Tag Being Kind

Beware of the Takers

Steve Keating Leave a comment

I love giving people. Givers are those who freely give of themselves without expecting a thing in return. They simply love being helpful to others. In my opinion, the world would be a better place if we had more pure givers in it. Unfortunately, we also have people who are predominantly takers.

Truth be told, there are people who both give and take. This post isn’t about them. This post is about people who take, take, and take some more. They use people. They get what they can from other people and then leave them in their dust. They ghost people with not a care in the world for any emotional damage they may have caused. They take advantage of anyone they can.

Being taken advantage of can feel frustrating and disempowering. Takers can make you feel insignificant, and they can rob you of your self-respect. The good news is that there are steps you can take to set boundaries and protect yourself from them.

Here are some ideas to help you make sure the takers of the world don’t take too much from you.

1. Recognize the Signs

Over-commitment: Constantly saying “yes” to favors, even when it’s inconvenient.

Unfair exchanges: Others benefiting more from your kindness or work than you do.

Feeling resentment: Regularly feeling drained, unappreciated, or obligated.

2. Build Self-Awareness

Understand your patterns: Reflect on why you allow people to take advantage of you. It might stem from a desire to be liked, fear of conflict, or people-pleasing habits.

Know your worth: Recognize that your time, effort, and feelings are valuable. When you value yourself, it becomes easier to say no.

3. Set Clear Boundaries

Define limits: Decide what is and isn’t acceptable for you in terms of time, effort, and emotional energy.

Be firm and direct: When someone asks for too much, say “no” without guilt. You don’t need to explain yourself excessively; a simple, respectful refusal works.

Example: “I’m sorry, I can’t help with that right now.”

4. Practice Assertiveness

Communicate clearly: Use “I” statements to express your needs. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I have too many responsibilities” is a non-confrontational way to set boundaries.

Stick to your decisions: If you’ve said no, stand by it. Some people might push your limits, but consistency is key.

5. Stop Apologizing Excessively

Avoid guilt-tripping yourself: Don’t feel the need to over-apologize when you set boundaries. You have the right to prioritize your needs and time.

6. Know When to Distance Yourself

Reduce contact with chronic takers: If someone continues to disregard your boundaries or exploit your kindness, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them.

7. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Seek mutually respectful relationships: Focus on building relationships where there is a healthy balance of give and take. People who respect your boundaries will support you in your growth.

8. Learn to Delegate or Say “No”

Prioritize your commitments: Not everything requires your involvement. Delegate tasks when appropriate, or say no to things that don’t align with your priorities or well-being.

9. Develop Emotional Resilience

Recognize emotional manipulation: Stay alert for guilt trips, pressure tactics, or emotional blackmail. Recognizing these strategies helps you resist them.

Stay calm in conflict: Emotional resilience allows you to assert yourself without feeling overwhelmed by others’ reactions.

Don’t become a victim of a taker. No one can take advantage of you unless you allow them to. I realize sometimes it’s very hard to say no; sometimes it is very hard to stand up for yourself. Takers are very good at making it hard to say and do what’s necessary to protect yourself. But you can stop them. You may need to work on your self-respect, practice your assertiveness, and make conscious decisions about how you allow others to treat you.

But all of that is within your control IF YOU make the decision to control it. Take control of those areas of your life, and the takers of the world will take a whole lot less joy from your life.

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How to Become a Kinder Person

Steve Keating Leave a comment

First off, let’s make sure we all understand the difference between being nice and being kind.

Being nice is easy. It doesn’t cost us a thing. It involves simple things like saying hello, saying thank you, smiling at others. Very simple things to do, although it does require that we be mindful of all the opportunities we have each day to “be nice.”

Being kind, on the other hand, takes effort. It can cost us something, either time, money, or both. Extending kindness can even mean doing something we’d prefer not to do; but we do it anyway because, well because we are kind.

Helping someone move. Helping someone paint their house. Helping someone overcome some type of challenge. All of those are acts of kindness. And there are many, many more, some of them actually quite small. Even the small acts of kindness can make a very big difference.

While being nice is relatively easy, being kind involves developing empathy, practicing patience, and taking actionable steps to positively impact others. Here are some practical ways we can consistently be a bit kinder.

1. Practice Empathy

• Listen Actively: Pay full attention to what others are saying without interrupting.

• Understand Perspectives: Try to see situations from others’ viewpoints.

2. Be Present

• Engage Fully: When interacting with others, put away distractions and be mentally and emotionally present. This alone might be one of the kindest things we can do for someone.

