Tag Conflict

How to Handle Conflict Effectively

Steve Keating Leave a comment

So… there are indeed some people who seem to enjoy conflict. Sometimes they are contrarians, always taking the other side, if for no other reason than to get under your skin. I don’t really concern myself with dealing with that type of conflict; I just let those people argue with themselves. And believe me, if they don’t have someone else to argue with, they really will argue with themselves.

I am, however, very interested in handling what I would call “sincere conflict.” That’s conflict where two sides have opposing views, and they both really believe in their point of view.

My number one goal in handling conflict is to protect both my self-respect AND the other person’s self-respect. I hope that’s your goal as well because you may be able to “win” an argument, but if your winning costs someone their self-respect, your victory is as hollow as can be.

Handling conflict effectively requires a thoughtful approach to ensure that the issue is resolved constructively, fairly, and with finality. Here are some steps you can follow to make that happen.

1. Stay Calm and Composed

Avoid reacting emotionally: Take a moment to breathe and gather your thoughts before responding. This is a time when it’s essential to put your brain into action before your mouth.

Maintain a calm tone and body language to prevent escalating tensions. Remember, how you say something can be just as important as the thing you say.

2. Understand the Root Cause

Listen actively: Allow the other party to express their perspective fully without interruptions. Listen with the goal of understanding, not just responding.

Ask questions: Clarify any misunderstandings to ensure you understand the core issue. You share equal responsibility for the successful exchange of information. So make certain you know exactly what was said before responding.

3. Communicate Respectfully

Use “I” statements: Frame your concerns in terms of how you feel, rather than accusing the other person (e.g., “I feel concerned when deadlines are missed” vs. “You never meet deadlines”).

Avoid blaming or name-calling, which can worsen the conflict.

Don’t say “never,” “always,” or “constantly” unless those words truly apply. Making a problem bigger than it is will prove to be a very ineffective method of handling conflict.

4. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person

Separate the issue from the individual to avoid personal attacks.

Keep the discussion centered on solving the problem rather than assigning blame.

Again, choose your words wisely; do not make a mountain out of a molehill.

5. Acknowledge Emotions

Recognize and validate the emotions involved, even if you don’t agree with the other person’s perspective.

Saying something like, “I understand why you feel this way,” can defuse tension.

6. Collaborate on Solutions

Brainstorm potential solutions together and evaluate them openly.

Strive for a win-win outcome where both parties feel their needs are acknowledged and addressed. Once the other person feels you’re working with them, the emotional “tone” of the conversation calms down a lot.

7. Know When to Involve a Mediator

If the conflict cannot be resolved through direct discussion, involve a neutral third party to facilitate communication.

Mediators can help ensure both sides are heard and guide the discussion toward resolution. Your mediator doesn’t have to be professionally trained to help. They should, however, be someone both parties trust and someone who possesses a high level of common sense.

8. Follow Up

Check in with the other person after the conflict has been addressed to ensure that the resolution is working.

Reaffirm your commitment to maintaining a positive relationship.

Do not assume that because you think the conflict is handled that the other person thinks so too. Verify that you’re both of the same mind and if you’re not then back up a bit and “redo” whatever steps in this process will get you BOTH to where you need to be.

Additional Tips:

Choose the right time and place: Address the conflict in a private and neutral setting, not in the heat of the moment or in public.

Focus on facts, not assumptions: Base the discussion on objective facts rather than subjective interpretations or assumptions.

Practice empathy: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective to build understanding.

Conflict doesn’t have to mean war. In fact, conflict, when handled effectively, can actually strengthen relationships. Your level of success in handling conflicts will most often be determined by your mindset. If your only goal is to win and prove the other person wrong, then you’re most likely to do neither.

If you want to find common ground and a good outcome, you can resolve the conflict and build a stronger relationship. The choice, as always, is yours to make.

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The Art of Diplomacy

Steve Keating Leave a comment

Life will always include some amount of conflict. Many people, including people in leadership positions, will go to great lengths to avoid engaging in conflict. Anything that is, except engaging in diplomacy.

Diplomacy makes it possible to resolve a conflict by working with people to find an outcome acceptable to all sides.

You may not believe that you are diplomatic enough to find middle ground with people of differing opinions. But it’s entirely possible you could be. Diplomacy is a skill and as I’ve written many times, skills can be developed through effort.

