When the Boss is a Bully

There are three types of people who have authority over others in the workplace. One is an Authentic Leader. This type of individual is a joy to work with. They care as much about the success of the people they lead as they do about their own success. They work tirelessly to help people reach their full potential, both at work and in life.

The second is a manager. They often think of themselves as leaders, but leading and managing are two very different things. The managers are typically more concerned with process than with people. They get stuff done, but in a much more tactical way than a leader would. They are not necessarily bad to work for, but it’s not as rewarding an experience as working with a leader.

Then there is the boss. Bosses are not usually great at managing, and they are even worse at leading. It’s not that they want to be, but if they have worked for a bad boss in the past, they are very likely to be a bad boss themselves. That doesn’t make them bad people; it just limits their ability to help people grow while getting stuff done.

But just as there are “levels” of leadership and managing, there are also levels of bossing. And no level of boss is worse than the boss who is a bully too.

Dealing with a bully is hard. It’s especially hard when the bully is your boss. Here are some steps to at least make an attempt at handling that situation.

Stay Calm. Keep your composure and try not to react emotionally. It’s essential to maintain professionalism in any confrontation. Obviously, this is easier said than done. None of us want to be somebody’s doormat. It’s instinctive to stand up for yourself. But you must rise above your lowly bully boss and be as professional as possible in all circumstances.

Document Everything. Keep a detailed record of the incidents. Jot down dates, times, what was said or done, and any witnesses present. This documentation can be crucial if you need to escalate the issue later.

Understand the Motivation. Try to understand why your boss is acting this way. Sometimes, their behavior might stem from personal issues, stress, or insecurity. Understanding their motivation can help you devise a more effective strategy for dealing with them. Don’t merely dismiss them as being a jerk; they might be, or it might be something entirely different causing them to be difficult.

Set Boundaries. Politely but firmly assert your boundaries. Let your boss know that their behavior is not acceptable to you. Be assertive without being confrontational. Let them know when they have crossed a line. You may need to remind them more than once. Only you can determine when “enough is enough” and it’s become time to escalate. If one time equals “enough is enough” for you, that’s fine. It doesn’t make you weak or a quitter or anything else. It only makes you someone who is protecting your own mental health, and that’s never a bad thing.

Seek Support. Talk to someone you trust about the situation, such as a colleague, HR representative, or mentor. They might offer valuable advice or support.

Address the Issue Directly. If you feel comfortable, consider having a private conversation with your boss to address their behavior. Choose a time when both of you are calm and free from distractions. Use “I” statements to express how their actions are impacting you, e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when…”

Utilize Company Policies. If the bullying persists or escalates, familiarize yourself with your company’s policies regarding harassment and workplace behavior. Consider reporting the behavior to HR or a higher-level manager. Again, this does not mean you’re a tattletale or any kind of loser. The policies exist because, as long as there have been bosses, there have been bosses who were bullies. Use the policies to your benefit because it’s very likely you’re benefiting others in your organization as well.

Explore Other Options. If the situation does not improve and your well-being continues to suffer, you may need to explore other job opportunities. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health. Resist the very human temptation to seek revenge on your way out the door. That’s not going to “fix” the boss, and in the long run it may cause you more regrets than the short-term satisfaction of revenge is worth.

Remember, you have rights in the workplace, and no one should have to endure bullying behavior, regardless of the perpetrator’s position. Never forget how valuable you are, both within the workplace and outside of it too. Don’t allow a bully to cause you to doubt that reality. You matter, you are special, you make a difference for people. A bully saying otherwise will never change those facts.

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Surprise, You’re Fired!

Being fired from a job is one of the most traumatic events a person can experience in life. It’s right up there with the death of a loved one or divorce.

When a person is fired from their job the usual thought process says it’s the person’s own responsibility. That is frequently true, more or less.

I say more or less because often there is another person who shares some of the responsibility for the failure of that employee. That person is their boss.

Now if you’re a boss with the mindset of a manager you’re saying that it’s never your fault. You’re saying that you hired an adult and that they are responsible for their performance. They needed to “step up” and get the job done. You say they should have tried harder, worked longer, learned more or “figured it out.” I can’t disagree with any of that.

But if you’re a boss with the mindset of a leader before you say anything about your employee you’re saying YOU should have “stepped up” and led them more effectively. You’re saying YOU should have tried harder, worked longer, learned more about them or figured out what it would have taken to motivate them to perform at a higher level.

If you’re a boss with the mindset of a leader you understand that there are really only two possible reasons your employee failed to perform. You either hired a person with the wrong skill set for the job or you failed to provide them with the tools and motivation they needed to succeed.

Either way, if you have the audacity to label yourself a leader then YOU must accept at least part of the responsibility for the failure of your employee. If it gets to the point of termination then it’s a gigantic failure. The person who was terminated faces tremendous trauma in their life and you as a leader played a part in making that happen.