• Show Interest: Ask questions about their feelings, thoughts, and experiences.

3. Communicate Positively

• Use Encouraging Words: Offer sincere compliments and positive reinforcement.

• Express Gratitude: Thank people for their help, time, and kindness.

4. Perform Acts of Kindness

• Start With Small Gestures: Hold doors open, offer your seat, or help someone with heavy bags.

• Volunteer: Offer your time and skills to help others in need.

• Random Acts: Pay for someone’s coffee, leave kind notes, or donate to charity.

5. Be Patient and Understanding

• Practice Patience: Give others time to express themselves and don’t rush or pressure them.

• Forgive: Let go of grudges and be quick to forgive mistakes.

6. Show Compassion in Difficult Times

• Offer Support: Be there for others during their tough times, whether through listening, helping with tasks, or simply being present.

• Show Empathy: Acknowledge their pain and offer comfort.

7. Be Self-Aware and Reflective

• Reflect on Your Actions: Regularly consider how your behavior affects others and make adjustments as needed.

• Seek Feedback: Ask friends and family for honest feedback on your kindness and how you can improve.

8. Model Kindness

• Lead by Example: Show kindness in your actions and words consistently.

• Encourage Others: Promote a culture of kindness within your community by recognizing and rewarding kind acts.

9. Be Kind to Yourself

• Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you offer to others.

• Self-Care: Take time to care for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

10. Learn and Grow

• Educate Yourself: Read books, attend workshops, or take courses on kindness, empathy, and emotional intelligence.

• Practice Mindfulness: Engage in practices like meditation to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, which can help you respond more kindly to others.

By incorporating these practices into your daily life, you can become a kinder person and positively impact those around you. Plus, being kind to others is one of the nicest things you can do…for yourself.

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Are You a Nice Person or a Kind Person?

Steve Keating 3 Comments

I’ve done a lot of presentations and workshops over the years. Some of them have had very memorable moments. But one stands out above all others. 

I was doing a Leadership Workshop several years ago for the leadership team of an organization that had some “opportunities” for improvement. I got to the point in the workshop where we discussed some of the key characteristics of Authentic Leadership. I made the point, which I strongly believe, that you can care for people without leading them but you cannot lead people without caring for them. 

The key leader in the organization was seated in the front row. He looked at me and said he wanted to make a comment. I had no idea what he was about to say but my workshops tend to be a “say whatever is on your mind” kinda workshop so I said go ahead. 

He turned toward the back and the room and motioned towards everyone else in the room, the vast majority of them worked for him. He then looked back at me and said, “look at these people, you expect me to care about them? Why would I do that? Just look at them.”

As a presenter there are several ways to handle that kind of comment. I could have let it slide. I could have confronted him about it directly or I could have let the group handle it for me. I knew going in that the group had no respect for this key leader who was clearly a leader in name only. So I decided to give them the opportunity to respond directly to him. 

I answered that yes, I fully expect you to care for the people you lead but my opinion wasn’t that important. What was really important was the opinion of the people you’re supposed to be leading, so let’s see what they have to say. 

I then asked if anyone from the group had anything to say. Now this “leader” was a bully. A tyrant in every sense of the word. So it would take some courage to speak up and one person had that courage almost immediately. 

It was what she said that has stuck with me to this day. It was a very short comment but one of the most impactful I’ve ever heard. She delivered the comment in a matter of fact fashion served up on a plate of humility. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful, and the truth was this “leader” had an EQ of zero so I don’t think anything anyone said to him could be hurtful anyway. 

She said, “I will be nice to you because I’m a nice person. But I won’t be kind to you because you are not a kind person.” 

There was no reaction from the key leader and the rest of them room was silent. I made a couple of comments about the importance of showing the people we lead that we care for them. A reality of leadership is that people won’t care to follow a leader who doesn’t care for them first. 

We moved on but the comment has stayed with me. Among other things it got me to thinking about the difference between being nice and being kind. We often use the words interchangeably but it turns out they are far from the same. 

Being nice to others is easy. It doesn’t cost us a thing. We only need to use the good manners our parents taught us. Being nice involves saying things like “thank you” whenever the opportunity presents itself. It means saying please and you’re welcome whenever that opportunity presents itself too. A smile and saying Good Morning is an example of being nice. 