Being diplomatic involves managing communication and relationships well. It’s about navigating sensitive or contentious situations with tact, empathy, and consideration for others’ perspectives. If you’re interested in improving your diplomacy skills, here are some tips on how to make it happen.

Listen attentively. Understand the concerns, views, and feelings of others. Do so by actively listening without interruption. Show empathy and validate their feelings. Most importantly, listen with an open mind.

Choose words carefully. Use language that is neutral, respectful, and non-confrontational. Avoid inflammatory or accusatory language that could escalate tensions. It’s completely acceptable to have a few moments of silence in a conversation as you think about what you’re about to say. Never forget, once it’s said it can’t be unsaid. I’d rather people think I’m a slow thinking, slow talking individual than to say something I can’t unsay.

Focus on common ground. Find areas of agreement or shared goals. They will build rapport and a positive foundation for discussion. Even the smallest point of agreement can be a building block for a future resolution.

Acknowledge differences. Respectfully acknowledge differing viewpoints without dismissing or belittling them. Validate others’ perspectives even if you disagree. Remember, if you were them, with an identical upbringing and background, you would likely think exactly as they do. It’s not that they are necessary wrong, it’s just that they think different, based on their different upbringing.

Stay calm and composed. Maintain a calm demeanor, even in challenging situations. Avoid reacting impulsively or emotionally, as this can escalate conflicts. Think of it this way, if you lose control of your emotions, you lose.

Seek understanding. Ask clarifying questions to understand others’ concerns and motivations. This demonstrates your willingness to listen and collaborate.

Avoid blame and criticism. Instead of blaming or criticizing others, focus on solving problems and finding solutions.

Offer solutions. Propose compromises that address everyone’s concerns. Be open to negotiation and flexible in finding mutually beneficial outcomes.

Consider timing and context. Be mindful of when and where discussions take place. Choose appropriate settings and timing to have sensitive conversations. If someone doesn’t have time to talk then it’s best not to try and make them talk.

Maintain confidentiality. Respect confidentiality when discussing sensitive matters. Avoid sharing private information without permission. As they saying goes, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. So when you’re told something in confidence, keep it confidential.

Build trust. Show truth, honor, and reliability in your actions. This will build trust over time.

After reaching agreements, follow up. Check that commitments are honored and that any issues are addressed.

By practicing these diplomatic strategies you can use diplomacy to resolve issues without starting a war. You can handle tough situations well. You can also build better relationships. This will create a more positive and productive environment.

It’ll build a happier you and in all likelihood, a happier “them” as well.

Want more LeadToday? Many of you know I’m very active on X, the social media platform formerly known as Twitter. I post a lot of free content there but I also post 6-10 minute videos two or three times a week. These videos are focused on principles of leadership and living your best life. They are “uncommon” common sense topics designed to help people push themselves to their full potential. Every video is available to subscribers who invest $4.99 a month for their future success. If you’re willing to push yourself towards the life you want and deserve my videos may just be the extra nudge you need to get there. Find your way over to X and follow me there. Once you’ve followed me you can subscribe on a month by month basis just by clicking the subscribe button. Remember, an investment in yourself ALWAYS pays dividends! You’ll find my timeline here: twitter.com/leadtoday

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Don’t Smooth Things Over

Steve Keating 4 Comments

Courageous leaders don’t smooth things over. They don’t put band-aids on the symptoms of a problem. They don’t pretend “things” are okay when they know darn well they are not and they never ever expect that a problem will just fix itself. 

 

What courageous leaders do is make things right, even if sometimes that means plunging headfirst into conflict. 

 

There are and have been many a great leader who preferred to avoid conflict when possible but I can’t think of a single truly great leader from the past or present who avoids conflict at all costs. 

 

The most effective leaders know that “smoothing over” a problem isn’t much different than burying it under a rock. Sooner or later someone comes along and turns the rock over exposing the problem with all it’s rough edges on display once again. 

 

Weaker leaders avoid conflicts because to them conflict means emotionally charged turmoil and fights and disruption and drama. In the hands of a weak leader that’s probably true.

 

Under the guidance of an Authentic Leader, especially an Authentic Servant Leader, a conflict represents the opportunity for genuine learning and long-term growth. 