If the person you terminated was surprised by the termination then the trauma is greater still. If you’re surprised that they were surprised then your failure is even more than gigantic.

Those “surprise” firings most often happen because a reality gap exists between what the boss wants and what the employee has convinced themselves they are delivering. That’s a reality gap and that gap can only be filled through coaching.

And here’s the thing, bosses with a managerial mindset seldom coach, they tell. Bosses with a leadership mindset seldom tell, they coach and they frequently coach by showing. Bosses with a leadership mindset have no need or time to boss, they are focused on leading. They are focused on developing those they lead. They celebrate the success of their people and share in the pain of any failure they may have.

They help create that success and avoid the pain with near constant communication. Most often that communication comes in the form of providing a model of successful behavior but sometimes they even use words.

Employees who are led instead of bossed are never in doubt as to what is expected of them. They are rarely fired but when they are they are never surprised.

Do your people know exactly what is expected of them? If not then you may be a boss but you’re most likely not a leader.

 

Are You a Boss?

First a disclaimer: this is NOT a political post. One of the Democrats running for President in 2020 gave an interview the other day. During the interview she provided a great example of the difference between being a boss and being a leader. This is a person I first met many years ago and occasionally come across at an event if we both happen to be attending. This is a person I mostly admire. This is someone who seems to me to be a nice enough person who is intelligent and hard working. 

 

This is also a person who projected a very poor image of herself in the interview. And I don’t think she knows it. 

 

Much of the early publicity surrounding this candidate has been focused on her reportedly poor treatment of her staff. Her office has one of the highest turnover rates of any member of Congress. She is apparently more than a little challenging to work for. 

 

She was attempting to defend herself in the interview and in doing so she demonstrated not only why she was a difficult boss but a poor leader as well. 

 

She said she was a boss and as a boss she had to be hard on her people. She said she had high expectations for her staff and when they let her down she let them know about it. She said she expects her people to produce a good “product” and that oftentimes the product was her image.

 

I wondered, I was amazed actually, how someone who has accomplished so much could possess such backwards thinking when it came to leading her staff. 

 

The mindset of a boss says it’s the workers job to make the boss look good. The mindset of a leader says it’s the leader’s job to help their people succeed. If you think there is a fine line between the two then you may be a boss, you may be an excellent manager but you are most definitely not a leader. 

 

A typical boss will drive and push their people to achieve results. A leader will push, pull, motivate and sometimes even carry their people to success. They frequently do it from the middle and sometimes from behind. They most often do it while being along side their people.

 

A leader knows that they are responsible for the success of their people. They know that they can’t succeed unless their people succeed. They don’t try to “make” their people succeed they “help” them succeed. 

 

Too many bosses try to force their people to drink from the well of success. Authentic Leaders walk with their people to the well while helping them develop a thirst for success along the way. 

 

If you are someone who believes that you must be hard on your people because you are “the boss” then you will always have problems with your people. They will underperform as long as you’re their boss and you’ll be even harder on them as a result. 

 

When they eventually leave and go to work with an actual leader they will begin to reach their potential. You’ll be left to wonder why they wouldn’t work that hard for you. You’ll become a resentful boss and push the people left around you even harder. And the cycle will continue as long as you think being a boss means being hard on people. 


I’m going to bet that this particular candidate is like the vast majority of people in leadership positions. The vast majority of people in leadership positions have zero leadership training. It doesn’t make them bad people, it doesn’t make them poor managers, it doesn’t even make them poor politicians. It just makes them exceptionally poor leaders.


Why “Bosses” are Poor Leaders

20130202-045559.jpgAre you “The Boss” of the operation? Do you “boss” people around? Are you considered by others to be “bossy?”

I hope not, for your sake and the sake of the people who you are apparently supposed to lead.
The position you have or the title you’ve been given (or maybe gave yourself) might make you a boss but it can’t make you a leader. Being a boss and being a leader are at nearly opposite ends of the management spectrum. The mindset of someone who is a “boss” and the mindset of someone who is a leader are as different as night and day.

Bosses are a dime a dozen. Leaders can be one in a million.

A boss tells. A leader shows. A boss forces compliance. A leader earns commitment. A boss criticizes. A leader coaches. A boss tends to care about themselves. A leader cares about others. A boss is almost always a chore to work for. A leader is always always a joy to work with. A boss confronts with anger. A leader confronts with care. A boss says “I.” A leader says “We.” A boss has no followers. A leader does.

I believe it is impossible to have the mindset of a “boss” and still be a leader. They are just too different. If you see your people as employees then you’re likely a boss, if you see your people as people then you at least have the opportunity to be a leader.

Being a boss might produce some short-term satisfaction but being a leader can produce a lifetime (sometimes many lifetimes) of fulfillment and contentment. Being a leader is actually less stressful than being a boss because your people are moving with you instead of constantly shearing away from you. Being a boss is a job, being a leader is a joy.

So, now that you understand the difference, let me ask you, are you a boss or a leader?