So about now you’re thinking you’re a pretty nice person. I’m sure you say please and thank you, you may even toss in a “you’re welcome” now and then. But do you use those words and phrases at EVERY opportunity? I’m sure you did when your waiter or waitress set that glass of water or basket of bread down on your table.

Wait, what? You say that’s their job. So what, you can say thank you to someone because they are doing their job? You’ll have a hard time leading people with an attitude like that. 

Being nice costs you nothing. You only have to make the conscious choice to be nice at every opportunity. And realize there are LOTS of opportunities that we miss.

Being kind on the other hand takes some effort. It likely has some cost to it, even if that cost is only in terms of time. Giving someone a ride is showing kindness. Taking someone shopping or picking up a coffee for someone on the way to work is showing kindness. 

If you’re doing someone for someone that requires extra time or effort that is being kind. If everything you do benefits only yourself then others may not see you as kind. They may be right. Ask yourself, when was the last time you went out of your way to help someone…without expecting anything in return? 

So now that you understand the difference let me ask again. Are you a nice person or a kind person? The only “correct” answer is of course both. But if you pay attention to your thoughts and actions you may realize that you have some work to do in both areas. 

I can guarantee you that I do. 

A Big Challenge

Steve Keating 5 Comments

This is a little post with a big challenge. The challenge comes from one of Dale Carnegie’s first books. While not as well known as his all time best seller, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” it is perhaps the book that has changed more lives than any other book he authored. 

The book is entitled, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” The “challenge” is actually one of the principles from the book. The principle says “Forget your unhappiness by creating happiness for others.” 

One way to do that is to commit each day to do something kind for someone and not let them find out it was you who did it. 

A couple of points before I send you off on your challenge.

You must understand the basic difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice is easy, it requires no real effort on your part. Being nice includes things like saying thank you, please and your welcome. Think of being nice more like having good manners. 

Being kind on the other hand requires some effort on your part. It might be offering a ride to someone on your way to the store. It is especially kind if where they are going is not on your way. That’s very kind of you but it doesn’t meet the challenge requirements because they will obviously know you give them a ride. 

Here’s an example that would definitely meet the challenge. Let’s say someone has broken something that they have treasured for a long time. They can’t fix it themselves or they can’t afford to have it fixed. So you secretly have it repaired and put back in it’s place. 

Doing the kind thing by having it repaired on the sly doesn’t meet the challenge either. But you’ve at least met the first half of the challenge. Quietly putting it back in place and NEVER mentioning that you took care of it will complete the full challenge. 

It’s a challenge because it’s human nature to want to get “credit” for our good deeds. I do kind things for people but then I tend follow them around like a lost puppy until they notice the kindness. When they ask if I did that, I just smile. I didn’t tell them I did it but I’m always open to accepting their gratitude. 

It’s hard not to seek recognition for the good things we do. But when we are successful it is a great feeling. 

Like all things worth doing, being kind and not seeking recognition for it is easier said than done. But if you want to do something incredibly special for someone…and yourself, you’ll do it anyway. 

Now, get to it, there is a kindness waiting to be done. 

You Matter Too!

Steve Keating 1 Comment

President John Kennedy said that each of us can make a difference and that all of us should try. The key words in that quote are “all of us.”

None of us can do all the good that the world needs. But the world needs every single bit of all the good you can do. A single act of kindness can change the world of the person receiving it and there isn’t a single person in the world who can’t be kind. 

Despite what some people seem to think showing kindness is not a sign of weakness. It is in fact a sign of strength. But first understand the difference between being kind and simply being nice. 

Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Some people call that being courteous. Being “nice” is sort of the minimum requirement for being accepted into society. 

Being kind is when you care about people and show it. Sometimes you can be kind to someone even though you aren’t nice to them. What some people call “tough love” would be one example of that. You can be nice to someone but also be unkind. That’s actually pretty common. We are often nice to people we don’t even know but we don’t put in any effort to demonstrate we care about them. 

It costs us nothing to be nice to someone but being kind almost certainly has some type of cost, or as I’d prefer to say, investment. It might be giving some of your time to assist someone else. Being kind might mean sacrificing a little of what you have so someone else can have a little bit of something too. 

Being kind takes effort and intentionality. It can be tiring but the effort is always worth it. Whether the person you’re being kind to realizes it in the moment or not; you know you’ve done the right thing and that feeling has staying power.

But here’s the thing….all that difference making and being kind to others can take a real toll on you. It can wear you down. A little fact that many people miss is that kindness for others is only sustainable if you’re first kind to yourself. Yes, you must put yourself first once in a while. 

