Having Less Combative Conversations

I vaguely remember a time when you could disagree with someone without it turning into a world war. These days, it seems like even small disagreements run the risk of ending a relationship, even long-term relationships. Even between good friends. Even among family members.

But I remain convinced it doesn’t have to be that way. It does, however, require significant effort and a strong desire to maintain the relationship. It might require allowing your ego to take a hit. It may even require that you “accept” an apology that never comes.

Having less combative conversations with people who disagree with you requires a combination of empathy, patience, and effective communication techniques. Here are some ideas to try if you’re interested in making discussions more constructive and less confrontational.

1. Listen Actively

• Understand their perspective: Try to genuinely understand the other person’s point of view. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you’re interpreting them correctly.

• Reflect back: Paraphrase what they’ve said to show you’re paying attention. This can reduce misunderstandings and show respect.

Example: “So you’re saying that you believe ___ because of ___, right?”

2. Manage Your Emotions

• Stay calm: Recognize your emotional triggers, and take a moment to breathe before responding if you start to feel angry or defensive.

• Avoid personal attacks: Focus on the topic, not the person. Name-calling, sarcasm, or blaming will escalate tension.

3. Use “I” Statements

• Frame your thoughts using “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. This makes it clear that you are speaking from your own perspective without putting the other person on the defensive.

Example: Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when we talk about this.”

4. Seek Common Ground

• Start by acknowledging any areas of agreement or shared values, even if they are small. This can create a more cooperative tone in the conversation.

Example: “I think we both care deeply about finding the best solution, even though we have different ideas on how to get there.”

5. Ask Open-Ended Questions

• Instead of trying to “win” the argument, shift the focus to understanding by asking questions that encourage deeper discussion rather than yes/no answers.

Example: “What makes you feel that way about this issue?”

6. Practice Empathy

• Try to see the situation through their eyes and acknowledge the validity of their feelings or concerns, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions.

Example: “I can see how this would be frustrating for you.”

7. Pick Your Battles

• Some disagreements aren’t worth diving into. Consider if the issue at hand is something you’re willing to debate, or if it’s better to let go, especially if it risks damaging your relationship.

8. Avoid Absolutes

• Using terms like “always,” “never,” or “everyone” can shut down a conversation. Instead, be specific and focus on the instance at hand.

Example: Instead of “You always do this,” say “This time, when this happened, I felt ___.”

9. Give Space and Time

• If the conversation becomes too heated, it’s okay to take a break. Give yourself and the other person time to cool down and gather your thoughts before continuing.

Example: “I think we’re getting a bit stuck here. Let’s take a break and come back to this later.”

10. Agree to Disagree

• It’s important to recognize that some disagreements might not be resolvable. Being okay with this and respectfully acknowledging your differences can prevent escalation.

Example: “We may not agree on this, and that’s okay. Let’s move forward with respect for each other’s viewpoints.”

By focusing on understanding, rather than convincing or winning, you can create a conversation that is more collaborative and less combative. If you really think you “need” to win, then consider the fact that you were able to avoid turning your conversation into a war zone as a substantial win.

Let’s “tone down” our combative conversations. It will benefit us all. We should return to when we could disagree on one topic but still enjoy a civilized chat on another.