply to our written communications. 

 

Here’s something you might not like to hear but you’ll be a much better communicator if you believe it: you are 100% responsible for both parts of the communication. You are 100% responsible for everything you say and you are 100% responsible for everything the other person hears.

 

If you ever had a disagreement where the other person says “well you said…..” and then you say, “no, I said…..” then YOU have missed the mark as a communicator. If the person you’re speaking to doesn’t understand what you’ve said then the whole point of the communication has been missed. 

 

The first step in being a more effective communicator is to accept total responsibility for the miscommunication. If you simply blame the other person for their poor communication or listening skills then you will miss the opportunity to improve your own. 

 

Speak in such as way as to encourage the other person to listen. Use words and a tone of voice that draw your listener in. Talk in terms of THEIR interests to encourage them to linger on your words long enough to understand them. 

 

Don’t use a bigger word than you need to. Don’t use lingo you’re familiar with, use their lingo. Or don’t use lingo at all. Sometimes people use lingo to try and impress someone but what’s truly impressive is being able to communicate in a way that anyone can understand. 

 

What surprises me most about my own communications is how often I say something with no consideration of how it will sound to the person I’m speaking with. I just blurt it out. I mean who has time to think about what they are saying before they say it. 

 

Well, I have time. So do you. 

 

The challenge is taking 2 or 3 seconds, yep, that’s all it takes, to consider our words before we say them. There will be a bit of silence in that two or three seconds and we, well me, thinks that makes us look stupid, like we don’t know what to say. 

 

Abraham Lincoln once said something like “it’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” 

 

Talkers talk. Communicators chose their words to convey the intended message. Which one are you? 

 

I’ve been working hard at thinking about what I’m about to say for a few seconds before I say it. What I’ve found is that I often end up not saying anything. It’s like my mom always told me…if you have nothing of value to add to a conversation then perhaps nothing is what you should add. 


In the second part of this post we’ll look at some of the more technical aspects of effective communication. There are clearly methods of communication that work and methods that don’t. We’ll be looking at the ones that work!