Tag Hearing vs Listening

How to be a More Effective Listener

Steve Keating 2 Comments

Many people who claim to want to be better communicators focus almost entirely on speaking more clearly. But effective speaking and effective communicating are two very different things. You cannot communicate effectively if you can’t listen effectively. Truly great communicators know that’s a fact.

The benefits of being a more effective listener cannot be overstated. Not only do effective listeners learn more, they build deeper and longer-lasting relationships. Being a better listener involves both active engagement and a willingness to understand others.

If you’re truly interested in being a better communicator here are some ideas to improve your listening skills.

• Give your full attention. When someone is speaking to you, put away distractions like your phone or other devices. Make eye contact and show that you’re fully present. The person you’re speaking with should be your only focus. They should feel as if they are the most important person in the world to you…because in that moment they truly should be.

• Listen without interrupting. Allow the speaker to express their thoughts without interrupting them. Interrupting can disrupt the flow of conversation and make the speaker feel unheard. If your response to what the speaker has just said is any version of “yes, but…” I can guarantee that you were not fully listening to them. You were figuring out your response before they finished talking.

• Practice empathy. Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and feelings. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel in their situation. As I’ve written before, empathy is a super power that allows you to listen to and connect with someone else in a way that takes communication to a new, much more powerful level.

• Ask clarifying questions. If you’re unsure about something the speaker said, ask for clarification. This shows that you’re actively listening and trying to understand their point of view. Asking a clarifying question does NOT make you look or sound stupid. It demonstrates that you care about what the other person is saying.

• Paraphrase what you heard. After the speaker has finished talking, summarize what they said in your own words. This not only shows that you were listening but also helps clarify any misunderstandings.

• Avoid judgment. Suspend judgment while listening to others. Everyone has their own experiences and perspectives. It’s important to respect that even if you disagree. Remember, if you’re judging what they are saying while they are still saying it then you are not fully listening to their words and their meaning.

• Be patient. Sometimes, people need time to gather their thoughts or express themselves. Be patient and give them the time they need without rushing them. A few moments of silence can be a powerful communication tool. Learn to embrace the pauses and use them to understand what was just said and what you should say next.

• Show non-verbal cues. Use non-verbal cues like nodding your head or making affirmative sounds to show that you’re listening and engaged.

• Practice active listening. Actively engage with the speaker by nodding, smiling, or providing verbal cues like “I see” or “That makes sense.” This encourages the speaker to continue sharing.

• Reflect on your own listening habits. Take time to reflect on your listening habits and identify areas for improvement. Are there times when you tend to zone out or interrupt? Being aware of these tendencies can help you become a better listener.

• Ask three people who know you well what you can do to be a better listener. Then, and this is key, DO WHAT THEY SUGGEST YOU DO. Do not argue, do not dismiss, just do it. If you’ve asked the right people their input will be invaluable. And…you might not like this one…if you are married, one of those three people should be your spouse. And remember the “do not argue, do not dismiss part. 🙂

Listening is a skill and by definition skills can be developed through effort and practice. Your life will change for the better when you become a more effective listener. It is highly likely you’ll also improve the lives of those around you when they realize how much you value what they have to say.

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Understanding Success – Part Six

Steve Keating 1 Comment

Successful people get it. They simply understand some things that less successful people seem to have a hard time grasping. The things they understand are the “it’s” of success. 

This is the sixth post of an eight post series. They will be short posts, each just long enough to give you time to focus on one “it” of success until the next post arrives. The goal of this series is not to get you thinking about success, it’s to help you do the things that successful people do and less successful people don’t. The choice of success is completely up to you, always keep that important fact in mind.

While successful people are highly productive they are never to busy to listen. More important they understand the huge difference between hearing and actually listening.

You see, hearing is an involuntary process that starts with noise, vibrations, the movement of fluid in the ears and sound sent to the brain. We hear lots of things that we would just as soon not.

Listening on the other hand is a voluntary act where you try to make sense out of the noise you hear. It doesn’t matter who is doing the talking, if you’re not listening then you’re missing what could be important information that could help you succeed. 

Successful people never fool themselves into thinking they can learn anything while talking. They know that if they are talking then they are not listening and if they are not listening then they are not learning. It’s just that simple!