 

Authentic Servant Leaders meet conflict head-on with the compassion, integrity, and understanding that you would expect from such a leader. They know that the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it so they work diligently to lower relationship tension and the emotions that go with it. 

 

They lead the discussion with whatever facts are irrefutable to build common ground. They show empathy for every side of a conflict without minimizing the importance of anyone’s feelings. 

 

They want everyone involved in the situation to come out of it with their self-esteem and the conflict gone. 

 

When that works it’s a great accomplishment. But the truth is it doesn’t always work. 

 

When it doesn’t work the Authentic Servant Leader sets aside the Authentic Servant part and simply leads. If forced, they impose a solution that ends the conflict. They decide! They take action! That may mean some really bad stuff happens to someone involved in the conflict but the conflict is resolved and it’s resolved for good. 

 

Authentic Servant Leaders do not allow conflict to linger. Conflicts are like an organizational cancer. Leaders should help diagnose and treat the conflict but if it can’t be treated it must be removed. That will likely result in some injured feelings. Authentic Servant Leaders understand that at least a part of their organization may require some time to heal from an imposed solution. They also know that needing a little time to heal is far better than dealing with a slow burning conflict that never ends.

 

I firmly believe in helping everyone in an organization feel valuable and in continually building their self-esteem. But in every case, in every single case, the good of the many must outweigh the good of the one. 


Dealing with conflict is one of the biggest challenges for a true leader but it’s one they don’t run from, in fact, the very best leaders run to it. 

Compassionate Conflict Resolution

Steve Keating 6 Comments

You can meditate 4000 years, but if avoidance is at the root of it, you won’t be free. ~ Papaji

People often ask me where my ideas for blog topics come from. I tell them that I just write about “stuff” I read, see in the news, and hear and see around me. Sometimes however a blog post is just me talking to myself and letting other people “listen” in… this is one of those blog posts. 

I do not like conflict! I am not however a conflict avoider. That pretty much puts me where I need to be to successfully deal with workplace and life conflict. I’d rather not deal with conflicts but I will if I have to and knowing what I know about Authentic Leadership if I intend to audaciously continue to attempt to help others improve their own leadership skills I most certainly have to. 

I have to because conflict engagement and resolution are key leadership skills. Leaders who avoid conflict at any cost simply don’t understand that the costs are very real. 

By the way, just an aside here… if you’re thinking to yourself right now that you actually like conflict then I have some bad news for you. Liking conflict almost always means that you aren’t very good at resolving it. 

Avoiding conflict often causes resentment and misunderstanding, – emotions that when left alone, have a tendency to fester. Nothing is heard the way the conflict avoider intends it to be heard. The conflict avoider says one thing but the other person doesn’t understand the emotions it was said with so they hear something else. That leads to distrust. An environment of distrust frequently influences turnover and productivity which then negatively impact profitability. The issues that cause conflicts rarely go away or solve themselves. They usually just get bigger, and bigger, and bigger. They also get more and more expensive.

People being people means there will always be a need for conflict resolution. Conflict comes from differences of opinions, ideas, and perceptions that are exchanged every day. Every Day! That’s a whole lot of opportunity for conflicts to arise. 

So, you’ll either learn to deal with conflict in a constructive way or you will fail as a leader. It’s just that simple.

When handled correctly conflicts actually strengthen an organization. The communication and trust that comes from effective conflict resolution builds trusting relationships between a leader and their people. 

It’s the handling correctly part that causes so many people to avoid conflict. They just don’t know where to begin. 

A great place to begin is with the other person’s interests. Why do they think the way they think? What are their motives? What are their objectives? Put yourself in their shoes and if you do it sincerely you’ll have a much better understanding of their emotions and it’s that understanding that will help you control your own emotions.

Look for solutions, not more conflict. Never forget that even complex problems can have a relatively simple solution when emotions are set aside. Simple doesn’t mean easy but at least simple is doable. 

When dealing with conflict I need to keep three principles from Dale Carnegie’s great book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in mind.

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. If a leader allows an attempt at conflict resolution to turn into an argument then the leader has messed up. They need to reconvene the attempt when emotions have settled down a bit.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Most people will strive to meet the expectations of others. If you go into an attempt at conflict resolution looking for a fight then you are likely to get one. If you are expecting the other person to also seek a positive resolution then they very likely will.

Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Never make a problem bigger than it is. As a leader if you’re trying to influence someone out of a bad idea or a poor practice then make the mistake or idea seem easy to fix. Share examples of your own past mistakes and how your changed your thinking to change the outcome. Encourage them to do the same.

Always show compassion for the other person’s feelings, thoughts and ideas. They may appear totally wrong to you but to the other person they are absolutely right.

If you’re in a leadership position and you practice conflict avoidance then you may have the position but you’re not leading. The next time you have the opportunity to resolve conflict look at it as an opportunity for growth. Work to resolve the issue in a way that demonstrates respect, value, and security for every person involved. 

Conflict doesn’t have to cost, it can be a tremendous opportunity to grow your people while growing your own leadership skills. All it takes it a decision to try.

The Vital Importance of Conflict Resolution

Steve Keating 13 Comments

I am not a fan of conflict. I’d prefer to have zero conflicts in my life, both my personal life and my professional life.

My preference however is unrealistic because conflicts are a part of life. They happen! As a matter of fact, if you have a pulse and interact with other human beings then you will have conflicts too.

Some people will go to extreme lengths to avoid conflict. I think they avoid them because they believe all conflicts lead to poor outcomes. They have so little confidence in their own communication skills that they fear losing control of their emotions and making the situation that originally caused the conflict even worse.

That’s a challenging way to go through life for anyone. If you have that challenge and you’re in a leadership position then it’s far more than a challenge, it can be a disaster.

Unresolved conflict leads directly to unreached potential. Let me repeat that in case you missed it… unresolved conflict leads directly to unreached potential. Directly!

If you’re a leader who avoids conflict then you’re a limited leader at best. You can make great decisions, hire the right people, build solid products, and be liked by everyone. What you can’t do is lead your people and your organization to their full potential.

It’s like seeing $40 on the ground and bending down to pick up $20, hoping that somebody else will pick up the other $20 and put it to use. You just left half of your potential “find” lay there. Hope may sound nice in a speech but I’m sorry to say, it’s a real crappy business strategy.

Leaders cannot simply hope the conflict resolves itself. Conflicts seldom disappear, they just simmer below the surface causing havoc in your organization. If you don’t care enough about your people to proactively, compassionately resolve conflicts then you likely don’t care enough to truly lead.

Conflict resolution is a vital skill that leaders need to learn.

If you view conflict as dangerous, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you go into a conflict situation already feeling threatened, it’s tough to deal with the issue in a healthy and productive way. Instead, you are more likely to shut down or blow up in anger.

Conflict elicits strong emotions and often leads to hurt feelings and disappointment. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable harm, resentments, and long-lasting distrust. When conflict is resolved in a healthy and productive way, it increases your understanding of the other person, builds trust, and strengthens relationships. This is true in both your personal and professional lives.

Effective leaders possess the capacity to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person. They respond in a calm, non-defensive, and respectful manner. The are ready to forgive and forget if necessary and they are able to move past the conflict without holding on to resentment. Effective leaders know that compromise is not a dirty word and that while accountability may play a role in conflict management, punishing does not.

Authentic servant leaders hold the belief that facing conflict head on is the best thing for both sides. When dealing with conflict they care enough to listen with more than just their ears. They “tune-in” to the other person to completely understand what they are saying and why they are saying it.

When people are upset, the words they use often don’t convey the real issues at the heart of the conflict. When you listen for what is felt—as well as what is said—you have the opportunity to truly understand where the other person is coming from.
When you’re in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying, This lets you to respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the heart of the problem. A calm tone of voice or an interested facial expression can go a long way towards relaxing a tense exchange.

Here are a few more points to consider before attempting to resolve a conflict:

Think resolution rather than winning or “being right.” Remember, if you win then somebody else loses. If somebody feels like they have been defeated then they may withdraw for a while but the conflict still exists.

Focus on the now. If you’re holding on to grudges based on past resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Resolve the current conflict, don’t rehash old ones.

Let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, it is okay to disengage and move on.

I firmly believe the worst thing you can do when it comes to conflict management or hopefully, conflict resolution, is nothing. If you actually intend to lead then you must face this challenge head-on, in a caring and thoughtful way.

It’s how Authentic Servant Leaders deal with conflict!