If you’re a kind person be sure to invest some time in yourself as well. Focus on your needs. Focus on something for yourself that you never have time for. Make time! 

I know it’s counterintuitive for truly kind people to put themselves first. This is especially true for moms. But honestly, the kindest thing you can do for others is to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others. Make time for yourself so you’ll have more time for others. 

You have the time to care for yourself and others too. You just have to change your priorities to sometimes put yourself first. Remember, the people you care for most will benefit from YOU taking care of YOU too. 

The Benefits of a Generous Spirit

Steve Keating 5 Comments

Sir Winston Churchill said “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

No matter how much or how little you have, you have something that you can share with others. That something has the potential to change someone’s life for the better. IF you’re willing to share.

There are many logical reasons to give. It has been proven that giving can lower your blood pressure. It reduces the stress in your life. You will experience less anxiety and giving helps keep depression at bay. It also increases self-esteem.

But here is the best reason to make a difference in the life of someone else…because you can.

Some of you reading this are saying to yourself I’d give if only I had something to give. But as I said before, you absolutely have something to give. You only need to broaden your perspective about what you have that is valuable.

During this particular time in history there are many people experiencing profound loneliness. They would love for someone to talk with. If you have a willing ear and a mouth that works then that someone could be you.

I’ll bet there is an organization in your community that is matching up willing “givers” with people who could use a bit of conversation to brighten their day. If you Google it you can find that organization. 5 or 10 minutes a day to do a little good, maybe a lot of good, maybe even save a life.

That’s just one of a million ways you can give back this very day!

Still some of you are saying I’d do that if only I had the time. As anyone who has ever heard me do a Webinar on “Using Your Time Effectively” time is just an excuse for people too busy…or lazy, to make a real excuse.

You have plenty of time to do everything that is a priority in your life. And this is a bit off topic but if you have more than a small handful of priorities in your life then you probably don’t have any real priorities.

You might be thinking I can’t “spend” time giving back because I have kids, work, homeschooling, plus tons of stuff. So DON’T SPEND time on anyone, instead “INVEST TIME” with everyone in your life.

That change of mindset will improve every relationship in your life.

The benefits of giving far outweigh whatever perceived “costs” there may be. You don’t need money to give, you don’t need some special gift or skill to give. You don’t need more time in the day to give.

You just need a willing heart and a desire to help.

Giving to others is one of the nicest things you can do….for yourself. I think you deserve it, don’t you agree?

Did You Really MEAN to Say That?

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Words matter. Your words matter. Tone of voice, and tone of text and tweet matters too. How you say something is just as important as the something you say.

The greater the influence you have the more your words weigh. The greater the influence you have the longer your words linger in the minds they are spoken, or written to.

The old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is invalid these days. Actually I’m not sure it ever was valid but it’s clearly not now. And now, more than at any time in history it’s easy for people to throw words out to millions of people at a time.

That’s a lot of influence! With that influence comes responsibility.

I’m going to sound naive to some of you but I believe that the vast vast majority of people do not say things on social media with the intent to hurt others. Yet they somehow seem to forget that there are real live human beings impacted by the things they say and write. Some of those things do indeed hurt people.

I believe there is no such thing as a neutral human interaction. Every single time you interact with another human being, no matter how that interaction takes place, you leave that person feeling either better or worse about themselves and their situation. It’s always one or the other, it’s never neutral.

It may be an almost imperceptible change but it adds up. Leaving a person feeling a tiny bit worse about themselves or their situation time after time adds up. So does leaving them feeling better time after time.

Consider that BEFORE the next time you say or write something uncivil. Consider that BEFORE you say something hurtful that you wouldn’t want said or written to someone who matters to you. That person you’re saying it to may not matter to you but they most certainly matter.

Their views and opinions may seem completely wacky to you. But if you lived their life and were shaped by the same experiences that they were, you would think much the same as they do.

Their views do not make them a less valuable human being than anyone else. We seem to be forgetting that lately and we need to start remembering it before it is forgotten forever.

Here’s a good rule of thumb…don’t say mean things. If it would be mean if it was said to you then it’s going to be mean when you say it, or text it, or tweet it, to someone else. Figure out a way to say the same thing in a way that you wouldn’t consider mean or insulting (be honest) and say it that way. If you can’t figure that out then say nothing.

It’s a pretty simple rule but it can make a profound difference in the impact you have on the people you communicate with. You have the choice of being a positive influence or a negative one.

Which choice will you make?