I think everyone would agree that communication is an essential skill for a leader. What many people fail to realize is that listening is at least 50% of the communication process. Listening is a vital skill for leaders because leaders who don’t listen will find themselves with a room full of followers who have nothing to say and those same poor leaders will mistake the silence for agreement. 

Authentic leaders focus so much on listening that they even hear, and understand, what wasn’t said. That’s outstanding listening!

Effective listening requires making some choices. The most important choice is to decide that you will listen to understand rather than merely listen to respond. Linger on the words of the person you’re speaking with until you understand their meaning. Don’t be afraid of a slight pause in the conversation, allow a moment or two to allow their words to fully register. 

Decide that everyone you talk with has something important to say. While not everything anyone says is important, you never know when brilliance will show itself so listen, really listen, and you just may discover how much other people really know.

One of the kindest gifts you can give to someone is the gift of your listening. Decide to listen as if they were the only person in your world, rid yourself of all distractions, tune out all the noise, look them in the eye and just listen.

Focus on listening rather than just hearing and you will likely be both surprised and delighted by what you will learn.

Old Ears

Steve Keating 4 Comments

wpid-Photo-20150419143300778.jpgSome people have old ears.

I know, I know, you're thinking, “well, obviously, some people are old,” so they have old ears. But a person’s age has little to do with how old their ears are. It has to do with how open their mind is.

You see “old” ears has to do with hearing “it all” before. An older person can have very young ears and a younger person can have very old ears.

When a person has old ears they stop listening before the other person has finished speaking. They don’t really need to listen because they have heard it all before.

People with old ears only listen to respond. People with young ears listen and listen more until they understand what is being said. People with old ears are forced to make new decisions with stale information while people with young ears are making great decisions with current information. Young eared people never stop listening and because of that, they never stop learning either.

You can keeps your ears young by simply using them throughout the day. If there is something worth listening to then you should be listening. People who desire younger ears seek out good information and interesting people which makes it easier to listen.

Young ears are a choice and so are older ears. When you choose to listen, really, really listen then you're also choosing younger ears. When you stop listening because you have heard it all before you are giving yourself old ears and you are missing so much of life because of it.

Choose young ears and choose a vibrant life full of learning and growth. You will be surprised how fresh you can stay by filling your brain with a bit of new information each day.

It’s seems counterintuitive but again, the best way to keep your ears young is to use them. Use them to listen to a variety of opinions and people. Use them to listen to “tones” you may not like and use them hear people outside your “normal” group of influencers.

Hearing comes naturally but listening is a skill. It’s a skill we can choose to develop if we really want to learn and keep in mind, the most successful people learn something new every single day.

Are you listening?

 

 

Hearing Isn’t Listening

Steve Keating 20 Comments

Just because you’ve been blessed with the sense of hearing does not mean you’ve been blessed with the skill of listening. 

Hearing is in fact one of the five senses. It is merely the act of perceiving sound and receiving sound waves or vibrations through your ear. Unless you’re hearing impaired you likely take that ability for granted. You also seldom stop to think about the difference between hearing someone speak and actually listening to what was said. 

The failure to understand that difference is often a fatal mistake for new and emerging leaders.

Listening is the act of hearing a sound and actually understanding what you hear. It usually requires more than just the sense of hearing. Great communicators are great listeners, they use the sense of hearing, seeing, and sense of touch. 

Great communicators know that listening is a skill that requires you to stop talking long enough to let the sound you hear go through your brain so it can process the meaning of it. 

The best communicators are active listeners. Active listening means also observing what you hear, like the speaker’s body language and emotions, in order to better understand what the speaker is truly saying. 

When we fail to listen we lose the ability to understand and interpret what was said. When we fail to listen we create a communication “gap” and we often fill that gap with our personal bias, judgements and experiences. That’s where the “you said this, no I didn’t” arguments usually come from. 

Hearing will never build a relationship with anyone. If you want to build relationships with anyone you’ll need to listen to them. When people know you’re interested enough to truly listen to them then they will know enough to know that you also truly care.

And oh by the way, don’t kid yourself; if you’re talking you’re most certainly NOT listening.